Really, unreasonably upset by MIL's Xmas present to me

[theSuburbanDryad]

I am pg with dc2, and MIL (for some mad reason) thought that a tin of powdered infant formula and a load of bottles would be a really nice Xmas present for me. Bearing in mind that a) I breastfed ds until he was 21 months and b) Powdered infant formula isn't suitable for babies under 12 weeks anyway, I'm struggling to see what she was trying to achieve with this "gift", other than trying to totally undermine my feeding choices. She specifically told me not to open it until I got home, which suggests she knew how upset I would be by it.

She's very anti-breastfeeding, and was utterly repulsed by my plan to tandem nurse. She keeps telling me to put ds onto formula (even though he's nearly 2! ) and every time he gets a slight sniffle she tries to claim it's because I've somehow managed to pass it on through my breastmilk (even though we're not feeding anymore!) - I've given up trying to explain how it works.

There's no point trying to talk to her about this, so poor old dh has borne the brunt of my ire - but i'm still really upset over it, irrationally so. I need to get over this!

Openly use the formula in her tea every time she comes to visit. Because you don't really know what else you might use it for.

That's if she ever gets invited back of course!!

Definiely- use it in her tea! Perfect!

just read about the names list, and my xmil was so condescending about names. eg, she thought that Archie was the most ludicrously strange name for a baby and I politely said, have you been to a lot of creches recently? I think it's inthe top 100 names. She said "you see,you have to think of the child". I said I AM thinking of MY child.

It could have gone on for years. I am not with her son now and I have told her what I think of her several times and she has returned the favour.

Saying what you think is satisfying for 30 seconds but afterwards you feel crap, like you're no better.

For years I long to tear strips off that woman and tell her what I thought of her.

I wish I hadn't let my guard down now., let her know that she has the power to exasperate me.

Lol at using it in her tea!!!! That is so funny. Do it without saying anything!!

I get a lot of this kind of thing too and overall do just ignore it. What is probably behind is that she sees your choice to bf as reflecting badly on her choice not to, and anything that makes a mother feel that she has done something wrong for her children will make her very angry and upset. You never know, she may have secretly wanted to bf her children herself and was stopped by a bossy, interfering mother or MIL. My MIL has now moved on to insinuating that I don't feed my children properly and that DD1 is thin (she isn't). She, on the other hand, is posioning her diabetic husband by stuffing him with sweets and cake...
I think you and your mother's initial instinct to ignore it is probably right, because she is clearly looking for a confrontation, so that in some way she can prove that she is 'right' and you are 'wrong'. It's true though, as I've seen, that it doesn't go away and if it's not bf it will be something else. Keeping contact to a minimum is our policy anyway.

Formula can be used instead of skimmed milk powder in bread. Make some bread and 'toast' her generosity.

BTW I think she's udderly silly buying such a gift for such a competent mummy. She must be jealous.

I think you should give her breastmilk in her tea.

This may not have been malicious - when my own mother does things like this it is because she has written a bizarre script inside her own head: your MIL may have imagined you taking the present home and being annoyed about it but putting it away in the cupboard. So when struggling to get BF established with the new baby you would have formula to hand and would be more likely to use it. And then see the error of your ways and how your MIL has been right all this time. Formula being so much better. But my mother is quite mad and so self-absorbed she is unable to empathise with other human beings. And this Christmas present from your MIL was rude and offensive.

I would take FrannyandZooey's excellent advice - deal with this kind of nonsense firmly but politely. Don't ignore it and don't let her see she has upset you. Laugh off her lists of baby names. Tell her, either in writing or on front of the extended family, that you are puzzled as to what she meant by the formula gift since she knew you would be breastfeeding and that you are not sure what to make of it, can she explain? And without creating any drama, or family feuds, just avoid spending time with your MIL.

