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Original poster

Really, unreasonably upset by MIL's Xmas present to me

193 replies

theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 09:08

I am pg with dc2, and MIL (for some mad reason) thought that a tin of powdered infant formula and a load of bottles would be a really nice Xmas present for me. Bearing in mind that a) I breastfed ds until he was 21 months and b) Powdered infant formula isn't suitable for babies under 12 weeks anyway, I'm struggling to see what she was trying to achieve with this "gift", other than trying to totally undermine my feeding choices. She specifically told me not to open it until I got home, which suggests she knew how upset I would be by it.

She's very anti-breastfeeding, and was utterly repulsed by my plan to tandem nurse. She keeps telling me to put ds onto formula (even though he's nearly 2! ) and every time he gets a slight sniffle she tries to claim it's because I've somehow managed to pass it on through my breastmilk (even though we're not feeding anymore!) - I've given up trying to explain how it works.

There's no point trying to talk to her about this, so poor old dh has borne the brunt of my ire - but i'm still really upset over it, irrationally so. I need to get over this!

OP posts:
Aitch · 29/12/2008 10:44

totlly agree with littlebella, you should say something.

LucyEllensmummy · 29/12/2008 10:45

I am with the others who think this shouldnt be ignored. This woman either a) doesn't like you (and that being the case, who gives a fuck if she never speaks to you again) or b) Feels so strongly about FF that she is willing to jeopardise her relationship with her grandchildren to make a point.

I would, as politely as I could, ask her what she thought she was going to achieve with her present? Tell her that you are puzzled by it, don't say you are hurt, as to be honest, i would just be angry and incredulous at the womans stupidity. You then have to tell her that, you respect that she would FF if it were her child, but its not, its yours and she needs to very definately butt out. This of course will be difficult to achieve without causing an upset but if you are clever you can so be the bigger person here and say things like that "i am sorry that my choices upset you" and then arm her with the information that will prove to any normal sane person that breast is best END OF. In an effort to help her understand - either you will change her mind and thats all good, or you will totally humilliate and make her feel stupid (because she IS being stupid) and you get to have the moral high ground whilst doing it - its a winner either way.

StealthPoHoHoHo · 29/12/2008 10:45

but solidgold, do you not think the MIL will then just think her point has been made?

tiktok · 29/12/2008 10:49

The only ethical way of dealing with this is to send it back to MIL and suggest she gets a refund. You can't freecycle it and you can't donate it - at least not if you are trying to behave ethically. I know the WHO code applies to institutions and healthcare professionals and their formula distribution guidance is for governments and NGOs rather than private individuals, but the principles of it can apply everywhere. If you donate formula to a mother, you should commit to donating it for 12 months, for instance.

I think the idea of giving formula and bottles as a Christmas present is incredibly rude - clearly pre-meditated as such ('cos she told you to open it at home). The fact you know her strong feelings about bf and tandem feeding speaks volumes - how rude to make these clear to you instead of keeping them to herself.

I don't think it is irrational to be upset about it. This is really less to do with feeding choices, and more to do with a disrespectful way of treating you and your parenting decisions.

If you think she would actually distance herself from your ds in response to a cordial note from you, then that shows how shallow her feelings for ds must be, surely?

You have another 20 years or so of this treatment, unless you state your position clearly and politely. There are many, many ways she will undermine you in the future - potty training, behaviour issues, school choices, dress codes etc etc etc, and when your dc become a little more aware they will pick up on this, and you cannot continue to hide her bad behaviour...and why should you?

Both you and dh should write the letter with the return of the present. You can also follow it up with a phone call, and on both occasions, state explicitly that you are happy to have a normal, friendly relationship with them but that this does not include comments on your parenting choices.

Where is FIL in this, BTW?

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 10:54

If anyone had said/done something that utterly stupid i would have had to have said something

What an arse!!!

Letting her away with shit like that will only let her think she can get away with bigger and more stupid stuff IMO.

I think your DH should say something maybe. Please don't let her do this. She sounds truly awful.

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 10:55

I would also be worried about what crap she would be saying to my ds tbh.

She will get worse

bohemianbint · 29/12/2008 10:56

I actually don't always ignore bad behaviour in toddlers either. If DS does something unacceptable I tell him. Not all bad behaviour is a phase that they will outgrow, they need to be taught. IMO, of course.

BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 29/12/2008 10:57

Actually, I have been thinking about this.

I would leave them out on the side in your kitchen, some where prominent that you can afford to lose the space. IYKWIM

Then if she passes any comment on the fact that you are not using them, say oh but I will, but first I have to wait for hell to freeze over my breasts to drop off.

heather1980 · 29/12/2008 10:57

you might not be able to take it back. i work for tesco and infant formula is excluded from our refund policy. i think it's to do with tampering with the stuff

StealthPoHoHoHo · 29/12/2008 11:05

her problem, not the OPs

StealthPoHoHoHo · 29/12/2008 11:06

but yes, I had wondered that

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 11:16

I am fairly sure that you can't take infant formula for a refund. But, as you say, her problem, not mine!

Tiktok - I hadn't thought about the ethics of it, perhaps I should commit MIL to donating formula for 12 months to a woman's refuge, seeing as she loves the stuff so much! FIL is totally non-committal in all this, and totally non-involved, but I know he loves ds to bits and is very excited about a new dgc, so it would be a shame for him to lose out on all that IYSWIM.

MIL is beyond passive aggressive - this behaviour is the latest in a long line of "bad" stuff, I had about 4 threads going at one point! I've been speaking to dh about it just now and he has agreed to speak to her about it, but I think writing a letter might be better, because dh (bless him) is not the most eloquent of speakers - especially when it comes to standing up to his mother.

OP posts:
ruty · 29/12/2008 11:18

she's an utter nutter. How horrible for you. I admire your self restraint in not screaming 'you ignorant mad calculating old cow' at her once.

SwedesInADirtyMacAndSunglasses · 29/12/2008 11:19

Buy her some Tampax for her birthday.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 11:19

Also, what the hell makes her think that (if I wanted formula) I couldn't buy it for myself?!?! We don't exactly live in some sort of remote hamlet, there's a 24 hour garage at the bottom of my road which sells cartons of formula at all hours of the day and night. Not to mention the Tescos which is less than 20 minutes' drive away.

She's really nuts, isn't she? Dh thinks she might be suffering with early onset Alzheimers.

OP posts:
Tinker · 29/12/2008 11:22

Ouch, that's a nasty dig. Agree re throw/give it away. But why would this have been a present for you anyway?

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 11:24

Tinker - she did make it clear that it was for the baby, but as I'm due soon-ish (end of Feb) I didn't think it was that unusual and just assumed it was a(nother) inappropriate toy to go with the masses of inappropriate toys she'd bought for ds.

My mother had made the new baby a lovely cardigan, so I didn't think it was unusual that MIL would want to give me a present for the baby too IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Tinker · 29/12/2008 11:26

Ah, ok, fair enough. Hadn't read the whole of the thread.

SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 11:27

She may be nuts, or she may just be horribly horribly rude and mean and controlling, either way I think a 'present' that is entirely aimed as a critisism and/or a shit stirrer needs to be addressed rather than ignored.

tictok's post is fabulous and I agree letter must be from you and dh (united front and all that)

SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 11:28

I am also having issues with critisism HOW do you spell it, it looks all wrong

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 29/12/2008 11:28

I know it's "unethical" to donate it

goldFAQinsenceandmyrrh · 29/12/2008 11:29

oh and agree she sounds totally bonkers and think you definitely need to confront her in some way.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 29/12/2008 11:30

Slubber - criticism.

OP posts:
SlubberdegullionMitSpeck · 29/12/2008 11:46

aha yes of course

ta

tiktok · 29/12/2008 11:50

She may or may not be suffering early dementia, but if this behaviour is not new, then this explanation is less likely.

I do rather suspect this is your dh getting out of confronting his mum about her appalling rudeness...what do you think?

The fact FIL is a pussycat is typical - he has learnt 'anything for an easy life' and your dh has followed suit.

There is no need for you to be anything but cordial in your joint letter and you don't need to say anything distressing or hurtful. Just say her behaviour was unacceptable and you won't tolerate it in the future, and that you both agree on this...and happy new year, and you look forward to intro'ing the new baby to them blah blah blah. You need to anticipate her making a massive fuss and saying you have cut her out of your lives and made it clear she isn't welcome yadda yadda....