Really, unreasonably upset by MIL's Xmas present to me

[theSuburbanDryad]

I am pg with dc2, and MIL (for some mad reason) thought that a tin of powdered infant formula and a load of bottles would be a really nice Xmas present for me. Bearing in mind that a) I breastfed ds until he was 21 months and b) Powdered infant formula isn't suitable for babies under 12 weeks anyway, I'm struggling to see what she was trying to achieve with this "gift", other than trying to totally undermine my feeding choices. She specifically told me not to open it until I got home, which suggests she knew how upset I would be by it.

She's very anti-breastfeeding, and was utterly repulsed by my plan to tandem nurse. She keeps telling me to put ds onto formula (even though he's nearly 2! ) and every time he gets a slight sniffle she tries to claim it's because I've somehow managed to pass it on through my breastmilk (even though we're not feeding anymore!) - I've given up trying to explain how it works.

There's no point trying to talk to her about this, so poor old dh has borne the brunt of my ire - but i'm still really upset over it, irrationally so. I need to get over this!

UD - she is a prat!! Haven't read whole of thread however if they are the back to nature bottles I will have them

I think she is weird, she is doing it for effect and has got the desired result from you. I would give her the milk back and sweetly say, 'oh I won't be needing this so you may as well get your money back'.

Don't bother explaining your feeding choices (again) to her - she is obv enjoying winding you up.

tiktok - it's certainly very typical of dh to run away rather than confront the root of the problem. He's a very non-confrontational person, and would - as you say - do anything for a quiet life!

Last time she fell out with us (anyone remember that? It was last year and I accidentally copied her in on an email to a friend which said words to the effect of "If she tells me to give my new baby cool boiled water one more time I'm going to punch her in the face!" ) she refused to talk to me but would still phone dh daily haranguing him for my behaviour and stressing him out to the point where he nearly lost his job over it. She also turned the rest of the family against us which really upset dh. And that was something which was my fault, so god only knows what she'd be like with this!

Wilkie - they are the cheap Boots ones with the latex teats, so I can't even use them for EBM!

I think that a dignified silence is the best response-don't get drawn in.

I agree with piscesmoon- a diginified silence is best. You're never going to change her views, and sending her a letter or trying to talk to her about it will probably only cause more trouble.

Nothing she says or does will stop you breastfeeding.

In some cases, anything for a quiet life.

The thing is though, I can sort of see her trying to interfere with all aspects of our lives from here on in.

For example, she has given us a list of girl's names we're not "allowed" to use. On the list is my middle name which I actually really like. I'm sooooo tempted to call dc2 by it, as a nickname just to piss her off, but at the same time I don't know if i can be arsed!

I remember the post about your mil from last year and all the hassle that came with it.

She's trying to wind you up. She's trying to hurt your feelings in a 'subtle' way that will only really get to you iykwim?

I wouldn't write a letter as it could be misunderstood and lead to a huge fallout.

I think you should just hand them all back to her and sweetly say 'Ever so sorry, wont be needing these as I plan to brestfeed again, just like I did with ds. It was very thoughtfull of you but clothes when the baby is born will suffice.'

Being nice and not reacting to her will wind her up more, she's looking to annoy you by the sounds of it. Rise above it. It's hard, but at least you can be the bigger person.

Absolutely right chatchchachristmasstar.

Why aren't you allowed to use those baby names?

belgo - 'anything for a quiet life' means the OP will face new versions of this unacceptable behaviour for years to come, and in ways which will become obvious to the dc.

I remember saying to my mum 'does grandma not like you very much, mummy?'...can't remember what precise incident sparked this, but she (grandma) was always making spiky little comments to us about mum which eventually we started to understand. She'd say things like 'of course you won't get as nice a lunch at home, will you, because your mummy isn't very good at cooking....that's why you come to grandma's for Saturday lunch, isn't it?' and 'why has your mother done your hair like that? Come here and I'll put it right.' My dad never said anything to her, nor did my grandfather, but it created a nasty atmosphere which was uncomfortable but which no doubt really pleased my grandma (the old witch).

Now I'm a grown up, I ask my mum, in wonderment, 'why did no one say anything to grandma?' and she just shrugs and says my dad (her only child) and my grandfather were too scared.

on the names thing I would just laugh and say "LOL you seem to have forgotten that as the baby's parents, WE get to choose the name"

what would happen with the bottle thing if you returned them to her saying "thanks for thinking of me, but I think you must be confused...I'll be breastfeeding the new baby, like I did ds, so I won't need these. Would you like to see if you can return them, or shall I give them to someone who is formula feeding?"

