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Original poster

Really, unreasonably upset by MIL's Xmas present to me

193 replies

theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 09:08

I am pg with dc2, and MIL (for some mad reason) thought that a tin of powdered infant formula and a load of bottles would be a really nice Xmas present for me. Bearing in mind that a) I breastfed ds until he was 21 months and b) Powdered infant formula isn't suitable for babies under 12 weeks anyway, I'm struggling to see what she was trying to achieve with this "gift", other than trying to totally undermine my feeding choices. She specifically told me not to open it until I got home, which suggests she knew how upset I would be by it.

She's very anti-breastfeeding, and was utterly repulsed by my plan to tandem nurse. She keeps telling me to put ds onto formula (even though he's nearly 2! ) and every time he gets a slight sniffle she tries to claim it's because I've somehow managed to pass it on through my breastmilk (even though we're not feeding anymore!) - I've given up trying to explain how it works.

There's no point trying to talk to her about this, so poor old dh has borne the brunt of my ire - but i'm still really upset over it, irrationally so. I need to get over this!

OP posts:
SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 10:11

SD she would seriously cut herself out from her granson's life if you politely asked her to refrain from making comments about your choice of how you feed him?

Good God! If that is the case then I would cut away, seriously, as her 'control ishoos' will only move on and escalate to something else when you have finished bf.

If you are anything like me (probably not, you always sound very restrained on here), I would ignore, ignore, ignore all the time festering and simmering away with pent up rage and clever retorts until one day....

DIE DIE DIE that sort of event.

So with anything like this now (and I have a sane MIL) I do polite but firm bud nipping.

SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 10:12

LOLOL at Kif's list esp Woolworths vouchers hahahah

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:15

The Wooloworths vouchers would be very appropriate, seeing as she bought all ds' tat Xmas presents from there, so I can't even take them back!!

OP posts:
Quadrophenia · 29/12/2008 10:16

Oh dear that really is a stupid present, she clearly knows it will provoke a reaction, don't give her the satisfaction. Exp mum sent him a card to her son and his girlfriend my exmil deffo a contender in the stupido mil stakes.

bohemianbint · 29/12/2008 10:17

What a total beeatch. Rofl @kif's suggestions!

backalleysally · 29/12/2008 10:19

Suburban- Ive just looked at both your links thankyou

The first one I think says that powder isnt sterile like ready made formula and so should be made up with hot water (70 degrees)
in order to kill present bacteria. This fact has to be spelled out to people who would sometimes make feeds up with lukewarm water.

The second article is specific to NICU. Preterm babies where ever possible shouldnt be given formula of any kind. Its bad for the PREMATURE gut and is seen as a key cause of NEC in preterm infants.
I dont think this would apply to a healthy term baby.
I cant see anywhere that says powdered formula shouldnt be given to babies under 3 months.

I dont mean to be pedantic but lots of mums may be worrying out there beacause they are powdered formula feeding an under 12 week old.

Just to clarify my dd is 10 months and has never had formula....so im not pro formula or anything!

LittleJingleBellas · 29/12/2008 10:21

I would simply say to her "Your present isn't a christmas present is it, it's a comment on my feeding choices. I'm sorry you used christmas as a chance to make that comment, I think that's a nasty thing to do, but hey, that's your choice. Did you like mine?"

I don't think ignore, because with people like this it's often best to get these things out in the open. They thrive in an atmosphere of ignoring, not mentioning, etc. Calling a spade a spade is often something that makes them really cringe.

TisTheSeasonToBeSunny · 29/12/2008 10:22

Message withdrawn

LittleJingleBellas · 29/12/2008 10:23

Oh and next year you can print off a whole list of articles from KellyMom, the Ecologist etc. about the benefits of breastfeeding, and wrap them up for her.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:27

"Although E. sakazakii can cause illness in all age groups, infants (children

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 29/12/2008 10:28

Definately give it back, and say, thankyou but seeing as you will be BF there will be no need for it and perhaps she should donate it to the local baby unit. What a positively unpleasant woman.

