30s TTC: Summertime, and the diffin's easy. White goods are jumping and the WOOFLing is high. MSDP in full swing.

[MountTheFairy]

The one before the BESHory Towers. Easy one for summer: I have dug up a fishing pond in the middle of the Palace, put a roof light over it, got some fishin' sticks and put some Gershwin on. Salad's providing Elderflower Fizz, served by newbs in topless bikinis. Could life be better?

ME TOO!

Well, your name will be changed as you spend the time in La Palais, ShaftedBun. (Notice I do not speak any French.)

I just had a gorgonzola sarnie. I am sure it is on the taboo list as well, but as I am PMS bloating who gives da fook.

Saffronwaldon Look in the last BESH thread as squishy only just did one, should be on the last few pages. (where did she go?)

mmm, LARDYCAKE, anyone wanna slice? trying to be good about diet but it is HARD. just been reading v depressing list of things i should give up if i want to win a baybeee. Good job i stayed away from work as there is a leaving do and there was talk of Costco pizza, would be too hard to resist.

Ok, what's on the list, then? You know I can never memorise it... Booze, fags, coffee...? Soft cheeses and peanuts only come later if when you get updiffed, right?

It was mainly the booze i am having a whinge about. I was reading one webo that said any more than 5 units a week can halve your chances of updiffication. that's quite hard to hear for a hardened booze hag such as myself. Fags is easy (blech) and the coffee i spose i can live without but chocolate? (thats got caffeine in it too) seriously what will be the point of living.

also need to hose down the organic food, cut down on dairy and get involved in this thing they call 'exercise'? not sure what that's all about but it does NOT sounds like fun. sorry just being a massive whinge bag. ignore me...

Well all the unfairness in the world. I have not been boozing for a while now, as I suddenly became intolerant. No shit, one glass of wine makes me hurl nowadays. And this comes from a person who wanted to become a Master of Wine! I have absolutely no idea what happened.

Ok, guilty of chocolate, but now on diet. Never ate too much dairy and do eat all (or most) organic. So apart from caffeine, I should be carrying triplets. Ok, exercise too. Suck at that. But so did my mum!

Sorry, that was MEMEME. Naaaah, I don't reckon any of that can be a real reason for lack of diffment. It's all the usuals that fall under 'healthy living' innit. Though I know weight can be a big factor, and that's my current mission.

I ain't reading any of those lists. Smacks too much of some sort of moral-crusade 'How to become good enough to be a mother' rubbish

I think there is another T shirt slogan in there, HardHead.

ouch! that is a harsh curse, did you anger the booze goddess somehow? i don't eat a lot of chocolate and i much prefer the really dark, so usually stick to a few small bits after dinner. But its confusing, how much is too much? And try to stick to organic vege when i can but it gets expensive so don't all the time and defo cant afford the meat with unemployment looming...

I sometimes wish I was born in a different era, maybe the 50's. Then I wouldn't have access to google and be able to do my own head in. (mind you no MN then)

is right, HB do me a favour and give me a good hard punch to snap me out of it. Is all bollocks I'm sure. You'd think I'd be thankful its all mrBs fault (not really) but i just want to make sure there's a well prepared bed for his slightly sickly seed just incase one of em makes it.

We can do the 50's theme next, just for you. You can't say we do not fullfill all your fantasies .

ooh yes please! in a burlesque style maybe? With some Marilyn impersonations... [wagglyeyebrowsemoticon]

Oh now I sharn't punch exactly SaladDaze, partly because maybe I'm being irresponsible. I mean, look: of course getting wankered on three litres of Diamond White, and eating junk food morning noon and night, and asking your Uncle Barry to bring back 100 duty-free Lambert & Butler is to be STRONGLY deprecated if you're TTC. But guidance from the medical establishment (who incidentally change their minds every 18 months) gets filtered through the Daily Mail and a thousand lunchtime TTC chats, and before you know it one bit of research on a rat systematically drowned in pure caffeine becomes a situation in which women post messages on MN saying they had a Diet Coke and feel tearful because they're pregnant.

Obviously we all calculate the risks we're prepared to take (I have moderated my boozing for instance, and am losing weight, and eating so much fresh fruit and veg I'm surprised I haven't given birth to a smoothie. Although hang on maybe that accounts for my spotting...), and I wouldn't ever chasten or mock anyone for it. But I think we have to be really careful about the way women are treated when it comes to TTC and pregnancy. There's a slightly unsavoury overtone of infantilisation (the little dears can't be trusted to decide how much Pinot Grigio is wise, so we'd best tell them to lay off it completely), and of moralising (she didn't deserve her baybee, she doesn't eat organic!).

That is all. I shall clamber down from my high horse. And doubtless when in 2 years' time I have no baybee to show for my politicisation of nutritional guidelines, and you are all planning an immense joint BESHbaybee birthday bash, you can all chorus I TOLD YOU SO!!!! until I cry.

So, tried to move out whilst I was away hmm? Not so easy to get rid of me now is it?

I survived!! Woop woop!

twinklystar I am so, so upset for you - I am with you every step of the way my lovely. Join me for a twirl in the pit when you're back fro your hols?

