We're All Going To IBESHA: Last minute budget holiday fun for 30s TTC. Pack your string bikini and your oversized shades and get on board.

[Saladbomb]

Last call for flight SWI101 to Shagaluff. Sangria laced with folic acid on tape. Fake tanned Club reps will be dishing out the 2 for 1 cocktails, dressed in nothing but the most miniscule budgie smugglers. The pit will be manned by sleazy but virile Spanish waiters to provide your every need. Lets see the summer out in BESHley style, IE: starting a bar fight, drinking the place dry and falling over in a heap at the end of the night.

BESHes, please to apply violence to my person. Am due to Ov next weekend, so this is my Lorra Lorra Sex Week... supposedly. But I've never felt less sexy in my life. I really hate my body and my weight (I have now banned TYF from looking at me when I get dressed/undressed - because nothing turns a man on more than an anxious harridan shrieking 'I'm too fat! Don't look at me!') and I know I ain't going to get diffed so what's the fucking point?

I've started a diet as of today (only the 456th attempt to lose weight this month year) and going to the gym, etc., but it won't miraculously give me a size 10 figure for tonight. I hate my body so much that it makes me feel sick when we get jiggy with it. I'm just disgusted by myself and I feel humiliated that I'm so gross and flabby when TYF is young, gorgeous and skinny. I just want to cry at the very thought of getting naked and having him touch my flab (he says I look lovely, but he's the sort of person who'd say that if I went up to 20 stone and suffered a severe facial disfigurement, etc.). I KNOW I'm not proper fat even, but I don't recognise this horrible body anymore. Feel like I'm trapped in my own flesh. Knowing that it's like this cos of my health probs and not me being a pig doesn't make it better, because I know how hard it'll be to lose even a tiny bit of weight cos of the same probs. I'm also anxious 'cos I'm having a bit of a 'girly day' tomorrow with my Mum and I feel humiliated being seen with her because she is a size 6-8 and I feel like I look grotesque next to her - and people often make tactless comments about our respective weights (fuck you, Mother Nature - would it have killed you to let me have a super-high metabolism like my Mum's?!)

Blahblahblah. Sorry to go on when people have much worse shit going on than a ladygut and bingo wings.

Scorpy my darling I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible feeling day. I will slap you round the face but I will also say that you know this is all in your head, don't you?

TYF says you look lovely because he thinks you look lovely. And he loves you, and wants to have sex with you. Oh, and he thinks you look lovely, did I mention?

Scorpy I was going to say that you have actually made me laugh very loudly in office at SkippersClunge. Only someone from the Vegas could be that filthy. I grew up in the area of the same name as that Mountain dwelling American wholesome family. I expect we are not related though as being a mistake afterthought all my relations are rather elderly now.

But now I see you have fallen head first into the pit. You don't need a size ten figure. You just need a whole lot of sexy. Pliz to spend rest of day having a lovely bath with oils and the exfoliator mitt and all the posh potions. Then read some rude bits in books. And have a snuggle here if doesn't work.

Loz snuggle here too. I found a bit of beepy when I had a rummage day before my BFP. Trufax.

Well, I presume you can all hear the beeping from where you are? . That'd be month 31 fail - is this some kind of record?

Sorry, forgot who asked - I did used to be fairly regular 32 (ish) days. Had HSG/JIAP/dildocam - all OK. Had Clomid to make me "super-fertile". Didn't work. I only took 3 of the 6 months they prescribed as I've read some places like you to take it while undergoing IUI (which is a potential for us) so I didn't want to use up my magic 6 month dose now. I've drunk grapefruit juice, pineapple juice, tried temping, peeing on ov stick, Boots own pre-seed, pillow under arse, cough medicine (pliz not to laff too much), am currently half way through a 6 week reflexology baybee promising course & even the occasional bout of SWI . I'm done - I have no more ideas left. I've booked FC for 9 Sept, along with it seems most of the BESH's . If only I was as laid back as my fucking FC then I'd be on baybee 47 by now.

*these smiles are watery & a pretty rubbish attempt.

Thanks for all your kindness - but you made me cry again!

scorps oh lovely scorps I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish. I've seen your pics & you truly are beautiful. End of. I know this won't make you magically feel wonderful about yourself. If only we could see what others see eh? I too have a girly day planned for Fri with my mum & sis - both size 12. Me & my lardy size 16 arse will feel wonderfully svelte next to them. My sis & I do look alike, but when someone said they weren't sure who they had seen even my mum said "Laurie is bigger". She doesn't mean it nasty, its a troo fax, but still makes me feel .

