We're All Going To IBESHA: Last minute budget holiday fun for 30s TTC. Pack your string bikini and your oversized shades and get on board.

[Saladbomb]

Last call for flight SWI101 to Shagaluff. Sangria laced with folic acid on tape. Fake tanned Club reps will be dishing out the 2 for 1 cocktails, dressed in nothing but the most miniscule budgie smugglers. The pit will be manned by sleazy but virile Spanish waiters to provide your every need. Lets see the summer out in BESHley style, IE: starting a bar fight, drinking the place dry and falling over in a heap at the end of the night.

She wasn't really arsey. You know the whole fish slaps thing? And the creativity thereupon? Muse talked about hitting someone round the chops with a porpoise and I helpfully pointed out that a porpoise was a mammal not a fish, and she told me to wait around for a whack around the head from a basking shark which is a fucking fish, in so many words. Made me chuckle.

Sorry for talking about you Muser.

BTW ....don't really think I'm fantastic as reads above...just meant that I recall nearly refusing to go out sooooo many times because I thought I looked like a right porker and had nothing to wear, only to look back at photos and realise I looked fine...just look like a porker now

Lovin the cuteness and have got a lubberly image of the 4 of us with a baby each dancing away at the good times sound system How's that for positivity ? Cheers v much romaine I heart you :)

I didn't get arsey! My porpoise slapping was a deliberate joke on account of knowing they are not fish. They are amphibians, innit? Wot?

Scorps do I have to set Gok on you? Please don't become like sex tights woman, the thought makes me want to

I realise a little bit sick may have been induced with that last post. My apologies.

Ha! It worked!

oh ah, i do remember the sea dwelling creatures getting larger and larger, but I have no memory of any arsiness tho so obviously didnt happen

i now have image of scorps in a victorian white nighty buttoned right up some what like holly hunter in the piano. Except without the holey stockings as calves would need to be on show. Not much perfunctory or unsatisfying sex in that film.

cinco HTFU (although i did start it with postage of cutesy baby items, shame on me)

Didn't you seen Keitel's bum and lurve handles in that film? AND his willy!

Er...what does HTFU mean? < performs 10015th google search of the day>

ha ha - unfair game play my dear, you know my weakness

It'll be more like a dubious version of Scooby-doo, as TYF already looks like Shaggy and I will play the part of Fat Old Lady Withers, who is pretending to be a ghost in her victorian nighty so that she can collect the insurance on her failing amusement park. Role play can play an exciting part in many couples' sex life

PS I always used to think I needed to lose weight and look at the pics and I was TINY. Weigh more than 2 stone more than I used to... prolly nearly more like 3

Morning, how's everyone?

I feel like shit. I look even worse. I sobbed, actually sobbed on MrLoz last night. Poor fella really didn't know what had hit him. I'm not normally one to sob in front of him so he prolly thought I was dying or sommat . Oddball that I am I felt better when he said he was frustrated & sad too - that's mean, isn't it?

Anyhoo, I can't do Hollywood sobbing - when I go for it there's gulping & snot & red puffy eyes & soggy tissues. So this morning my head is banging & my eyes really do look like pissholes in the snow. And I have an important meeting. But in the words of Alison Moyet I'm all cried out so no more tears in the office at least.

Aries you is well lush. Thanks for the Welsh tongue, raised a massive .

Scorps you are well lush too. If you really need to SWI but are feeling that bad about yourself (although I seriously don't agree with you) why not try blindfolding TYF, maybe even tie his hands up too? Then just do the dirty how you see fit? I think I may of heard of teh secks like this......

I'm off on a date with Mr Loz tonight - we're going to the theatre to see Spamalot. I feel that is just what the doctor ordered.

Big apologies for my hysterics of yesterday - I feel like a nob. Not for the first time & undoubtedly not for the last either.

I'm just going to sit with my feet dangling in The Pit if I may.

Fishslaps & pain au chocolat all round, x

Oh poor Lozza . Is true: absolutely impossible to cry like in the fillums. I always get a fetching rash on my forehead . PLus also, I do not think it mean that there was some relief in knowing your fella shares your frustration: I think maybe it gives some support and even legitimacy to your own feelings? I mean, in the sense that you are absolutely not alone. One hesitates to wheel out a gigantic cliche, but problem shared and whatnot. But I am just so sorry. This whole business is a particular kind of cruelty that I knew nothing about until it all began, and I loathe that you are going through it (and the other BESHes).

