We're All Going To IBESHA: Last minute budget holiday fun for 30s TTC. Pack your string bikini and your oversized shades and get on board.

[Saladbomb]

Last call for flight SWI101 to Shagaluff. Sangria laced with folic acid on tape. Fake tanned Club reps will be dishing out the 2 for 1 cocktails, dressed in nothing but the most miniscule budgie smugglers. The pit will be manned by sleazy but virile Spanish waiters to provide your every need. Lets see the summer out in BESHley style, IE: starting a bar fight, drinking the place dry and falling over in a heap at the end of the night.

Oh yes pliz that sounds nice; and I'm sure you'll look marvellously fetching with a smudge of Green & Blacks on your adorable nose

In other news, I can't stop eating. I just inhaled a cupcake. INHALED. It wasn't small either. And there was a good two inches of cream cheese icing

What flavour?

Quick question for you ladies that go for needling. I've decided to ditch the reflexology and go for needling instead. I was curious to see that acupuncture (about £42 if you block book 5 sessions) seems to cost more than reflexology (£37 a session). Does this seem normal to you?

P.S Is £47 a session if you don't block book.

HB, will tell you all you need to know about Lloyd Grossman and what Masterchef used to be like.

I too have a massive crush on Lisa Faulkner. She's so pretty and delicate and she doesn't seem to have great self-esteem and I just want to wrap her up in a patchwork quilt and feed her macaroons (the Laduree sort) in front of a roaring fire. Then lez her up bad style.

Saltpeter, I salute you for the genius word 'erotiviolence'. I think that just about sums up the whole atmosphere of Le Palais And pliz to link to the 'sparkly wanksplash' fred. I have a horrible feeling Stephenie Meyers will be kicking herself for not using that description for Bella and Jacob's wedding night

My needling costs me £34 a pop. Which is most bargainous when you consider that St Needles Lady lets me waffle on about all my pathetic self-pitying woes and gives great practical ideas and info on all sorts of things from weight loss to courses, etc., as well as telling me what to hassle docs about and all the latest fertility tips from Zita, hallowed be her name. Although we were discussing daft things people do when trying to help fertility (she says the cough syrup thing only applies when using Clomid, Robitussin-quaffers) and she didn't know about the school of thought that says wimminz shouldn't receive oral sex when TTC cos saliva is a natural spermicide. Does this mean I can now start really enjoying baby-making secks again?

Hello there, have been flocked this way and completed BESHtionnaire like the obedient newb I am (first impressions and all that) and now patiently wait to see if the MN community can become somewhere to spend time trading insults posts with likeminded 30-somethings, instead of going slowly crazy and sending the other half mental, rather than a place full of baby dust and sticky baby glue (these terms make me beabitsickinmymouth queasy, as I'm not 12)

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Yes (as a newb I?m trying for 'obedient' although I only really enjoy it with tonic and lime or (even better) when mixed with lots of other lovely stuff in a cocktail)

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   I?m going to have to go with secret answer C) a geek-snatcher. The Mr is 3 months older than me and has no significant material possessions other than his games consoles (of which there is a large and varied collection)

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

I?m a C girl with or without intent

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

I was somewhere near a when my sisticle was fannying around wondering if she was ?updiffed? although I think I actually threatened to wedge her eyes open whilst sitting her in front of KMKYWAP until she wet herself laughing

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

I couldn?t quite say adorable as it doesn?t do much, although C3PO makes it look far more adorable than it actually is (Star Wars fan-?atic-? alert) and for what it?s worth, when it actually decides to show up I shall be referring to my ?lady?s? (used by a Northern friend of mine, apparently perfectly normal in her neck of the woods) as Yamavet.

6. what colour are your walls?
   White (I live in a rented flat but I do have a brown suede wall in the flat I own but rent out as it?s in a different city to where I actually live at the moment)

7. Number of pets?
   None, not an animal lover nor a fan of excessive cleaning (or walking)

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Prince (or TAFKAP)

9. Lesbian crush?
   Drew Barrymore

10. What are your views on camping?
    I loved it when I was of school age but am now too high maintenance to live in a tent for a real holiday (and rather than a campsite, would prefer infinity pool with 24 hour bar service)

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Actually none, but I?m hoping this is acceptable as I?m waiting for appearance of any kind of bleeding in the general vicinity of the flange, before I even know there is baby-making potential within my lady parts

Sparkly Splashwank fred There you go Scorps - can't be arsed to link to the NetMums thread they're on abaht, but tis in there

Hello Triffid Full marks for use of thee word 'Flange' in your questionnaire. Tis one of my faves. So, you're marketing yourself as 'an obedient newb, huh?'

