30s TTC: Summertime, and the diffin's easy. White goods are jumping and the WOOFLing is high. MSDP in full swing.

[MountTheFairy]

The one before the BESHory Towers. Easy one for summer: I have dug up a fishing pond in the middle of the Palace, put a roof light over it, got some fishin' sticks and put some Gershwin on. Salad's providing Elderflower Fizz, served by newbs in topless bikinis. Could life be better?

Sorry.... dead fly . My keyboard is playing up.

Good morning all, my small person decreed over an hour ago that I should be up; so reading about cadavers over a morning cuppa is quite interesting! Hotpot, studies sound interesting particularly the order of your own supply of speculums (specula?!??!)

I'm getting that this fred isn't full of morning persons then!!

Was just trying to get a headstart on the catch-up, s'yalater!

Morning.

This has been preying on my mind because I'm ever so sad. Who was it who hit Scorps with a porpoise yesterday? Fishy? FISHY? A porpoise is a mammal!! It's like hitting her with a water-dwelling badger. Tsssssk.

It was me Aries. I do know a porpoise is a mammal, I was hoping someone would point that out. Then I could have hit them with a basking shark.

Hmm, not sure how a porpoise would feel about being compared to a badger...but now am wondering what land-mammal it could be likened to?! Perhaps a hybrid of the friendly labrador; the cunning fox and the cuteness of a cuddly cute thing (wow, 3 years doing a degree in Zoology and all I can come up with is a cuddly cute thing - am thinking one BESH's cuddly cute is another BESH's inappropriate crush)...............

Cadavers, mutilation, porpoises...is all go round here.

PS head Although I am in awe of your stoicism and typing in the face of pain, you made me weep with laughter with your story. NOT with the event itself, which was unfunny in the extreme, but with the recounting. Which was genius. You should write for a living...oh, hang on...

I am ratty and bloated. Why did I ever even allow myself to go into the menkul and hope?

Salty ? may I offer my services to push a huge Indiana Jones proportioned boulder onto the heads of those NHS jokers sending you ?helpful reminders?? Here?s a wheelbarrow full of Kinder eggs for you and Twinks in the pit. Don?t give the toys to BigBangers, she?ll probably choke on them. Does anyone remember the French & Saunders sketch where the country horsey lady cuts off one her fingers and feeds it to the dog?

Cass ? I have also seen lots of real life hacked up dead peeps ? won?t say anymore here?.Not nice though. I?m very jealous of your chiropractor training, I would love to do that.

Squishy ? snap! I did a Zoology degree too! Are you me?

Scorps ? I was inspired by your acupuncture experiences (and was it PollyPoo too?) so have booked a session to start needling. What can I expect? Will I have to take my clothes off?

And ROFL LOL WTF LMAO to HB too (Bends over to await punishment).

Mountie - don't ever give up on the hope. We will all get there I'm sure (anyone spot my mid cycle optimism there?)Have a tequila slammer and a poke in the eye.

Hello, hello. I go away for an evening & youse lot chat up pages & pages. I've had to delay my finance report to catch up

bangers You are a nobber. A lovely nobber, but a nobber none the less. To chop your finger off once, is an accident. To do it twice it just silly. Seriously, ouch & hope you're OK. True story - someone in work lost the top of 2 of his fingers in lawnmower related shenanigans. When we went out for Christmas party he pulled 2 crackers (of the jazzy paper, hat, crap joke & prize sort) and his prize in each was 2 of those crazy finger tops with the long red nails! I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Sympathetic to the last! At least he saw the funny side, & wore these finger tips saying they'd saved him a fortune in plastic surgery.

saffron Welcome to BESHmania!!

salty I'm open mouthed in shock at the complete cuntery of your GP's midwife. Let cass at 'em I say.

Sorry to rain on everyone's parade again, but chiropractor does not equal diffment. Tis sommat else I've tried. I've a dodgy back (no dramatic injury, just is), so decided to go to a chiropractor to strengthen it up ready for baybee carrying. Still no diffment for me. I do enjoy the appointments though, she's not a clicky jerky movement chiro, its some kind of softer form of it.

