Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

394 replies

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

OP posts:
bafta16 · 27/09/2026 13:59

Have you seen the scene from East is East where she opens a packet of biscuits and shouts "Dinner's ready"

Lalgarh · 27/09/2026 14:01

Honestly just go in holiday. Have they ever bothered to cook for you?

Maray1967 · 27/09/2026 14:02

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 15:04

So plan is:
A phone call to the kids
What to i buy for them to cook. Vegetables are safe.
I will buy.
They will cook.
I will go to Mass with the old fella and the dog on Christmas morning.
I expect Baileys and mince pies when we get back.
My husband will cook the meat.
They can do the rest.

I'm calmer now. 😍

Sounds like a plan, DS’s GF is veggie but we get the M&S veggie wellington which she loves and it goes on the oven when the turkey is out, and I do veggie stuffing and gravy for her. But yours sounds like a nightmare - there’s no way I’d be trying to deal with that on my own.

Oxo01 · 27/09/2026 14:18

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 15:04

So plan is:
A phone call to the kids
What to i buy for them to cook. Vegetables are safe.
I will buy.
They will cook.
I will go to Mass with the old fella and the dog on Christmas morning.
I expect Baileys and mince pies when we get back.
My husband will cook the meat.
They can do the rest.

I'm calmer now. 😍

Agree
But if they dont go with your suggestion/plan just say as
@ Tel12 said
And you have decided to have a quiet Xmas just the two of you for a change.

Original poster
ThisWiseRobin · 27/09/2026 14:19

Hello everyone
Sorry I tried to sort of end the thread a while back by saying thanks and goodbye but some of you have kindly continued to give me tips.
So to wrap up
A. Don't be a doormat
B. Phone them and explain how it will be.
C. Let them cook for themselves
D. Hubby will cook the meat the night before.
E. Picky bits like a buffet style
F. Ask Santa for a backbone ( that one hurt)
G. Remember all those less fortunate
H. Next year plan a holiday ( ask Santa for this as well).
I. Don't be a dramatic martyr ( yup that hurt too).
J. Put my sadness over my own childhood Christmasses aside. Nothing I can do now .
K. Thank all the lovely MN girlies who helped me and use AI at times for help.
I'm really going now. Chat among yourselves
:-)

OP posts:
Loverurarliving01 · 27/09/2026 14:23

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

That is a ridiculous amount of rules to follow when cooking for them.

You said they are well-off, so they could hire a chef or look into a food company that can prepare and deliver meals. They could have fresh food delivered on the day or have meals prepared and stored in the freezer beforehand. It should be delivered to your adress. That way, you wouldn’t need to cook; you would only need to heat the food up. They can also order whatever they want, and they wouldn’t have to carry food on the train.

We did this once for Easter when, for personal reasons, I couldn’t prepare the Easter feast. We had everything delivered (also plenty of options to choose non-alcoholic drinks, vegan desserts, biscuits, etc.). We eat organic, so we had everything delivered from an organic farm. The food was frozen so we just had to preheat it.

FrogsAtDawn · 27/09/2026 14:26

That’s not veganism, that sounds like an obsessive health thing or allergies. They keep coming back every year so clearly it’s not that bad. Just don’t put as much effort into it, or tell them to arrive early and go to the shops so they can get what they want.

ChilliBassy · 27/09/2026 14:33

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Make Christmas dinner how you would like it in your own home. Life is too short to be pandering so much to your adult children! Roast them some veg and tell them that's their lot; they eat it, or they starve. Advise them to bring whatever they want as a main with vegetables and if they are incapable of indepdently sorting themselves out, that's a them problem. Stop enabling them to walk all over you. You're the parent! Put yoir foot down and teach them how ungrateful and spiteful they are, because nobody else is going to teach them.

You've got this, mum!

Therescathairinmybath · 27/09/2026 14:33

Do your children have no arms or other physical disability? Of course you should ask your children (especially your son) to bring his own food! If he doesn’t eat meat, fish, eggs, dairy, mushrooms, nuts, flour or garlic what the hell does he eat apart from raw veg or fruit? It sounds more like an eating disorder than being vegan. One of my DC is vegan and this is nothing like a normal vegan diet.

Also, why did you wait for your food to go cold when your DS was so rude by continuing a call as the meal was served. You should have all started eating. Being polite, your son sounds difficult and selfish.