Can someone do the zip up on my PVC bodysuit? Ta! Gerejbega ggrbbbb... That's better! What I was trying to say is, Greetings Newby! You sound a feisty bint with a hatred of fwuffy-wuffy nonsense and a sick sense of humour.

BTW, what is KMKYWAP and why 'Yamavet'?

'Fans' of my whining will be pleased to know I have had Teh Secks and verr good it was too. Grappling with a 20-summat studmuffin Vs. body ishoos = no contest Hilarious John Wayne gait now Sadly, there was no sparkly spunkwash, but perhaps that's where we've been going wrong. And Lozza will be v glad to know that I didn't wear my Sex Tights this time.

*I'm showing a worrying level of knowledge about fetish wear, aren't I?

Welcome Truffles .

Someone on another fred said babydust sounded like ground up babies. Now that's all I can think of when I see it. Argh.

I second the splendid useage of Flange. Good work.

Have you lot clambered out of the pit yet? I am worried about you. Yes, all of you. I'm lining up the tequila shots along the edge of the pit just in case.

Blimey SexyScorps you go girl!!

KMKYWAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome, Trufflino. You're going to have to do one hell of a lot more than merely reference a little-known line from one my favourite shows eva before you get any change out of me

Thanks for the edumacation Scorio . Obviously having been brought up underground all of this was waaaaay before my time out of my frame of references.

And hurrah for having a right old solid seeing to. Cures a world of ills, does that...

HB what does it mean? tell me or I'll gropeyou cry.

Shan't

Right, come over here HeadGirl youre for it.

NOW TELL ME

If I tell you, do you promise to spank me?

Scorio (I like that, Bangers. Tis the name of a very little watched footie programmed on S4C featuring the likes of Barry Town and Llanwrtyd Wells RFC), anyway Scorio, I LAUGHED OUT LOUD at your gimp speak through the zipped up mouth piece.

Dick Strawbridge came to live in Cornwall for some feeble "green" series and patronised all the locals whilst building his eco house with all his wholesome offspring and their hippy, wholesome friends. He has also been right down our way and passed himself off as an expert on something he really isn't an expert in, whilst preaching to us who are actually experts in it. I can say no more.

Welcome Trumpkin. I foresee endless fun with your username.

I'm not going to grope you until I know AND I shall poo in your LaLa Hat unless you tell all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

What a colossal swinging knob-end . I had that: it's like the worst of British Victorian colonialism in microcosm. Pah. I discard him and his facial fungus.

Salty, I see you do not wish to apply yourself to my ample backside, and I cannot say I blame you. KMKYWAP is the faboy's term for "Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge". On one show he ruminated on the possibility of it being known by its initialism, which he pronounced "Kimkywap." Someone pointed out that sounded like a moist toilet tissue (or something: can't for the life of me find the relevant quote).

There. Prolly not as interesting as you'd hoped, and has outed me as a geek of the highest order (erm, because of course you all thought I was edgy and supercool five minutes ago ).

FANBOY shitting fatfingered shabbycunted twatface.

Leave off my Lala Hat Score! Jesus, girl gets laid and she's all up in my grill!

HATE HATE HATE! I HATE that!

I'm going to bed.

AAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAA!

What do you hate, my love? Mmmm?

SMELL MY CHEESE, YOU MOTHER!

I made a mistake in first sentence referring to Cock Hayford. Obviously if I hadn't pointed it out no-one would've noticed.

I'm not really going to poo in your hat again! There's no need to call me all those names

Are you on about Mental Dave not being voted out of the BB house yet? He likens homosexuals to witches and Satanists, doesn't believe in Evolution but says he's seen a werewolf and admits to taking his teenage daughter on dates so she can know what romance truly is And YET there's just him and Josie left in the comp! WTF is going on?!

Yes, I watch BB, wanna make summat of it? I'm handy, I'm handy

Those names were at me for my typing ineptitude Pette my darling, which I am sure you realised, but I shan't enjoy my supper if I don't clarify