Anyhoo, my finance report now has flashing neon lights & loud musack to draw my attention to it, so must dash....

They do eat fish though. A variety of types. So they probably smell fishy Muse The only one I have ever smelled is a dead one on the beach. Not very nice.

Jerky and clicky is what I'm after Lozza. Bet it feels good afterwards eh? Eh? Eh?

Sorry, that should have read ""

Now what's all this about dairy. I have been told to gorge on dairy to guarantee diffment. Is this not, then, true? Or is it just to gain the required poundage? I'm such a thicko and blindly do what I am told.

Actually your hitting with a basking shark threat just made me spit my full fat milk out, Muse. Did anyone ever see that Shooting Stars when Mark Lemar had to bat away a variety of ever-increasing-in-size animals ending up with a grizzly bear which sent him flying and the set collapsed like a row of dominoes? Genuinely one of the funniest visual things I've ever seen, but I'm easily pleased.

Now will stop. Three in a row is Too Much. Hoping to have mollified Muser though all this talk of fish probably isn't doing her morning sickness much good.

Right. Typinh less than top notch. dreams of blood soakedf sheets and my mum being cross with me

All this came mere hours from my haughty and wounded response to a pal pointing out that what with sweetie-burns in my throat and whatnot I am acident prone.

Drom is OK, I arrived at trhe clinic laughing like a drain...

Aries your injury tale made me fee quite faint so it did. Can we install some smelling salts in the palais pliz thanks

Will spend remainder of day reading. My thoughta re with you . The OM is applying to the local Auithority for a carer.

Oh no, OfficeSnorting is so unladylike. I really must get back to work instead of being amused by flying basking sharks.

Ariesgrill if there's an excuse to eat cheese I am all over that one, pass the red leicester plz.

HB if it's any consolation I once sprained my wrist opening a jar of Chicken Tonight, that went down a treat in A&E I can tell you. Comedy injuries are the best ones

Will you all please SHUT THE FUCK UP - you've covered nearly 10 pages in 24 hours, and I'M BUSY AT WORK SO CAN'T KEEP UP .

HB, your story make me pukey. But you did indeed tell it very well.

Scorps, I read your monologue about your flawless (absolutely flawless) womble and log flume tubes to HO - he said "that's brilliant, why isn't she writing for a living rather than spending all her time on MN". Nuff said

Can't keep up with the sibilant newbies - could we pleeease do an audit?
Name, age, length of time trying, any existing children, amusing anecdote. Fanks.

Aries, I once had an awful snog with a bloke I had fancied for ages. I said to him "you kiss like a whale shark". Which I think might actually be a fish?

I didn't mean STFU completely - waaah have kiled most active thread ever .

Please come back BESHes .

For those of you not familiar with the whale shark

stinkywinky how odd! You might just be me - where did I do my degree?!?!??!?!

No, seriously, I can't remember!!!

RunLR, know what you mean, am now needing to log on whilst at work to try and catch up - if I get sacked I'm going to have to name you all at Appeal to give BESHtimonials!!

My god you lot can talk... It has taken me 2 cups of tea and a very large slice of TG's birthday cake to catch up. Welcome to the newbs - I second Lyra on the audit.. would help my jelly brain remember who is who.

HB you bloody nutter! Do hope you are feeling ok now and finger grows back again (bleurgh, that story almost put me off my cake). Speaking of cake.... coffee and walnut anyone? Or a nice lemon sponge? I haz been baking today.