I respect that not every woman wants to BF and that is fine, their choice. But to be ANTI BF is just astounding. My mother told me it wasn't natural and that i should put my DD on the bottle when she was born. I was having trouble with my milk coming through but thanks to the support from some wonderful midwives i was able to BF. I had to mix feed in the end because i was ill, but i actually found FF un natural and would make my DP do it. It just felt wrong.

The woman sounds like a nightmare, give the thing back to her and tell her exactly what you think. Is your DP equally as angry? Or, a bit like my DP does he not get it? My DP was so proud of my determination to BF, but he did question why i put myself through it. But i was unlucky and had problems due to ill health, but otherwise, why would anyone want to go to the hassle of FF and sterilising and making bottles in the middle of the night when you can just pop out a boob weird.

Beachcomber · 29/12/2008 10:28

I would be tempted to write a very polite thank you note along the lines of "thank you for such a generous gift and that you have donated it to a women's refuge or similar so that it can be of benefit to somebody whose need is greater than yours. Imply that MIL will no doubt be delighted to have performed such an act of charity'.

I agree she is acting like a child and you need to act the very firm adult but with cold undertones of don't fuck with me.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:30

I can't find the WHO article I want, Sally, which is annoying. There's a link to it at the bottom of the last article i linked to, but the page doesn't exist anymore. I wonder if that means the information has changed? It's certainly possible.

OP posts:
Beachcomber · 29/12/2008 10:32

I wouldn't just ignore it partly because I think this is what people like this bank on to get away with their unpleasant behaviour.

Also you need to nip this in the bud and let her know that her attitude is unacceptable, otherwise she will do something like this again IMO.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:33

LEM - i love this idea that bf-ing is somehow "unnatural" - can people who say this not see how mad it is!? Cause it's so much more natural to stick a teat made of silicone into your babies' mouth, and feed it with a modified milk from another animal?

OP posts:
backalleysally · 29/12/2008 10:34

Exactly Suburban- Powdered infant formula isnt sterile and needs to be made up to very specific instructions to make it safe.
Couldnt have said it better myself.

all this should defo be on the packaging!

Ignore your MIL she sounds like a witch

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:36

sally - unfortunately formula packaging is not the most...um...informative!

OP posts:
LittleJingleBellas · 29/12/2008 10:36

She will start going on about potty training, then school, then dating, etc. etc., if she is not put a stop to.

Lots of MILs are offensive about feeding; very few carry it quite this far.

LucyEllensmummy · 29/12/2008 10:37

I have read about this issue re the sterility of infant formula before. I think the risks are quite small, but there are risks nevertheless. I found out about this on MNet. No mw or hv EVER mentioned it to me, even though i had to mix feed from about three months, and there was no mention of this in the begining - this information needs to be more widely available.

bohemianbint · 29/12/2008 10:38

I'd be tempted to deal with it as well - she wants putting straight.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 10:38

Right - must go and get dressed, and laptop battery about to die, so will check up on this thread later!

OP posts:
StealthPoHoHoHo · 29/12/2008 10:38

I would definitely call her and either ask if she has the receipt or whether she knows anyone who'll use it, as obviously you won't be.
If she challenges you just say you assumed she must have mixed you up with someone else, as obviously she must realise you'd be bfing. Play the innocent.
Agree with whoever said a huge picture of you bfing for her wall

StealthPoHoHoHo · 29/12/2008 10:39

Definitely don't ignore it, as far as she's concerned then you will have seen the error of your ways!

SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 10:41

ooh yes a GIANT canvas of you tandem feeding for her next birthday present, just like that one there was a thread about ages ago, with your hair all spread out on the pillow and skin tight jeans on.

solidgoldstuffingballs · 29/12/2008 10:43

Oh that is annoying behaviour. I agree with the posters who say, donate it to a refuge/freecycle and treat her like a naughty toddler ie don't react.
But FWIW formula powder is not lethal to newborns - my DS was on it from about 4 days old and did fine.