Nothing to report here - just patiently awaiting the transition from brown goo to brown string, and from thence to the RTOD. Hu hum. Am joining Fat Fighters again tomorrow: recent 20lb weight gain cannot possibly be helping, and apart from anything else I have a wardrobe of hand-made 50s frocks, antique beaded cardigans and vintage blouses waiting for me .

Vicious stamps on the little toe to each and every single one of you rotten glorious lot.

Morning Haggeleties.

Lozza you aren't a knob, you were sad, tis not the same thing.

Scorpy luvver I am that you are feeling this way. Hope you're ok chick.

Good show Areo on tempting Mussilicios out of hiding!! Hope you aren't too horribly damp.

Tarty how you doing today

Twinkleystar if you is lurking pliz to accept this fish slap and my hopes that you're on the up and up

LozzaLot No hysterics as far as I could see yesterday, just normal frustration and sadness at having hopes pissed on again. Hope you have a fantastic time at the theatre, and here?s a glass of pureed mollusc to start you off. Now down in one.

TreacleTart one follicle is all you need as you well know, the drucks are to make sure it?s a A grade good un and all the timings are bang on etc.. Have a bin bag full of rotting whelks emptied onto you.

Sorry for the Rusty Bucket (see what I did there?) Club Bangers and Aries. Tis truly infuriating. And the MIL/wheelchair scenario sounds terrifying BulgingBiceps&Bangers. Well done for riding that out.

Had final last ditch saloon sechs last night in a position suggested to Scropes upthread. I believe the term I?m looking for is ?queefed? to my utter shame.

Ah, Mindy'sMinge (there used to be a doll called Mindy, right?), the inevitable backwards-queef. And then you laugh, right? And that does nothing, nothing, to prevent further queefing. Happy days.

'queefed'.....eh? I feel like the not cool girl who didn't understand TRUFAX about periods and shizzle at school. Pliz to explain.

So sorry for all the rusty gussets and the BESHies that are feeling blue. Lorry you are NOT a knob and perfectly entitled to have a full on, hysterical sobbing fit/rant if that is what you need.

I am on the up and up Salty, thanks for asking. Droid over today and so the fun starts again. Only the man is away for ovulation day for the next 2 months (twat) and have to rely on the spermies to keep swimming for a few extra days.

at Beaver's queefing! I prefer the term queefed to fanny fart, which makes my blood run cold and brings back a very embarrassing memory from my yoof. Doggy style should always be accompanied by very loud music to avoid these hideous moments...

oh, so that's what 'queefing' means...

TwinkiTwinks my dear!! So pleased you're all good. I am currently cheering on the tadpoles in the hope that I ovulate tomorrow. Or maybe today. Or Thursday, in which case I will switch to cheering egg on and SWI on Sat!! Jesus....

"Queeef"

V v v quick as I am playing hookey. Chin up EddieStobart my little Taffy chum.

Could someone please kick my butt out of the front door as need to go for walk. I would go for a run but it makes my whole body hurt and makes my lungs feel like leaving through my mouth.

Also don't want to jiggle the sperms around too much in case they don't hang on...

Ass kicking, please Hags, I am not doing any good sitting here....

SweatySalt have you gone yet? Think of the wonderful endorphins and sense of achievement you will have once you've been...plus I'll smack your bottom if you don't go. Move it move it move it! (shouted in the style of Lieutenant Harris from Police Academy).

Nice to see you Twinks I think LadyGaga had a win from SWI a few days before ovulation so you stand every chance.

Thank you for your kindness everyone, but even more so thank you for introducing me to the word "queefed".

I have never heard that before, & I think it is the funniest thing I've heard in ages.

"backward-queef" - I'm laughing right now if thats right?

Oh poor barbie, how utterly mortifying

I feel a referral to occupational health at this rate - colleagues see me crying yesterday & now quite literally rocking & wheezing with laughter.

Queef queef queef

See I debated putting that little snippet of information in but I knew a few pit dwellers might enjoy it. Poor bloke thought he had broken me I think.

Phew. Am back. Walked, really quite fast.

Well done Salts. I haven't had any exercise since 1896, and your very chilling evocation of coughing one's lungs up is exactly why [consfused].

In other news, does anyone want to join in my absolutely overwhelming crush on Lisa Faulkner? Plus, she is a proppa BESH (and now has exquisite adopted daughter who looks AMAZE decked out in a stripy top helping her Mum bake ).

Who is Lisa Faulkner?