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Original poster

Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

394 replies

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

OP posts:
ThreeMogsAndCounting · 27/09/2026 18:11

Im alone with my tween and young teen. We're all rabid carnivores. Can we c9me to yours? We'll help with the prep, eat anything and everything and willboth wear the paper hats and enjoy the dreadful cracker jokes.

I'm dreading trying to find the time and energy to magic christmas up out of nowhere on top of functioning!

hcee19 · 27/09/2026 18:11

Why does everyone come to you every year? Propose that it would be a nice change for you to be waited on for a change. I am not surprised the whole thing stresses you out, it would me too. Could you book a restaurant, that could cater for everyone's needs?

Marieb19 · 27/09/2026 18:11

WhatNextImScared · 26/09/2026 15:00

I disagree with most posters.

I am in my forties with two young children - with allergies and autism (sensory difficulties) between them.

Cooking/eating as a family is fucking hard work. It’s hard work every single day of the year. I just would like another member of the family to help share that and support me with it, but the fuss they make is a nightmare to deal with. I feel echoes of this in your story.

An example. Recently I let my mother make a birthday cake and she screwed up. It as the closest we’ve had to delivering an epi pen yet and my 8yo was so frightened by the reaction she suffered that she stopped eating food cooked by anyone but me for a while. Even after watching her granddaughter swell up like a trout, I still get all the aggro about dietary requirements from my family.

Yes allergies are different, in that they are a danger; but are they really? It’s still only about listening and caring about your family’s needs.

It is what is it. You either love them for who they are with their differences and challenges or you don’t. If you make it feel like they are a problem to you, they will soon start to believe it.

So, your options are:

  1. book a holiday and don’t see them over Xmas. This is fine, by the way. It might suit everyone better?
  2. Invite them but then actually be accommodating and respectful to their needs, and don’t treat them as whims/optional/a fad. If you need to ask lots of questions to do this, that’s fine. I promise they won’t mind. Be inquisitive.

Actually, allergies are different but the plethora of dietary requirements in the OPs post are purely self inflicted. It is appalling that guests (especially family) make an occasion so uncomfortable for the host that they are pleased to see you leave.
Please book to go away on a holiday thus Christmas and they may just start to appreciate how much you do for them.

FunLilacBear · 27/09/2026 18:22

My Mum passed away earlier this year, in her 60's and I'm still in my 30's. I'm dreading Christmas as it's the first one without my Mum. I'm sorry your children are making it difficult for you to host. I think they should be grateful that you're opening your home for them and want to have them there. As others have said, suggest they host or order the food they like.

Phoenixfire1988 · 27/09/2026 18:25

Why are you pussyfooting around 40 year old adults , my children would of been told last time I wouldn't be hosting again ,since they're so ungrateful they can cook theyre own damn meal from now on .

5128gap · 27/09/2026 18:36

"Family, you are all very welcome home for Christmas. But, the Christmas catering needs a rethink. Dad and I struggled last year to get it right for everyone. So, suggestions as to how we can all do it differently, and who's going to do what this year please."

LoftyPlumLion · 27/09/2026 18:42

To be fair, your first line said you are dreading Xmas and hope you're not alone implied you hoped other people have a crap Christmas coming up which isn't a great thing, however

If they are great kids, and I have no reason to believe they aren't you can say how unhappy you have been on previous Christmases due to ungrateful reactions to food.

Options

  1. You host, they cook.
  2. You all find a restaurant you can agree on, although maybe leaving it a little late
  3. You get everything from a packet
  4. You stop hosting

They are grown ups. They will deal with it.

Cadeaukatze · 27/09/2026 18:42

I like the holiday idea.

But otherwise, yes, send them a message saying you are having a turkey dinner, so they need to bring/arrange delivery of a vegan option they will eat. They can have the same vegetables as anyone else and it's not hard to make a vegan gravy for them.

Any pushback - go back to the holiday idea. As pps have said, they are in their 40s and it's time they grew up. If they have good jobs and earn well, they are presumably perfectly capable people

As for the person without a filter - you should stay off religion and politics anyway and that's what I'd say if they brings it up. "No Madeleine, we don't discuss religion or politics in this house" and change the subject. And repeat.

Cadeaukatze · 27/09/2026 18:44

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 15:06

This is really kind but I suspect that these recipes will contain onion, garlic, or nuts, gluten or some alcholhol.

Show quote history

I think the idea is that they interrogate the ingredients and do the work of finding something they will eat.

But it sounds like you have a plan anyway.

Itsthewoluff · 27/09/2026 18:57

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 17:14

That's a bit unkind

Show quote history

But true really.
A normal reaction would be a deep sigh and “well you don’t need to eat it then”. The fact you threw it in the bin does indicate that some therapy would be beneficial.