I think that the point of the silence is that it is dignified, it doesn't mean that you are agreeing with her or letting her get away with it. Normally I would be for confrontation or writing a letter but I think she is clearly mad! You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable so I would refuse to discuss it; if it is unavoidable just shrug it off and say 'you know my views on breast feeding' and change the subject.If she carries on just tell her that you are not discussing it further and pointedly change the subject.

i cant believe this this post has shocked me

how can anyone be anti breast feeding??? hello stupid woman.

i didnt breat feed through choice but i would have love to have your determination a and drive to do it.
so much so if i have another one i might just try.

you are an inspiration, i would give your mil the gift back and say she might as well get her money back just say thanks but it is no use to you.

be strong and you do what you want, !!!!

You're all very right about being dignified and rising above this. But then a bit of me thinks this was a really nasty act and why should people get away with being horrible? Bollocks to them lets just tell them that if they try to be that nasty again there will be zero tolerance.

And if it wasn't meant as a nasty act then let her defend it and fluster and apologise and try to build a bridge and do better next time

Why are we always on the back foot keeping the peace when all we do is what is actually proven to be best!!!!! It's not as if the MIL put half as much thought into this gift as she has made poor op put into recieving it.

Rant over. Back to elegant refined dignified self. Ha!

Bloody hell. I don't think you're unreasonably upset at all. I would do as hunnybun and others suggest - return it, with all the charm and thanks you can muster.

And a badge from lactivist.com saying 'formula sucks'
this page

Disclaimer - I fully support anybodies right to do anything they like and in no way wish to formula feeder bash. But these slogans and badges are qquite funny and very relevant!

love the badges treedelivery

Disclaimer ditto

OMG!!! You know what SUD, even if you were planning to ff, it would still be a shite present!

SOOOOOOO agree Visions! I just assumed you were a ff and thought -yak crappy present. The fact that you are an experienced bf makes it a rude present.

Yes, I agree Visions.
Try giving her a loaf of bread and a lump of cheap chsses next year

CHEESE
Major brainos this morning

Sorry to have not returned to this thread sooner, have been caught up in work and New Year's preparations!

Thank you for all your comments. I have made my mind up to say something to her on Friday when she comes to babysit for ds while I work - that is assuming she doesn't cancel on me last minute. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of, "Oh yes, before I forget, the tin of formula? Thanks for such a thoughtful gift, but it won't be of any use to us as my boobs haven't fallen off yet I'm planning to breastfeed this baby the same way I did ds. I'd hate to think of you wasting your money, perhaps you can get a refund?" and then smile sweetly. I envision this happening as I'm on the way out of the door on my way to work, so there can't be a huge fallout, and then if she wants to make a scene about it she can.

She's upset me again today (why do I let her?!) by phoning dh and telling her that she's planning to bring a shepherd's pie up with her on Friday, so your stories of your grandmother really rang true for me, Tiktok, as it feels like she's saying, "You can't provide for my family. It's such a good job I'm here or you'd be screwed." Dh can't understand why I'm so upset about this, he thinks she's just trying to help but it feels like she's trying to muscle in on every aspect of my parenting and home life. I feel like throwing the fucking pie in her face! Yes, I know I have crazy pg hormones going on.

With the names thing, there was a list of about 6 names, 4 of which we weren't allowed to use (Rose - her own MIL's name, and also my middle name! Miranda - no idea what that's about - Jane and Hannah) and 2 which she would really like us to use (Samia - her best friend's name and Elizabeth - her middle name). I'm sooooo pissed off at her putting Rose on the list, I know she didn't get on with her MIL - and by all accounts she was a difficult lady - but ffs it's my middle name and I happen to quite like it! And if we were to use Elizabeth (which we won't) we would spell it the same way my mother spells it. And what the fuck makes her think I'd call my baby by her best friend's name ffs? Like I don't have any of my own friends to use as namesakes? Or my own family? Argh she drives me mental.

Miranda Rose for a girl then

I'm going to buy my baby this t-shirt and take a lovely picture of her to show MIL!

Rose Miranda. Cos she hates her MIL more than her DIL right?!

No no no. THIS!

I actually really like Miranda as a name for a girl! We won't use it - not because of her but because dh doesn't like it, particularly, and we already have a girl's name chosen! - but it's the fact that she thinks she can dictate to me that pisses me off spectacularly!