30s TTC: Back to school at BESHory Towers. For spiffing gels who've been TTC since before rationing ended and find conception harder than Double Latin, chiz . What ho!

[Scorpette]

Come along, we haven't got all day. Pop off your blazers and straw boaters for a mo and listen up. As Head Girl, I think you ought to know that my dear chum Darrell Rivers tells me that we're really letting the side down with our lack of baybee-winning. To that end, instead of prep and lacrosse, we'll be TTC. I know some of us are losing hope that we'll ever win the Motherhood Cup for our house, but chins up and think of England! We don't won't to end up like the bitter, childless, dried-up old spinsters running this place, do w... oh, hello Matron! Yes, yes, we're going now...

Super! We've been given the attic dorm - bagsy the bed by the window, what! We won't be disturbed when we're enjoying midnight feasts, unbridled lesbianism, pillow fights and sneaking in fellows from the nearby boy's school for some ghastly dreadfulness.

So let's pop some Joyce Grenfell on the gramophone and crack open the tuck boxes! Mater's made me a huge ginger cake and oooh, I see someone's brought pontefract cakes! Yummo! Humbugs, sherbet, elderflower fizz, eccles cakes, a whole slab of choccy - what a simply smashing haul! Hmmm, this ginger beer smells suspiciously gin-like...

Oh yes

"rod Hull? I AM HIM!!!!!"

(ginhag = comedy wheat, and nobody's chaff no sir thankyouverymuch)

the real rod hull

?

Is ok I am not a mentallist. Green jelly was a ref to the 'real rod hull' on fist of fun back when Stuart lee and Richard herring were quite young (and so were we.)

scorps I still use 'the moon on a stick' quite frequently in conversation too :)

Fanks mightily for the pissing advice you fellows. I feel reassured that a clean cock and a swift wee will see me straight

Steward Lee confuses me for looking like that depressed man off of the Smiths. You know the one. Takes parsnips very seriously.

I too use 'the moon on a stick', Ginnypig... or should that be THEREALRODHULL?* You have won my love, admiration and this giant bowl of GREEN JELLY!

Check out YouTube for the never-shown Rod Hull sketches that were made for This Morning With Richard Not Judy - he died just before transmission so they had to be pulled. Spookily, the last one ends with him dying freakily!

Lyra, I like my fash edgy (bonkers tights, offensive shoes, weird coats, retro stylings, hats, etc., although not flamboyant... I realise that sounds contradictory, but it's not). Sadly, being neither tall nor skinny, in that cape, I just looked like a downtrodden scout master's wife who's still wearing the same clothes she did back in the 70's. But don't worry, I still have my 1940s (?) full black nurses cape for this winter! Am a bit style-obsessed. Am just glad no-one on here could ever notice that

I wanna know about Aerie and her baybee too. And when will Skater have hers? Has she had it? No-one loves us anymore. I can't lurk in the Deli; to me, talk of horses and hunting is like garlic to a vampire

*Can I nickname your baybee Emu?

Lyra I second RodHull's (truly the 'joke' that will not die) advice. DIY if all else fails. I have instructed the OM that once diffage is achieved I expect sex to be entirely about my gratification, and to that extent perhaps he could drop Ralph Fiennes* a line and book a coupla slots in his diary.

*What? WHAT?! I don't fancy young men, all right? We've been over this before!

I don't think Stewart Lee looks like Mozza. Am v sad today, as St. Stephen of Morrissey has shown himself to be a right cunt (and possible racist) in today's Grauniad.

Sorry always thought Morresey was a twat, (i realise this is tantamount to sacrilege for someone of our age) ever since I saw him prancing round on top of the pops with some daffs hanging out his back pocket (think I was 10 or so at the time) And I blame his ridiculousness for putting me off The Smiths musically and making me miss out on some very fine music in my later yoof.

I also still use "moon on a stick" very frequently but hadn't until today remembered where it had come from. So thank you BEShes.

Me too Salady. Right humourless bastard. Happily, having been brought up under a mushroom in a forest somewhere, Icons of Music (with the exception of Rachmaninov and others of his kidney)completely passed me by, so I can say that without fear of reprisals .

Hehe, I still use 'moon on a stick too'. Boo just doesn't get it though and looks at me very strangely. Welcome to the newb Molesworth, I am glad you finally found the courage to join us.

Salad I am glad you are enjoying the book. It helped muchly with my state of mind, combined with the needling and herbs. I too was very anti-FC, even though I had initiated that route. It seemed like the logical next step iyswim, but never sat comfortably with me and I couldn't figure out why. Thankfully it all became irrelevant anyway. But but but, I had HSG too, I think it was in Jan, and then got diffed in April (after completing 3 months of needles and herbs with my wonderful lady in Dorchester).

Thank you all muchly for the birthday wishes. I do apologise for the lack of an appearance last night - we stuffed our faces with spag bol, followed by a choclatey treat and then passed out by 11. Pathetic! Perhaps tonight would be better. We are having a bbq, getting Boo off to bed and then settling down to watch one of my most favourite films of all time - The Big Blue (dolphins and a gorgeously young and fit Jean Marc Barr... with hair!! What more could I ask for). TG has never seen it and I doubt he will like it but I have the directors cut and it is bloody hours long so it will make up for the hours of sci-fi stuff he has made me sit through. Then we can do midnight feast, gin and fig rolls?