WhyIsThereGlitterEverywhere · 27/09/2026 14:34

This sounds awful. Find a reason to stop hosting.

welshmercury · 27/09/2026 14:34

ThisWiseRobin · 27/09/2026 14:19

Hello everyone
Sorry I tried to sort of end the thread a while back by saying thanks and goodbye but some of you have kindly continued to give me tips.
So to wrap up
A. Don't be a doormat
B. Phone them and explain how it will be.
C. Let them cook for themselves
D. Hubby will cook the meat the night before.
E. Picky bits like a buffet style
F. Ask Santa for a backbone ( that one hurt)
G. Remember all those less fortunate
H. Next year plan a holiday ( ask Santa for this as well).
I. Don't be a dramatic martyr ( yup that hurt too).
J. Put my sadness over my own childhood Christmasses aside. Nothing I can do now .
K. Thank all the lovely MN girlies who helped me and use AI at times for help.
I'm really going now. Chat among yourselves
:-)

But I need to know if you have contacted them and set out how it’s going to be on Christmas? Come back on Boxing Day and tell us what happened

LowAndSlow · 27/09/2026 14:36

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 26/09/2026 14:02

Ok you tried outside catering being bought in, but id start now and see if any local restaurants do a decent Christmas dinner and offer vegan options that don’t include garlic. Go out for the main meal, book a sainsburys /M&S /waitrose delivery , get stuff from the picky bits ranges that are marked suitable for vegans. Perhaps email them the link “I’m doing a Christmas delivery from M&S, please pick 3 things you like the look of to go on the Christmas Eve buffet.”

I do understand you want to do the big feast thing, but it sounds like they don’t enjoy feast meals, food is an endurance rather than a joy for them. Therefore take the emotion out of it by going low effort, I guarantee that vegans with a long list of flavour dislikes won’t appreciate huge effort made and really won’t be disappointed with shop bought, “bung in the oven canapés” or restaurant food as long as there’s no triggers in it. They just need acceptable fuel not joyful food. Focus on spending time with your DCs not the food.

Not only are they vegan but they don't eat alliums: onions,garlic,chives and leeks ; they also will not eat flour( gluten),nuts,alcohol and plants from the nightshade family which includes potatoes, tomatoes, aubergine, peppers and chillies and okra. Good luck in finding a supermarket or caterer that can tick all those boxes

MinnieM101 · 27/09/2026 14:39

Tell them Thanks but NO Thanks . Not this year , tell them you have booked cruise and book one . Or you will go to them

8misskitty8 · 27/09/2026 14:42

Swissmeringue · 26/09/2026 13:53

I see three options for messages to your children;

  1. we've booked a trip for Christmas, let's all have a lovely get together at one of your houses before/after

  2. dad and I are getting on a bit and can't cope with the hosting anymore. Who would like to take over?

  3. Many of you are incredibly picky, I spent ages shopping for, preparing and cooking food that you rejected with a sniff. It was rude, dismissive and I don't feel like hosting is sustainable in this manner. What do you suggest as an alternative?

These people are older than me, stop babying them, there's no need!

These are your options.

We take turns over Christmas, boxing day, new year , 2nd January.
We go to inlaws one of the days and my parents one of the days. Then we host a day each for a set of parents.
We switch it up every year.

OctoberMists · 27/09/2026 14:42

Anywhere doing vegan christmas dinner bookings in your area?

Quick google tells me there are four locations in our area that do them.

M&S meals or cook or as PP says anywhere that will do meals with speific requirments you could then heat up?

but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.

Google tells me that is - Tomatoes, Potatoes though not sweet potatoes, which I had heard of and aubergines, Bell peppers, chili peppers, jalapeños, and tomatillos and even spices: Paprika, cayenne pepper, and chili powder derived from nightshade peppers which I had not.

I do not think I could cook for someone with such a list TBH - and would be asking what they could eat and recipies for that or for them to bring food.

As for the topics if trying to change the subject does not work - I would try a gentle you are being very rude now or a sharp that is enough now - being blunt makes it very clear to stop.

