30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Charting is keeping records of temp, cervical position and FFJ and making graphs and patterns out of them, Salts. Basically. I tried it for three days and gave up because I was crap and have no patience. Plus the beeping thermometer at 6am used to piss MrA off, who as I may have mentioned before, thinks babies should be made on beaches near crashing surf by starlight, or in meadows surrounded my wildflowers and butterflies and tweeting songbirds. Twat!

I'm not very good at graphs and maths and stuff. Perhaps that is not for me. I would get in a muddle.

I think Mr S thinks that too. I am yet to broach directly the idea of SWI with him. I have done it indirectly by just jumping him and not taking no for an answer, but bless him I fear for the success of the project of he thought he was, on stage, so to speak....

I did once have SFF on a beach, with crashing wave n everything

Mm yes, TB is not impressed with the thermobeep either. I have taken to putting my entire head under the pillow to muffle the sound at weekends. Plus he thinks it adds to the menkul saltydog I am not sure if it helps win a baybee yet but many charters swear by it. Also it has the advantage of knowing when you have OVed and so can safely give up SWIing. I like it because it makes me feel like I have some sort of control

Doesn't sand get everywhere tho? you don't need to be good at maths as there are websites that work it all out for you.

If you sign up for Fertility Friend you just have to tell it what temp is and what FFJ status is that day and it does rest. I like it as stops me fretting about ov-ing. Also I like cracking nuts with sledgehammers. And am massive geek analytical by nature.

Oooh, Salty. I did it in the sea once. Was quite hard not to drown but a giggle. Not sure advised for SWIing though.

erm...where do you stick thermometer? In ear? Up bum, like a cat?

Yes ladyG I agree - I think raising your legs for 30mins straight after would require superior swimming skills!! I don't think you should say 'cracking nuts with sledgehammers' when talking about fertility aides.....

And no, the sand doesn't get everywhere Crispyleaves, as lonng as you line yourself up with the current correctly.....

Is that you, HB? (pssst - you just named your DH fo realz) Boo to brown string

....and like the total and utter fucking dickcheese I am, I have named the OM. Nice work. I have asked for it to be removed . Can't imagine it matters enormously, but, you know...

Yerse, 'tis I. Been asked more than once if I'm into heavy metal...

Grabs Mina by waist and stares deeply into eyes...Who be you then, my luvver

x posts.

Do you think if we all report my cocktwattingly stupid post naming the OM then they'll take it down quicker??

Minehead my dear....

Great name change there vampirebait :o oppsie about that little slip we will just pretend we didn't read it . I too am gagging for a drastic do but my hairdresser (the only one I have ever trusted) has gone awol and I am too pathetic tactful to ask where she has gone as I suspect a rift. Which means I am going to have to find a new one and have at least one normal cut to make sure I can trust them with a restyle.

Very appropriate too as I have just finished season 2 of True Blood.

I am away for the eve BESHies. i am eating meal with Mr S, over which I am broaching SWI.

Wish me luck, dear friends, wish me luck.

Lucks to you Salts. Imagine yourself a sessy blood-sucker, that'll do the trick. I myself plan to buy one of those screamingly naff crushed-velvet corsets off of eBay .

ARGH Lettuce pliz not to trust your precious locks with some stranger! Am still haunted by similar experiences in the past. Someone tried to give me a trendy haircut once. Trust me, if we'd met you'd know how fucking funny that is

I can only dream Mina

Do not worry. I have no intention of letting a random mess with my locks at present. Took me 30 years to find a hair dresser I trusted so pretty pissed she has done one (how vey dare she) So will probably end up with hair down to my arse as will never get it cut again.

oh sorry salts forgot to wish you luck. hope it goes well.

Salty you have options where to stick it: in vajayjay, up bum, or the trad option, in mouth. So far have gone for mouth option. You just have to be consistent. For hygiene reasons as much as anything else Good luck with Mr S - but doesn't he know you are attempting a baby already?

Why, oh why, is everyone name changing? It hurts my little brain! But is good name anyway, Draclady. I am very addicted to True Blood too and can't wait for Season 3.

Salad can't you find out where your hairwoman has gone and stalk her? My hair starting to look a bit mental (is chin length thich brunette bob, no fringe and needs a regular trim). Now would be ideal time to have cut as off work but somehow don't want to return to work looking too groomed in case they think I've been having a lovely time at home lying around, lunching and having beauty treatments done. Is that stupid?

I kind of get what you mean lady its totally irrational because that EXACTLY what you should be doing (ie pampering yourself) It depends how small minded they are really, will they be expecting you to go back in gaunt and unkempt as if you have been rocking in a corner for 2 weeks?

I am trying to persuade my friend to ring up and ask where she has gone as I think they let slip she had set up on her own. I don't want to ask myself as I am quite friendly with the other stylist/owner, she is lovely but just hasn't got the knack with my hair and as my accent is quite recognisable I feel a bit disloyal ringing up and asking. (thats sounds so pathetic, i really need to HTFU)

Herewith my deleted post sans the OM's name...because obvs every word of mine is precious

Boo to everyone's droid, esp. Lyra's . mine has progressed from a little spottage to the lovely brown string of which we are all so fond.

I need a haircut. I am as bored of my barnet as I am of everything else, name included (hence change . Almost two years ago I had my waist-length locks cut to a chin-length bob with the very noble intention of removing the Sun In spray expensive highlights, and prancing about being the only natural blonde in London. Turns out my natural colour is rather dishwatery, so I'm sanctimoniously ungilded but rather drab .

I used summat called MyMenstrualCycles.com for a bit (calling a spade a spade there). Was good, but have ditched for CBFM: the feeling of technologically-induced accuracy was vay nice.

The OM took me to the seaside for a pint of bitter and half a pint of prawns today, God love him. This was precipitated by my crying for about an hour this morning, so hard that I thought I was going to be sick. Now, I never cry: never. NEVER. Simply never. And by never I mean about once every eighteen months (I mean proper sobbing, not just the odd sentimental tear - This isn't bragging: I think I'd be mentally a great deal healthier if I didn't have some dim idea that we should all Buck Up and Smile On Our Troubles or have our passports withdrawn ). Consequently it's always taken terribly seriously. Not sure what the trouble is other than that there are so many things to worry about that my head simply can't hold 'em all in and I think they kind of dribbled out. But I'm much better now, and rather ashamed of myself for scaring the OM, who thought someone had died, and am full of smoked eels and dressed crab, and it's pretty difficult to be depressed under those circs.

Love Violence to all, esp. ma bitches Aries, Drom & Mounts. If I ain't around much in the next few days 'tis only work preventing my usual pathetic dependence on you all