30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Good morning! Herewith BESHmeet dispatch (other reports may vary).

It was uncharacteristically civilised, partly because we began at 3pm. Was luffly. Aries has hair the colour of Welsh rose gold and is very clever and knows Something Interesting about pretty much everything. Mountie has the sort of accent that makes you think of exciting films with sexy spies in trench coats and is all sort of serene-seeming and can discourse on six different academic disciplines at once. Drom as we all know has a mind a like a razor-blade and a laugh like the chimes of Big Ben, not to mention an impressive line in cutting-edge hosiery. Alas, the BESH-majick didn't work for at least 2 of us, but we can still peer beadily at Aries and warm up for a light spot of early-morning kidney-punching. Beers and wine were drunk, cigarettes were smoked, the words 'BESH' and 'dildocam' were uttered aloud for the first time, and it was altogether quite splendid.

Off to read what I've missed on the fred thus far...

If R2D2 shows his face around here again I'm going to stick a giant magnet on his arse. :(

Lyra that must be hard not having anyone IRL to talk to who understands. Obviously I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone but its nice to know they are there so its a bit of a paradox. You always have us tho! Perhaps NW BESHmeet should be our next priority?

big wave to lovelycincovelma i am sorry the injections are hurting this time round :( really got everything crossed in some weird Tao of BESH yogic position that it's 3rd time lucky for you.

HB i was talking about dildocam last night just when TB walked in, raised eyebrows galore :o Your descriptive powers are wonderful as ever.

Glad t'was fun, HB and rest of the Lahndon BESHies. Maybe we should arrange one for the Midlanders?

I had a lubberly day yesterday. Met MiniG's Dad in Oxford to drop him off (MiniG's dad lives dahn South so halfway), spent day in Oxford having posh lunch (with entire bottle of wine!), walked round, went to the Ashmolean museum. Came home, watched a film and didn't even fall asleep halfway! (Was Shutter Island with Leo DiCaprio, Scorcese job, v gripping, esp if you like Hitchcock). And managed first post-mc shag. Hurrah!

Your post has made me ouchy, Cinco. I'm not keen on injections, but hopefully this will be your lucky leg and you are brewing a veritable blitzkrieg of perfect eggs as we speak.

Very sorry about hurty injections cinc .

Hello BESHies, I am back from my holidays. Boo hiss to the droids that have arrived. And how very DARE you have a London meet without me there. I shall cry. I am never going to meet any BESHies. I am most jealous.

Holidays were lovely and I have turned into one giant freckle. Every other person on the island was nut brown while I floated around doing my ghostly pale ginger thing. Made the not speaking Greek very easy as everyone took one look at me and spoke English.

welcome home musical your holiday sounds lovely. I have an image of you floating round in a tea dress and huge floppy straw hat, looking ever so glamourous and pre raphaelite Lizzy Siddle like (NOT as Ophelia obviously) I have the connective freckle syndrome too although since turning 35ish and spending an extended time in a hot clim I seem to be able to get a bit of a tan these days (even if most people laugh when I refer to it as such)

hurrah for lovely weekends and the secs ladyGGG

cinco injecting myself is the thing I am really [scared] of with IVF. EEP! Not sure how anyone does it tbh but I spose theres not much choice. :S

in other news, my head hurts. Self inflicted tho so not expecting sympathy.

Saladbum I just stalked your chart...tis looking a nice shape, non?

Hope your head recovering a bit. Back from my run now and gasping like an asphixiated fish. MrGG been dispatched to fetch me dessert of some sort.

Hey fitstalkerlady :o do you think so? its gone all weird and spikey. I wondered if this mornings was due to excessive alcohol consumption last night? Have no idea if that has any effect as haven't got that pissed since i started charting. Naughty naughty. But please save any assault on my kidney for later in the week, they are feeling a bit ouchy today.

Your man sounds like such a lovely chap to be fetching you such treats :D Not that you don't deserve them of course.

Well, could be a result of the booze. Don't spoil my fun. Wait and see what it does tomorrow. Could also be an implantation dip, followed by going a little bit triphasic? It looks really diff to last months. Sorry, don't want to stoke your menkul unduly but I think it is an encouraging shape in any case. Have fingers crossed for you!

Yes, he is lovely. But Tesco Express just across the road so is woefully easy to nip out for delicious sugar and fat combos.

Ah yes, we have a little co-op within 5 mins walk, TB seems incapable of going out for bread or milk without returning with something naughty. (disclaimer: this is NOT a complaint )

In fact I think a timely text message might be in order as its on his way back from footie viewing...

Have no intention of spoiling your fun but I thought last months looked triphasic until metal mickey turned up so I am pretty this month. Also absolutely no symptoms at all (hence falling of the wagon last night) We'll see. Trying to stay zen as got myself all over excited last month and don't want to make the same mistake again. You are quite welcome to menkul for me tho

It's cos I have no chart to menkul over yet! Only three temps and newly post-mc - so I'm missing the daily analysis! Hence stalking other people's

Good call on zen. I am so rubbish at it.