Ohh love that film!! although Rosanne Arquette is a bit annoying in it, she does not deserve Jean Marc imo, not as much as you or I would pol Bet it would be awesome in HD too (hmm)

Hope you have a lovely time, I was tucked up in bed at midnight and probably will be again tonight. Social life has gone completely down the pan since going on the wagon although have 4 Lions to watch so might do that (especially as it comes BESHcommended)

oooh can i finally use my claim to fame story,(which to most is just a story about someone they don't know) to actually dazzle and impress?! Whilst bar tending which took place in Scotland's fair capital, I did spend one festival hanging out mostly with Trevor with the really small face, I did. He was lovely and got me and my mate into all sorts of cool parties and stuff where we could press shoulders with loads of comedians who were immensely funny and have mostly never been seen since..twenty eight years old I was....

Who is Trevor? Why was his face small? And why was the smallness of his face noteworthy?

Head Unfortunately it seems you fall into the category of, 'its just a story about someone you don't know'. Don't worry, I'm not hurt, it happens alot. I'm sure I have one about someone you do know, I have many. As a child I had a lot of potential in the brain capacity area, but sadly did not live upto it as filled my little grey cells up with trivial information about not very famous famous people.

(He does have an extraordinarily small face, and I guess you have to play to your strengths, got him on the telly anyways)

May I ask, if it's not too forward, how long those of you unlucky enough to have mc had to wait before the droid appeareth again? Am on four weeks today, and know that's probably not long enough, but feel like I'm entering unchartered territory. (For such a barren I've always been remarkably regular )

Moley, will it make you feel better (not that your feelings need something obvy ) if I tell you that I was almost completely removed from popular culture until I went to uni? Almost all references pass me by. It was only last year I realised that Van Morrison and him off of the Smiths were two different people. And I had no idea Chris Tarrant had a telly career pre-dating Squillionaire. Je suis freak . Sorry.

Re mcs - I'm no help at all, sorry: fingers crossed the damn thing either appeareth bang on time or faileth entirely t'appear!

I don't have a flaming clue what's going on either HB. And I don't have any excuse other than being plain ignorant

Man, I just can't keep up with you all.

Hi Moleynose, and welcome! Post MC droid - after my first it was 23 days, after my second it was 2 weeks before the HGC levels went down to 0 and then had a normal length cycle after that, so 6 weeks in total. I'm also regular as clockwork. You've just had a MC then? Sorry for the shitness.

I also have no clue who trev with the small head is . My claim to fame for today is seeing Michael Mcintyre in the park with his kid. His son almost ran my daughter over with his bike. You think I should sue??

Anymore symptoms Saltandvinegar? This is the BESH thread so feel obliged to shout POAS at you repeatedly, even though everyone else telling you not to. POAS POAS POAS POAS POAS!

I am 2DPO but small chance of a diff this month as fuckface went away 3 days ago - I threatened to leave him if he kept doing that but he didn't seem that bothered. Anyway, hopefully this means no menkuling this month and no early testing (ahahahaha!).

Happy burpday pooface!

Noseybonk, your Small-Faced Trevor story has excited both me and TYF (Lee & Herring being just about the only cultural reference we both share, what with me being 9 yrs older and him also living in a world of his own). I told him your story and he's v jealous now - his only claim to fame is that David Walliams shouted 'Fuck off, you stupid cunt!' at him once, which still upsets him (his job is media-based. AND he did nothing to deserve it).

I've performed in the Edinburgh Festival - twice! And been up there a coupla times as a tourist too. My Edinburgh claims to fame: Eddie Izzard stood on my foot and was a bit drunky-arsey when I yelled 'OW!', Simon Munnery chose MEEEEEE to be his stooge on stage (I had to play an imaginary bass guitar and give him the wrong answer to everything), Julian Clary told me I had beautiful hair, Mark Watson asked me on a date (he's that Welsh comedian who does the Bulmers ads) and... AND... Kenneth Brannagh came to watch our play! Of his own volition! Oh luvvy darlinks, I cannot tell you how simply spiffing it was to give one's Beckett in front of darling Kenny!

I have had a mild asthma attack this avo, due to dust. That was a barrel of laughs. Cue my folks driving round to their friend's house who always has approx. 86 inhalers kicking about in her drawer (I can usually control mine through breathing exercises but not today). Urrrrrk.

Now, of course, I shall be diffed and worry for the next 9 months that some dubious and no doubt out-of-date drug has ruined the enfant.

Also, Moley, me and TYF do the '28 yrs old I was' thing ALL the time - it is obligatory in our home that any recount of a childhood memory has to be finished with a pause and them a comment like 'I was 26 at the time!'

I'm waffling dreadfully now. I blame the lung drucks!

Oh noes Score, sorry about your asthmatix .

I haz two claims to fame. 1) the first person to congratumalate me on my GCSE results was Ian Paisley. I know! Looooong story. And 2) I've had lunch with Boris Johnson. He entirely failed to make a pass at me, which in hindsight I take as an insult. I have also had lunch at the headquarters of Vogue with Alexandra Shulman, but I realise she is famous to only a few .

Pretty paltry though. I'd give anything to be within stalking distance of Kenneth Branagh. If we ever meet, he will love me. This is The Truth.

The other day my dh- appropriate acronym to follow- said to me,
"you know Katie Perry?"
" yes dear?"
"Is that Lady Gaga?". Bless

Popular culture not big in my house, it's like my dirty little secret. (not the only one, phna fna phfnaa)(how do you cocking spell fnaar?)This would be why you are so wise and know Important Stuff enough to be a Head Girl, and I am merely a Stig. (can girls be Stigs?)Stigette?

Here are my claims to fame. I have met Seamus Heaney. And have been bought a drink by Tom Jones. I have also performed onstage in front on approximately seventy people as a backing singer for a local entertainer in a village hall in Mid Wales.

I believe firmly that these are very impressive.

FUCK ME YOU MET SEAMUS HEANEY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I can't even think about the Tom Jones thing: it's too much.