God, that was selfish, talking to you scorp & dragged it back to me - GAH - sorry.

Maybe if you read your aims & goals we all wrote in t'other place it may help.

Oh, & for anyone wishing to torture themselves further DO NOT click on the TTC for 4 months fred. Don't ask me why I did, it was like a moth to a flame. I know everyone has their own demons etc etc but honestly, panicking after 4months. I had to quickly turn my entire PC off & go & do some filing, filing I tell thee, to stop me typing something that would've had me banned from MN.

We're all a pretty decent bunch - why can't we have what we want?

I'm writing today off as a bad job. I have something in my eye again...........

SexyMumra now look here lady

Strange, the very same thing seems to be in my eye too, Lolz. Am so about the bastard droid. There's child molesters who serve shorter prison sentences than your 31 months. I've personally just about given up all hope now. I just want to crawl under the duvet and never come out. Care to join me?

My Mum always tells me I'm not overweight and I look fabulous. Then we go shopping and she's trying on skinny jeans and gorgeous stuff and looking a-mazing (she's super-fashionable, in a Mary Portas way) and I'm hovering near some shapeless fatso smock dresses hating myself. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the fact that I am actually naturally thin and that's my identity in my head. I realised I have moaned endlessly about having always been scrawny, so will shut up now about that.

I want to go to the gym, but I can't make myself leave the flat. I don't want anyone to look at me and the thought of feeling my blubber fly a la Homer whilst doing cardio makes me want to vomit. But I will go. I will. I WILL.

Ah lorry it was me asking what tests and stuff you had done. I assumed you had done all the stuff like temping/OPK's etc. IUI is usually done with injectibles in this country as far as I know, so your Clomid taking shouldn't effect that. I did get pregnant on my 4th cycle with Clomid so even if it hasn't worked on the previous months there is still a chance that it will later on. I'll shut up because I know that hearing all this when your droid has just appeared may not be helpful, but I hope you can feel more hopeful after a couple of days. I hope your clinic appointment will let you progress onto some more proactive treatment, or at least provide you with some reassurance that trying Clomid for a bit longer will actually help.

PS Thanks for the kind words, GaGa and BeaverShot. And GaGa, Mum's family are from an area of that crooked town near your area: what's left after a fire + thing you push open to get into a field (for example). Clear as mud!

TO THE GYM!

laurie I am gutted for you. Gutted. it all sounded so good. Bloody bastard droid. It's so fecking unfair.

Scorps you are gorgeous. That has nothing to do with your weight, it's just you. And TYF thinks you're gorgeous, give him some credit for being a sensible love and believe him. If you really don't want to get jiggy with it blindfold yourself or him (but not both or you might get the wrong hole) and you'll not be able to see anything to worry you. Tada!

Oh dear, I seem have summat in me eyes, ouch.

LovelyLaurie words fail me. Tis so pissing unfair. Maybe you could travel up to meet Scorps - meet in the art gallery and let her have her way with you in the alley out back. I swear that is what got me diffed. Seriously though my love, you bloody deserve your baybee, in fact you deserve a little brood of them and I just wish I could impregnate you do summat to help you.

And now to you Scropy. Come here and sit on lap my luvver. You, young lady, are BEAUTIFUL. Inside and out. Having seen you in t'flesh I know this for a fact. TYF clearly loves you, the whole you and would love you if were a size 8, a manatee in a tea dress or horribly scarred, because he is utterly fabulous and appreciates a good thing when he sees one! It is grossly unfair that your health ishoes have left you with a body you don't recognise. That truly sucks. But that don't mean you are not beautiful. Now, get thee to the gym, have a good soak/scrub in the shower and get your best undies and makeup on, and go seduce TYF!

Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore everyone else. Am on phone at the 'rents and typing on this takes feckin ages.

Rie glad you have not been swept out to sea. Musemylovely how are doing? Is the sickness abating yet?

HB I am still keeping everything crossed for you, I refuse to accept defeat until the rusty fucker bleeps.

Oh yes, love the new name Barbie'sMuff

Oh Lozza my love, I just don't know what to say. This whole business is so cruel, not least because there's so often such hope . I wish wish wish there was something to be said to make you feel better just now, but everything I type just looks unbearably trite. Am thinking of you lots though and wishing all goodness and that the 9th Sept mass-BESH FC appt will give some answers result in instant majick diffedness.

Score I trust that even as I type you are lying the bath, slathering your flawless buzzwams with Chanel unguents, reading some absolute filth (Catullus? Henry Miller?) and generally preparing to leap on TYF in a whirl of porcelain skin and raven locks.

