30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Your day out sounds lovely vampiros I really fancy a pint of prawns now. How strange about the crying, I wish I could be as stoical normally. I seem to have been crying at the drop of a hat recently, I even welled up at Xfactor earlier which is just utterly pathetic. I feel like I have become much more emotional as I've aged as I never used to be much of a cryer (unless drunk apparently)

Poor EeenieMeenieMinaMo, your OM sounds like a top bloke though. Hope you is feeling better.

I do know a very good hairdresser in London who I only stopped using because he was quite expensive. Not crazy expensive, just too expensive for me at the time. Although I've realised that his cuts were £50 and my cuts now are only ever about £10 cheaper and not nearly as good.

Only problem is, he is a bit pervy. Gawd bless him. Not in a "going to molest" you way. More in a "I think this man may be more interested in my hair than in any other part of me" way. He is wonderful though. He would always make my hair so shiny and gorgeous without resorting to GHDs like every other hairdresser does. And he turned my hair the most glorious colour for my wedding.

I should go back to him. I'm sure he wouldn't mind my absence, red hair is his favourite.

My bloody hairdresser is moving to Leeds Not only is she the first person who can get my fringe right (round it at the sides, FFS!) but it took me till I was 35 to find her - a hairdresser who actually realises that if you put layers shorter than chin length in thick wavy hair, then the client is going to end up looking like they've got 7 different haircuts, all of which have been set on giant old lady rollers Have been told by hairdressers that bad haircuts are my fault because I have the audacity to have said thick, wavy hair but it's not coarse. How dare I!

had to pop back to say yes LadyGG of course he bloody does!! the convo I need to have is more around the intricacies of the ladycycle, and the precise timing of Teh Secs.

Clearly, I have failed to have convo.

I just can't do it to the poor love. I fear he may get stage fright which is actually permanent.

And so to bed...

Soz Salts for my misunderstanding. Thought that seemed a bit weird, you not seeming like a scheming nutter and all. Hmm, not sure how best to broach? Are you sure he would get stage fright? Maybe he'd just see it as a manly challenge or something?

Sounds like you need a cunning plan. Men usually like to think they've helped you to solve a problem and they were clever enough to think up the solution all by themselves. Can you approach in this vein?

Morning BESHlets.

Salty I am beginning to think men actually need a chart and full explanation of ladycycle and optimum time for Teh Secs. This follows conversation with Mr Owlshoes this morning in which he suggested we could spend this week making babies as well, as he was less knackered.

I had to explain to him that only last week counted. He seemed somewhat surprised at this. Next month I will show him the CBFM. Tis the only way forwards.

Right, I've got my boots on. Where's Ariel?

I'm hiding & not 2WOOLFing at all . Just spying on you lubberly ladeez really.

Shhh, you haven't seen me, right?

what news Lozicle? Still no full droidage?

Aw Lozza these boots are not made for your kidneys - you just sit tight and minimise the 2WOOFLing.

Hang on; wrong person.

mini nope, no droidage. CD29....

Lets all look at Aries are her symptoms instead....

I am coming out of my autumn induced hiding to help bully the 2wooflers...

Lozzer POAFS already! I really really really REALLY hope this is it for you.

RieRie as above, POAFS! I am tres excited by the puking. Has there been any more, or just that one incidence?

Now, who else is woofling? Salad what day are you on? Can I start sizing you up for a good kidney kicking?

Someone needs to start the MAD project off, so who is it going to be?

Mina I have even more of a crush on the OM now. How are you feeling today?

Eep, Lozza! I am trying so hard not to inflate the menkul because that's happened to me before and it makes the droid even painfuller when it finally shows...but honestly, to have had an abrupt bleed what, 4 days ago, then nothing? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

And yes where the heck is Aries?!

Hello PollyPocket! Yes he is a good boy, although today I was moved once again to observe that some men, by the age of 36, are able to eat their lunch without distributing at least half of it all over their face . Am OK now thanks. Have decided that I ought to thrive on stress and therefore went and out bought a brand new alarm clock and set it for 6am for the next, oh, forever. If I can make it through to 7pm on Thursday without full-scale collapse I shall consider it a success...