Christmas Vegan Dinner For 2

A vegan Christmas dinner with all the trimmings: Butternut Squash, Leek & Beetroot Wellington; roast potatoes; carrots; parsnips; sprouts and Winter Vegetable gravy. Ready in 1 hr 30 mins.

https://www.cookfood.net/products/vegan-dinner-for-2

Netcurtainnelly · 27/09/2026 14:45

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Of course your not the only one who hates Christmas. To me it's the yearly bore but it has to be endured so that we can get on the way to Spring

PensionedCruiser · 27/09/2026 14:48

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 15:04

So plan is:
A phone call to the kids
What to i buy for them to cook. Vegetables are safe.
I will buy.
They will cook.
I will go to Mass with the old fella and the dog on Christmas morning.
I expect Baileys and mince pies when we get back.
My husband will cook the meat.
They can do the rest.

I'm calmer now. 😍

A great plan @ThisWiseRobin, well done!

I think most of the pressure you are experiencing comes from meeting everyone's expectations on one special day. Many people forget that, traditionally, Christmas is 12 days and the 25th of December is just the first - these days, everything fun tends to happen before Christmas day and it becomes the grand finale.

I have been a church musician from an early age and frankly, the build up to Christmas is always the busiest - extra practices/rehearsals/concerts and then all the services Christmas Eve and Christmas day (not to mention if Boxing Day or the day before Christmas Eve happen to be Sundays). Usually, by the end of work on Christmas Day, I'm knackered.

So in our house, even with the entire extended family there, Christmas dinner is always a cold buffet (pretty fancy with a whole poached salmon), but most of the effort is done over a few days (thank goodness for fridges).

It is during the days after Christmas that we do the traditional turkey/goose with all the trimmings and we make a big effort for 12th night - especially if it's a Friday or Saturday (or we transfer it to a weekend).

That model takes the pressure off the 'one perfect day' that we're constantly being sold by food manufacturers/advertisers and magazines. Your DH can have his traditional dinner (invite friends if family have gone) pottering around to his heart's delight in the kitchen, you can do vegan for one day and mixed vegan/meat for another. Leave the decorations up - in our house, the tree and lights stay up until February 2nd to give us a lift over the dark January. We enjoy them when we're alone.

When we had small children, DH and I used to say that we felt our Christmas began on the 26th - and we enjoyed it. For us, Christmas is not just a day but a season and we love it ♥️

placemats · 27/09/2026 14:48

My late parents went to the Canary Islands for Christmas one year without telling any of their children. I wasn't going to visit them anyway but I rang the house on Christmas day and Boxing day and there was no answer. Their postcard arrived the day after Boxing day. I was in my 30s and they were in their 60s.

JontyGentooey · 27/09/2026 14:53

I'm sure a lot of people downsize from their family homes into a nice bungalow/flat partly to escape the incessant Christmas hosting, tbh.

Mid forties is too old to still be descending on your parents every year. If they're all high earners they can afford to rent a nice big Airbnb somewhere and you all go there for a change. And they cook!

SouthernComforter · 27/09/2026 15:08

My brother (45, married but no kids) and his wife turn up to stay with my parents every year from the Channel Islands. Because my parents are 80, live close to me and have downsized, they now all come to my house. There's barely even a conversation about it. If I were to start a conversation about it, I'd probably be accused of being the difficult one. It sucks, I understand how you feel.
I would either downgrade Christmas (meet them somewhere on Christmas Eve for a few hours), go out for lunch, or go away. Just for this year. So much depends on matriarchal compromise. Maybe you just need a year off!

Arcticbattle32 · 27/09/2026 15:13

Oh goodness poor you! Sounds hideous. Time for them to start hosting you!! And if not - as other have said, book a trip next year - Maldives??

caringcarer · 27/09/2026 15:15

When they ring you to say we are coming to you at Xmas just say oh we booked a holiday this year so I don't have to cook at all. Then book one.

Notasbigasithink · 27/09/2026 15:30

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

It's your Christmas to enjoy too remember! I don't want to sound cold hearted but you might not have many more left to enjoy!
Tell them what is on the menu and if they want anything else then its either tough shite or they bring their own.
And WTAF is wrong with garlic/onions?!

Willyoushutthefrontdoor · 27/09/2026 15:37

We love all our kids. 4 of them age 19-29 and 1 GD (parents about to separate) and every year there is panic, a late dinner and always an argument. 2 of them have fallen out this year also. We really feel like packing up with the 3 dogs and pissing off quite frankly! See them before and after.

Failing that I agree with getting them to order a food shop to your house

CrunchieOrWispa · 27/09/2026 15:43

Who makes an £80 salad?