I have just had the most terrifying 5 minutes of my life, trying to get my (very fragile, disabled, 72-year-old) MIL down a flight of steel-edged stairs in her wheelchair. It was easy on the way up, but gravity was not our friend on the way down. I was bearing an immense weight on very feeble upper arm strength, gripping her chair by a piece that seemed to be threatening to come off, leaning so far over her I honestly though I would topple and taken them all with me. My entire body was shaking with the effort of trying to prevent her from toppling over (the doctors have said just a little tumble onto a carpet could break all her bones; what damage a flight of hard stairs would do I cannot imagine).

I am now tearful and shaking. I honestly thought she was going to fall. Oh and I have tell-tale brown pant-snot .

oh Lorrie that is so shit, it was starting to sound v hopeful.

I curse all the brown pant snot that ever befell any BESH and shake my fists at the gusset gods. Honestly. I ain't given up on the MSDP yet, and I KNOW it is yet to fulfill its full potential.

Scorpulous from the digits you once mentioned, you ain't fat at all. Not to mention that the boy seems to be very keen in the bed department, and from what I know of the male anatomy, they find it pretty hard to fake it .

HB well done for not dropping MIL!!

Shitty, shitty rusty gussets. BESHies, gather round and lets all snuggle up together to ride it out.

Oh tarty we'll come down to you

Right, I've made a nice lot of salsa verde, anyone want some on a nice bit of toasted ciabatta ?

:( this evening.

Lorry I don't know what to say. What an absolute bastard and you are to be really admired at having been such a cheerful lovely trooper for so long. Now you're going to get some help and it will happen for you and you'll be a gorgeous, brilliant mum.

Now then ScoreCard, you may not believe me but I know full well what it's like wanting to turn off lights and turn around while getting it on, and getting undressed and stuff. It makes MrA cross, which makes me worse. All I can think to say is that you love and trust TYF don't you? You agree with him on almost everything, you trust his judgement etc. So trust his judgement here too. He's got good taste hasn't he? And so that includes you. Tell yourself that please.

Oh HB, well done. It all turned out ok and you didn't drop her and she's alright. DEEEEEP breath.

Is only a matter of time before someone mentions fecking babydust on the 4 months TTC thread. No - don't go see it, it'll only make you menkul

I just read it too.

I was THIS CLOSE the other day to replying to a thread all about BDing with the request to never, ever use that fucking word, EVER. It makes me want to vomit. And as for tossing, wanking, bloody "babydust".

Oooh, such venom. Apologies to any lurkers and visitors. Disclaimer: I am not a horrible person

You lot are ace, you know that?

aries I am laughing at you calling me cheerful - tis ironic, non?

head sorry you seem to be joining the pant snot brigade. You're in good company though, if I say so myself.

scorps you ok? I hope you're scrubbed & lathered up & listening to bam-chica-wow musack.

I'll be OK. The first day is always shit. I'm an idiot - the sadness always surprises me.

God, now I have snot* on the keyboard, its not a good look.

*of the nose variety.

Rie if it wasn't so horribly twee I would high 5 you!!

I once came across a forum called 'The Mommy Playbook'...check it out, it is entirely stuffed to the brim with BDing and babydust, complete with emoticons to suit.......

Hullo you lovely hags. I see it hasn't been a fun day in the palais :( I hope you have left some room down there in the pit for me to join you later in the week.

First can I say to StinkyBeaver I was wondering where you had been on my way to work this morning but as I don't have access at work I couldn't ask. so there. :p

HB I have been studiously ignoring the the internet cheapies I got with my internet cheapie OPKs. I am waiting til friday at least but only because I don't want to waste them (and wreck my head) as I am certain I am not even remotely diffed. Hope you have recovered from MIL maneuvering, that sounds extremely stressful!

Lorra :( I have not the words, was feeling so hopeful for you when I started reading todays posts. Its truly truly fucktardly unfair, all I have to offer is a massive slice of victoria sponge cake, here let me brush those crumbs from your chest... xxxx roll on the massBESHFCeffect in sept.

scorps I can't add anything useful to buck you up that hasn't already been said, I just hope the endorphins have done the job and made you realise you are a boootiful ladee and TYF loves and fancies you very much. Now get the to the bedroom in scanty clothing.

THAT's what I meant by cheerful. The snot comment, of the nose variety.

I'm joining the rusty pant snot club. I have a comforting thought. We are synchronising. Our bodies are waiting for each other. And then - kerpow! We will be diffed together. Tis a nice thought, non?