Sorry to absence - has been due to working like a fucking dog to get house in order for Boo's birthday party on Sunday. I have been doing homemade burgers (for BBQ), baking cakes and doing ackshul proper cleaning - not just moving shit from one place to another! All was going well, I was on schedule until SIL of the cunt-kicking decided to pay a visit yesterday with her child and boyf (who had spent the prev 24 hrs throwing up... SIL insisted it wasn't a bug but how the fuck could she acksherly know?). Despite telling her I had loads to do at home, she wanted to go out for the afternoon to petting zoo. Thought it wouldn't take long as is close by, so fort I could still make burgers before going to work. However, on way home she pipes up that she had better go to Tescunts to get food for her son's dinner. Cue me arriving home with barely enough time to eat, change and leave. And then I noticed that all the mince I had bought had a use-by date of yesterday and had to lob it in the freezer. I then drove to work sobbing in a hormone-crazed and knackered state.... nice. I will now have to defrost the meat on Sat and make burgers sunday morning before everyone arrives - meaning that all my carefully laid plans re: getting everything done in advance and not stressing on the day have gone to ratshit. AND... get this... as you know she is diffed (about 10/11 wks after first month ttc... same as happened first time round) so we were having a convo about baybees, like you do, and I said that TG is planning the snip as he does not want any more than 2 children (I would like 4). So she says 'well considering how long it took you to get pregnant this time, it is not very likely, is it? And if you do get pregnant, it will be a blessing, won't it?' It is a good job I had my back to her as my face was a picture of pure . The fucking insensitive cow! I am 39 soon and only too aware that I am fucking lucky to have one beautiful daughter, and a burgeoning bump but that doesn't mean I am not very sad that this will likely be my last pregnancy*. And anyway, why did she even say that? What need was there to say that? She has absolutely NO emotional intelligence at all... fucking unbelievable. She and I are going to fall out very badly one day. (For the newbies - this is just the latest in a very long line of insensitive hurtful comments she has made over the 2 years it has taken us to get duffed again. Apparently, tricking your OH into impregnating you and getting duffed first time (on both occasions.. did I say both?!) makes her a fucking fertility expert.)

Anyway, sorry, that was very MEMEME. Just really needed to get that off my chest.

Scropy what did needles lady say this week about impending panther? Any hints or tips? Glad you got text my luvver, I know your phone is bit dodgy sometimes. Gis a snog!

Right I'd better get back to the fucking enormous To Do list I still have. Would rather stay in here and drink gin. Dead arms and pitchers of Pimms for all.

Novelty injuries? When I was 15 I put my back out bending down to put my pants on. I shouted for my mum to help me, & my dad turned up to be confronted with my naked arse in the air. I screamed at a pitch only dogs could hear, he mumbled something about "getting your mother" & left my room. We've never mentioned it since .

As if further evidence was needed that I am indeed a twat, I've let myself down today. For one reason and another there have been lots of cakes in the office this week. Usually I can refuse & sit smugly in the corner eating my grapes & sipping water. This week however I've been like the Cookie Monster on speed. One of the guys in my team said "you know what this means, don't you?" With mouth stuffed of cake I shook my head. He replied "the patter of tiny feet". To which I started giggling furiously, blushing and loadly saying haha, do you think so? Ho,, ha... I just about stopped myself asking him if my boobs looked bigger & would he like to analyse my pant snot.

Sorry, meant to add a * at the bottom...

• I do apologise BESHes if that comment was insensitive to those of you who have not yet achieved first diffment.... and here I am complaining about not have 4. Really truly do not mean to upset anyone as I heart you all muchly. Just trying to explain feelings wrt SIL's comments.

Oh yes, and I have been careful before about posting stuff on here about her, as I'm not sure if she is a MNer. But frankly, after yesterday I blardy well hope she DOES read this!

Oh polly x-posts - what a cunt of a SIL. Here, have this novelty hat where you can put the gin on top & drink from straws at the same time as doing your chores, x

Fuck - loadly saying? I meant loudly of course, but I did say it loads of times...

Lolly that story of your injury made me larf Can't imagine anything worse at 15!

Pollllllllllllllllllsterrrrrrrrrrrrr

But at least it's got to be clear to everyone she meets thst your SIL is a twunt. Whereas everyone YOU meet knows you're lovely. Is that any sort of cosmic consolation?