I agree with MrsJamin, you should give it back and give her the chance to get her money back whilst standing your ground on your feeding choice

If you dont stand up to her it will only eat away at you

Good luck xxx

The point about a letter is that it can't be misreported or exagerrated to other family members - the wording is there, cordial and pleasant and clear.

theSuburbanDryad, the list of names is ridiculous. No one sensible would think this is in any way acceptable behaviour. It's not funny, it's just controlling and nasty.

i wouldn't put up with this. I would just not see her anymore.

i don't put up with nasty IRL, i don't give a shit who they are, mum, nan, uncle, employer, dh.

seriously, i would make plans to not see her. if your dh wants to - fine, if he wants to remember birthdays fine, if he wants to take the kids, fine.

but life is strained enough without that shit.

Jees, these mil threads scare the crap out of me. Hard to believe there are actually people, or should I say adults that behave like this.

You pick whatever name you like, and think quiet thoughts about ramming that list up her bum. Very rude of her, whatever name you pick will be beautiful and it will be your choice.

Hard as it may be, please try and ignore her. Don't let somebody like her upset and stress you out.

The name thing fascinates me, I'm quite interested to know what names she's vetoed!

Tittok, it is a very difficult situation to know exactly how to handle.

On the one hand, doing nothing and maintaining a diginifed silence could cause her behaviour to get worse and more controlling. Or it could make her realise she's not going to get a reaction and she will give up.

Doing something such as writing a letter could help, or it could cause all out war. It depends on how strong the mil's personality is - is she someone who is likely to back down easily?

at the list of girls names. Is this woman for real?

Good Grief.

The other thing with a letter (plus everything that tictok has said) is that it is a physical thing, it's a 'here is the line'. She can choose what she does with the line but it's useful for you (and your DH) to have done SD, a turning over new leaf moment.

Several years ago I wrote my parents a polite but firm letter about some elements of their behaviour. It was extremely helpful and helped us all move on from going round and round and round in little circles of anger.

Really sorry to hear about this OP.

We recently wrote a very pleasant (but firm letter) to my ils, signed from me and dh. It was different circumstances to this but basically addressing their (well mil's desire) to control us in many ways.

We had tried the ignore her and she might go away approach, and visits were fairly short and superficially pleasant.

I won't go into all the ins and outs but basically she was unhappy with some choices we had made, and in an attempt to get her own way started to slam the phone down and be quite abusive to dh.

It's up to you if you write a letter, I don't regret it that we did, but don't pin your hopes on her even acknowledging it. Ours was read (I imagine) but never acknowledged. She continued to behave badly until Boxing Day, then recovered herself when extended family visited.

Agree fully with slubs the bit about drawing the line so they know where it is. Yes, in our case the letter was more for our benefit.

It was driving me crackers that they always had their say but would not listen to us. They just started ranting/slamming phone down/going all cold and distant.

UD - the name thing is intriguing me too. More info please, what names are on it, why has she given you a list in the first place and why did you not ram it back down her throat immediately?

Please supply information

People like this (my mother can be a bit like this) need to be told in polite but no uncertain terms to stop their unacceptable behaviour.

Tiktok is right that you need to do it in a way that preempts any attempt on her part to make you and your DH out to be the bad ones/cutting her off/etc.

I also think that whilst this is about her issues with feeding it is more to do with respect and control. She will carry on doing this sort of thing if you don't pull her up on it now and each time she tries to do something similar.

Mad witch! I tend to think that you must say something or write a letter, letting it go is letting her get away with this behaviour - she will just carry on. This was clearly not in any way meant to be a "present" for you, but an extremely rude and inappropriate comment on your feeding choices for your baby.

She's given you a list of names you are not allowed to use

Are you not tempted to use some of them? What are they and why is she against them?? She's bonkers isn't she!

Give it to your local health clinic and then rise above it. She sounds stubborn and arrogant.

I can't believe the attitudes of some women of that age! what do they think breasts are for??? page 3??

You can't reason with her so don't wear yourself out trying.

belgo, I do understand the appeal of the 'dignified silence' which is a way of saying 'whatever you say has no effect' in an attempt to get her to stop.

It's an interesting discussion I don't think the dignified silence actually is a sign of 'no effect' and in my experience it deffo does not make the bad behaviour stop! It moves on to the children, who do understand and who do become upset and confused and who really can't fight back or in defence of their mum!

'A quiet life', 'not rocking the boat', 'not making things worse', 'oh, you know what's she's like' and so on and on - they're all ways of dodging confrontation and the perpetrator of the behaviour reigns supreme.

I may be wrong in this situation, of course, and only tSD can decide.

I've just noticed my typo in your name tiktok