How's the Haunted House (as I like to think of it!)? Any news on other alternate properties??

Er, didn't I kick it off? Or did my win count as the last of the MSD? Whatever, I hope I've triggered one of those magic multi-diffs (like the one last Hallowe'en!)...

Lozza, I can't handle the stress! I want to scream 'POAS already!' but know how terrifying it all is (and how much we all want to avoid any disappointment) and it'd be hypocritical of me, as a stealth-2WOOFLer, to demand it...

POAS ALREADY!!!!!!!

Eh, don't think I need to POAS - a bit of rummaging has resulted in some browny splodgy stuff. Sorry lovely ladeez.

Ah fuckit. I was filled with Teh Rage earlier due to DP's selfish fucking mother & her slobbery, disgusting, most vile man in the history of the world sometimes shag (tis a long boring tale). And now this.

Seriously, I've had a guts full.

I'm off on hols at the start of Oct so was going to be having a forced break from MN anyway. Just think I may start it now.

I'm not flouncing or owt, & will prolly lurk as I have the willpower of jelly. But after 3 years of playing "am I? aren't I?" every month, I'm bored. Think I'll play tetris instead

Ooh the symptoms and lack of droid are all very interesting

Am postively vibing your way ariannwen et lozmeister, so hope this is your month.

ps POAS POAS POAS

Scorpietto Fanks very muchly dearie for your kind words. Just been for another needles sesh and feeling very sleepy. Had a wee chat about your exciting news. She was telling me another woman she has been helping is also pg. I'll be no. 3 this month ta

Getting used to the velma do. Mr T is assuring me I look good and 'cute'. Not sure cute was the look I was aiming for

Mina Love the new look, :( about the crying. Hope you're feeling brighter, sometimes good to to let it all out. Wish I could hold it all in but unfortunately tends to be some tear leakage on a far too regular basis round my way.

Hot dildocam action report - 1 dominant follicle at 1.8mm and 3 stragglers 1.2mm. All systems go for operation basting - the final chapter, opening Thursday morning. Seriously not sure why I've had to endure daily injections to get the sum total of one egg each month? It only takes one though, I know - was not sosecretly hoping I could at least win twinz!!!!!!!11!!! as would have been sooo funny what with SIL having twins in March

Arse gropes to the rest of ya BESHes, c'mon on I feel like a good groping sesssion

Very badly timed cross post, so sorry Luvverlylozza.

Know what you mean about getting thoroughly fucking pissed off and needing break...we'll miss you but are always here.

You can be first for the grope if ya fancy it

Buggeration :( Lorry you will have to lurk as I have superglued the gates of the Palais closed to prevent escapees (that goes for you too Madam Scorpula )

Whoop at the dildocam! Well done cinco for sticking to the BESHcommandments and hurrah for the follicularity. Speaking of which, where is Barbie ? She is usually well up for the 'cam.

(count as one of your 5-a-day)

Oh sodbollocks and shittingtons Laurie, I'm sorry . God, why does the whole thing have to play out like a cruel jest? Why can't we just wake up at 7am on D28 with full flow? All this taunting - seems just plain savage. I'm now angry.

A break from MN is A Good Thing sometimes, I think. I mean, obvs I want to cling onto your ankles and wail, but if being here's more of a drain than an, erm - what's antonymous to drain? Infusion? Transfusion? Drip? - then a little retreat is OK, non? Esp. If you are going to be swanning around on holibobs fondling moonbeams and drinking champagne from a gigolo's slipper etc. etc. (So long since I had a glamorous holiday I have forgotten quite what they entail).

Anyway. Upshot of that ramble of incoherence is a vast soft-armed cuddle and a plea to do whatever's best for you and you only. xxxxx

Oh shite. :( Another one who should've hit refresh before posting. Sorry lorry. Still on for Rabaiotti's?

Ooo Ski them's my favourite smokes. Promised the OM I'd give up though, now we're looking at our tenth cycle

Oh, Lozza! SO sorry for tactless POAS-demands Please don't stay away for too long... love ya, you know...

Oh and balloons, sparklers, jelly & ice cream for Cinco's eggies. Puts you firmly on for contention for MAP!