MusicalYouth - fab that HB was there. I have to be honest and sy that it caused me a pang when I read it, but once the pang stopped, I was left with a feeling of hope and happiness for you.

Arieltricks good news re your sister.

Nothing like 60 kids to put things in perspective! I actually have had a really good time! The only bit where I neary had a public cry was during a discussion by some of the staff about 'who it is at school who is preggers' as there is a rumour that someone is. At one point one of them turned to me and said 'Ooh! Is it you? You must be about ready to have a baby'. None of the staff there even knew I was diffed for a bit, so they weren't being insensitive, but it was difficult!

So - I have scan read the several thousand posts since I was last here.....have I missed anything big?

SALTY! Gissa kiss!

You've missed a LOT of self-absorption on my part, which you are pliz to ignore, 'cos it is not endearing.

V. v. glad to have you back moi luvver . I'm so glad it wasn't too traumatic, though OUCH to the unintended baybee comment . You're amazingly calm about it and altogether rather spesh.

Why bangington, are we doing tongues?

Self absorption or useful analysis, thus saving self thousands on a therapist in order to buy some nice books, or a baby off of ebay.

I am calm, but only intermittently.In between the calms, I am quite the opposite. I am also constipated, which is unfair, as I'm not giving myself piles if I don't even get a baby at the end of it. I think it is hormones.

welcome back saltydog glad you had a good un apart from the one unfortunate comment.

and bangers yes i know you are right. it will all go out the window when i am presented with that fizzing elderflower. its just hard not to think its something i'm doing or not doing when you've been barren as long as i have.

anyway, mrB just got out the shower after his run so perfect opp to surprise sex him. must dash....

hello, lovely new thread.

I dropped my alcohol consumption significantly when trying to get diffed; but usually opened a bottle of something to drown my sorrows whenever my period arrived.

Salty my love, tis good to see you back. Glad it was ok. Here, have a piña colada.

Grr grrr. Am fed up with stupid peeing on stick fiasco already and have only not even collected enough used sticks to build eiffel tower yet. Why do you have to hold it in for 4 sodding hours in order to do OPK test? Was almost disastrous (and did not get smiley face either so doubly shit). Grrr more.

Right, seeing this has started all self-absorbed mememe etc I might as well get it all over with and fill this in:

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes') Plymouth, Tanqueray, Homemade Sloe gin but please, never the filth that is Gordon's.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar? DH is 7 years older than me and thus 40+ and too old for this thread.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   e) Burn stuff and sacrifice a goat (this is the Somerset Way)

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

Clearly A is the only sensible option.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

Clearly B.

6. what colour are your walls? Peeling 50s wallpaper as am intending to decorate/move house when I am 8.5 months pg like everyone else does. This may never happen.

7. Number of pets?
   1 Evil Kitty who barfs on the sofa/floor/etc

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Hm. Wolverine but only if he keeps the outfit on.

9. Lesbian crush?
   Bjork

10. What are your views on camping?
    Ah, the smell of bacon frying in the morning mingling with the fresh air...oh wait there's a large slug and fifteen spiders sharing my sleeping bag.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

I am aiming for ii + iii) as that looks like the only sensible option from where I am standing. Don't come and stand where I'm standing, please.

Congratulations on surviving Salty and even more at managing to enjoy it. Does trips with teenagers = teacher = about to have long holiday from having to deal with teenagers every day?

HB re. spotting and stuff, random thought, do you chart temps? I've been reading TCOYF (latest attempt to feel like I'm actually doing something to help this whole ttc thing) and she seems to think that because diffedness can give you a triphasic chart (like what Polly had) you can also potentially tell whether you're suffering from a teflon Joe Mangel. I think the logic is if an egg is fertilised your progesterone levels go up and hence so does your temp, so if that happens and droid still arrives you can have some idea of what went on. I've no idea if that logic actually works and it does rely on putting up with the faff/menkul making of temping, but thought I'd mention it in case it's useful.

OMG!!! lettuceleaf - where did I go?! Work - only been gone 11 hours and about eleventy nine pages to read - am NEVER gonna keep up!!! On the plus side, however, feel a little better about own sanity having just read back and not understood it all!

So, in the name of TTC, apart from having sex and trying-but-failing to lose weight - what else should I be doing?! Have read about vitamins for him but do you rate them?! And what about pour moi (for me, MTF I will teach you French - and yes, am redhead and somewhat freckly, how on earth do you know these things?!?!?!)

I just cut my fucking fingertip off AGAIN like a clumsy great fucking twat. Did it in the winter, blood all over the kitchen, trip to a+e, will the nail grow back, do you want a plastic surgeon, I';ll never use that knife again.

Cut to 8 months later same fuxking injury on same finger with same knife. Nurse at hospital managed not to laugh. Fucking half of my nail and missing I'm SUCH a twat

typing somewhat hampered. will read saffron's questionnaire to distract from throbbing and idiocy

look away now if youre squeamish

Just found piece of finger on chopping board. Surface area of cut much greater but this time mostly nail and less actual finger which explains why this time I didn't nearly pass out/need a tourniquet

is stupidity a symptom of diffedness? Throw me a fucking bone here!

You what? Did you literally cut it off? Like had to scoop it up and put it on ice and bring it in?