The BESHmeet was indeed civilized, for which I blame RieGoldielocks and the afternoon affair . Speaking of which, you got home ok, Rie? Cheers for serene HB, more like nackered. I sadly do not have HBs literary talents, but let's just say the girl is a life of the party and and sparkles with femininity.

Drom thanks for offers of advice and experience sharing, might take you up on it.

BESH majik not only did not work on me but I had THE worst period pains last night, bar none. Sorry to hear others have been struck by the droid too.

Salad I am jealous of your friends. All mine are updiffed. Or not into diffing.

Hoorah for the BESHmeet, although I am thinking they made a pact not to share what AKchooaly happened, and are hiding it under this 'civilised' story

So, in gusset news, I can once again start filling jam jars for those of you in need of extra FFJ. Seriously, is there some sort of dangerous syndrome that I need to be aware of, the main symptom of which is a week and a half of positively gushing FFJ?

I am also v v jealous of your friends Salad. Mine are either stupidly fertile 'oops, look at that, I must've walked past my hubby a bit too close' or have already had as many children as they intend to.

Hell, HopOn, sorry about the dretful droid. Hopefully it wasn't made worse by the beer. I had an LUFFERLY time and was so happy to meet you and HB and Drom (who looked fabulous and glowy and had THE best tights on I've ever seen). I was fairly drunk by the end and had to run like fury to catch my train. Was only a fifteen min ride rather than the 45 I'd been advised! The I had to go to a very civilised dinner party with two people who had brought babies and one person who was about to have one, and I'd also visited someone who had a 15 month old in the morning and today also. It's been quite ridiculous.

But then something odd happened when I got home. I was copiously sick. I wasn't that drunk for goodness sake. No droid yet either . Day 27.

Day 27 of how many?

How was Ariesnephew? (if I remembered right he was the excuse for the BESHmeet in the first place)

ah feck hopon thats sucks lady. why can't the bleeping fucker just fuck off.

And arials things sound v promising with you eh? how long is your usual cycle? I might deflect ladys kidney violence toward you

Sad thing is salty my friend who had the mc joined MN when she got her BFP and has just cancelled her account because of afore mentioned sad event :( Its a shame as I know you guys would LOVE her v much (she is tres literary and funny and clever) and I think she would have found a lot of support here and on other TTC threads. She has been going through such a lot and the other 2 of us, although pretty empathetic, can't really know how she feels.

Rie...I am tres interested in the day 27 of how many question too. I would like to point out that when I was briefly diffed, but before I knew I was, one of my first symptoms was being hideously drunk on a single glass of wine, and being very very nauseous after my second (note how i pressed on, even though I was feeling v v drunk! )

So come on Rie when is Master Droid due?

It's Day 26 actually - I was getting ahead of myself. Last few cycles have been 26/27 days but with spotting from day 24 or so. The three droids when we started TTC were 33 days or so. Far too early to think anything. Boobs are stubbornly un-sore as well. And I am having occasional cramps in the wonbular area. So will have to wait and see.

Sorry- have been unable to take part properly today. On BIL's laptop and he thinks it odd that I keep demanding a go!

Ocs - BabyNeph is completely adorable. Completely

Hmm.......I will withhold punching, but I am greasing up my knuckles young lady....

Ariella you did not seem that drunk! Sorry about the onslaught of babies. And pooking. I guess we were both bent over in agony. What a lovely thought.

Thanks for comiserations re. droid, ladies. Might explain me being 'serene'.

Am gleefully watching all this CD27-no droid action and hoping for at least one Diff-Sistah.

Rie, to stoke the menkul, my last cycle before this was only 24 days long and well, you know the rest . I also had usual wombular cramping and my buzzwams were 100% pre-menstrual. Of course, baybee-stretching feels almost identical to droid cramps at the start and on CD28, it was like someone had flicked a booby-switch onto 'preggo-sore', for the pre-droid pain disappeared 100%, to be replaced with the current strange ouch.

Cinco, did you see my post on Thurs about Needles Lady? And how I'd told her my online mystery pal had seen her Wednesday am and she said how lovely you were, etc.? She's v lovely, am glad it went well for you. I am convinced I would not be a winner right now if it wasn't for her help. So sorry the injections hurt (and now you're adding further needles to the mix, you poor old pincushion), but am so sure it will all be worth it in the end

And I commiserate with you about the Velma-do. A few years ago, I had a lovely bob cut, with a fringe. It looked great... until I put my glasses on and realised I WAS Velma. What's worse is that TYF really does look like Shaggy (everyone jokes about it). We once met a friend in a cafe and she nearly had an apoplexy laughing because I was wearing a poloneck and TYF was wearing a green v-neck t-shirt and baggy trousers. She wasn't the only person to remark on the unfortunate likeness

Still jealous of BESHmeet

I like Velma

Oh, I like Velma too. I just don't like random strangers laughing at me and TYF and asking us where Scooby-Doo is

Hair is back to usual long bird's nest tousled rock chick glory now

I have birds nest tousled bedhead too.

It will not be tamed. A hairdresser once tried, against my advice, to blow dry it....I honestly thought he might cry when he realised he might not be able to get me out through the door....

can I ask stoopid question? Charting....pliz to explain someone. What do you chart? And where? And what does it do? Does it help win baybeez?