MMUmum · 27/09/2026 19:12

ThisWiseRobin · 26/09/2026 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Give them a bowl.of plain green salad, tell them you are out of ideas, hopefully they won't be back again for Christmas.

Twilight7777 · 27/09/2026 19:13

id tell them to book a restaurant and that dinner is going to be split by couples, and any politics or opinions made you have to pay £10 per comment

cucumber4745 · 27/09/2026 19:28

You know what, I have no advise but when I started reading I expected it go another way… I dread vegans too 😂 there is nothing worse than hosting a vegan

ragandbonewoman · 27/09/2026 19:31

This sounds so ridiculous! And most of what mention has nothing at all to do with being vegan, which can be easily sorted with an M&S Christmas food order. Your children sound very selfish and entitled, in your position I’d be booking myself and husband a lovely cruise over Christmas

Sillyname63 · 27/09/2026 19:34

I have a "friend" whose DH says he doesn't like garlic & onions but will happily eat an Indian curry from the takeway, when I said that has loads of it in , you get stupid excuses like the flavour is strong so he can't taste it, yes but it is still there!! Afternoon tea was mentioned the other day by another friend , no he won't go because of onion and garlic? I said it is sandwiches , sausage rolls and cakes not normally known for onion or garlic🙄I
I would either go away or say you will go to them for a change.

Mapletree1985 · 27/09/2026 19:51

You dread it?

My family and I cook something nice that we all like and spend the day doing whatever we fancy. I give them socks and they give me a book or something. That's it, that's the whole of Christmas. It's so simple. We haven't even had a tree in I don't know how long.

ETA: Vegan cooking can be really interesting and satisfying. Why not start looking up some recipes and pick the ones that sound the most delicious?

Chagalaga23 · 27/09/2026 19:57

I would definitely not do any of this again.
I would offer to take them out for a meal where they can be miserable. But eat vegan.
Or say you can't entertain them this year but would love to go to one of theirs.
Or leave the country, meet up afterwards.
I'd probably go for the last option, where your lovely dh can have a good Christmas roast, you too if that's what you like, and your kids can be miserable where they are.
Btw, I agree with the op who say you need to draw a line with your DC. I wouldn't put up with this from mine!

seahorsessky · 27/09/2026 20:02

Just to say, I hadn't heard of the nightshade thing but apparently it's fairly common (and more so post menopause), and people can't help their needs, but book meals out, or let them arrive early, and go to the shop and cook.

Worriednanof1 · 27/09/2026 20:04

cucumber4745 · 27/09/2026 19:28

You know what, I have no advise but when I started reading I expected it go another way… I dread vegans too 😂 there is nothing worse than hosting a vegan

But this isn't about them being vegans. It really isn't that hard to avoid eating animals & animal products.

eggandonion · 27/09/2026 20:07

If there is a religious aspect to the very restrictive diet...Jain for example...why would that person be having a special meal at Christmas?
Take yourselves out for a traditional Christmas dinner a few days beforehand and let the offspring organise a Christmas Day buffet.
Then have a mini Christmas once they have gone away. With a lot of liqueur chocolates.

quintessentially166 · 27/09/2026 20:08

simply don’t do it; tell one of them it’s their turn to host or go on holiday and sod the lot of them

SquirrelGG · 27/09/2026 20:52

Mapletree1985 · 27/09/2026 19:51

You dread it?

My family and I cook something nice that we all like and spend the day doing whatever we fancy. I give them socks and they give me a book or something. That's it, that's the whole of Christmas. It's so simple. We haven't even had a tree in I don't know how long.

ETA: Vegan cooking can be really interesting and satisfying. Why not start looking up some recipes and pick the ones that sound the most delicious?

Edited

Did you actually even read OP's post???

Zerosleep · 27/09/2026 21:00

Going to be honest, I would be doing one of two things. Either book a restaurant that provides vegan options and eat out on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, or go away for a holiday over the Christmas period and enjoy yourselves. That just sounds like a bloody nightmare, and to be honest I wouldn’t be up for it either.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 27/09/2026 21:05

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

What the hell. Did I just read.

Such an ungrateful bastard! I would have tipped it on his lap.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · 27/09/2026 21:06

Mapletree1985 · 27/09/2026 19:51

You dread it?

My family and I cook something nice that we all like and spend the day doing whatever we fancy. I give them socks and they give me a book or something. That's it, that's the whole of Christmas. It's so simple. We haven't even had a tree in I don't know how long.

ETA: Vegan cooking can be really interesting and satisfying. Why not start looking up some recipes and pick the ones that sound the most delicious?

Edited

tell us you didn’t really read the thread without telling us you didn’t really read the thread 😅