Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

I am cross with your grown ups on your behalf this is going to be the first Christmas without my mum and to spend one more with her I would eat offal if I had to and I am vegan!

I like a lot of vegan food....but it usually has onions or garlic or tomatoes in it.

Send a combination of these 3!

In the nicest way my mammy and daddy would laugh in my face if I expected them to cater to me like this. Genuinely I think my mammy would actually send me to meet the lord before my time if I ever tried to treat them this way.

Tell them to piss off or suggest going out for a Christmas dinner!

You are being an absolute martyr to it, just say its too much for you both so youre having a quite Christmas alone, too much hassle with different diets. Tell them straight stop pussyfooting around after them

There’s catering for people’s needs and then there are people just being too demanding and offering no assistance.

Totally agree with this statement OP.

Their requirements have left you with really nowhere to go in terms of catering.

I do think spending Christmases together is important, so I'm less inclined to suggest you jetting off somewhere, but maybe just say something like

"I'm cooking X,Y and Z. Really looking forward to seeing you all. If you require something that I have not catered for, feel free to bring it, we won't be offended and can provide fridge space and oven facilities for it. But I have simply found the corner you have wedged me into with food requirements is too tight for me to manoeuvre in."

I think sometimes people go down these rabbit holes and don't realise how niche they have become.

Be welcoming, be accommodating, but also be honest.

Arrange for them to do the Christmas delivery to your house if they have to come to you again. Also they can do the cooking.

Problem solved.

Also Op, it won't just be you who is exasperated by these food requirements. They need to know when it is becoming an issue, and who is going to tell them if you feel you can't?

You don't need to be upset or angry or emotional about it. But what you have described is very restrictive and people will just stop inviting them or wanting to socialise with them.

... or just do a vegetable stir fry/roast vegetables for them and if they complain, they complain.

She may come back after Xmas and tell us how it went😁

Tell the DIL you're doing a Druid banquet this year, your son in law has requested pig on a spit and ask does she want roast chestnuts or crab apple tart.

Look on the bright side, she hasn't got DC... yet.

I would not be impressed at having to throw away £80 worth of food bought for two people because one of them sniffed it and thought he detected garlic. Though TBH I don't really undertsand why everyone else couldn't have had salad with Boxing Day buffet.

What do they actually eat at home? I'd be tempted to just buy in some vegetables and salad and let them sort themselves out. If they're going to whinge and pick and then bin it anyway, don't go to any trouble.

I'm vegetarian, but even when travelling I offer to bring food to make things easier for hosts.

A less honest OP we will be hard pressed to meet.
0/10

I’m thinking you should tell them you are away with friends this year and then just enjoy a peaceful Christmas just you and your DH.

Well I hope she is still quietly loitering ...

If they're vegan but aren't able to eat "nightshades" (I looked that up and Google AI says it's "Edible fruits and vegetables: Tomatoes, potatoes (excluding sweet potatoes), eggplants (aubergines), and bell peppers.? Or nuts they must be really limited in their protein intake but also carb and nutrition

They're a thoughtless bunch. I'd give it a miss this year. Tell them you've come to the end of hosting Xmas and it's time for them to oblige our just do their own thing. You and DH can enjoy your traditional Xmas lunch without having them😊

Either book a caterer or go on holiday.

I agree with others here, you need to put a stop to it. Either go away, or be assertive and say, we can’t host this year (and the same going forward). We’re not up to it, or whatever.

I should add you say they are Vegans “the difficult kind who don’t eat garlic and onions . . . “ Vegans don’t eat any animal products, but that has nothing to do with garlic and onions.

THIS !!!!!!

That sounds like really hard work OP! I'm not surprised you're fed up about it.

It sounds like they come for a few days? That's the really tough bit I think - churning out 3 meals a day for lots more people than you usually cook for. It must be so much easier if people live really close by and can just come for Christmas Day.

You mention that your DH is 70 - how old are you? When my parents were in their late 60s it became apparent that hosting us all for 3 days was suddenly way too much for them (and we all eat everything - but there are a lot of us) Since then my brother and I have quietly picked up the mantle (sister doesn't have room)

But we have a long standing tradition in our house that everyone brings something to contribute. Last year we all went to my brother's.

Mum brings Christmas pudding and Christmas cake.
I made red cabbage and stuffing.
Sister brought cheese and homemade mince pies.
Sister and I sorted out fancy nibbles as a starter for both days.
The deal is it needs to be stuff that's prepped in advance so you're not getting under the hosts' feet in the kitchen.

I think you're perfectly within your rights to say that the hosting is getting too much and it's someone else's turn. But if you decide to continue to host, could this idea of everyone bringing something help you? It's actually become a lovely part of our Christmas traditions.

Wow, just wow. No one has to put up with this especially from their own children. They sound selfish and spoilt.
Either refuse to do Christmas any more or tell them they have to cater.
Could they not online shopping and have the groceries delivered to yours? Then they can cook when they get there.
Maybe go to a restaurant that does Christmas dinner.

Great ideas.....although there are other supermarkets as well as Waitrose. We don't even have one in our area. Clearly not posh enough lol

Omg I can’t believe you and DH are putting up with this! I’ve never heard such incredibly rude and ill mannered behaviour from adults. You are being too nice. You are effectively being bullied in your own home. Tell them that this year you are cooking the food you want and they will have to bring their own food. They are perfectly able to bring it on the train stop babying them. Honestly give your head a wobble.

Would no one else eat the salad? Why did it all have to go in the bin?
What was he doing on his phone?
Have you previously guilt tripped them about needing to spend time together?
Do they actually have loads of money or are they working their arses off and still living in a small flat because of insane London property prices then having to cram themselves on an extortionately priced stupidly busy train to come and see you for Christmas because the expectation is they have to? Do they ever go to their in laws for Christmas instead or have you previously indicated that that would make you upset?
Have you every asked what they do like to eat or have you just thought ‘vegans only eat salad’?
I’m a fully fledged carnivore by the way just think this is all really one sided.