Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

I would go cheap. I knew my visitors would complain last time (cos they do whatever ) so I did Lidl's veg etc. try putting a list of what they can eat into chat / Gemini and
make it in advance. I guess issue is seasoning but ask them what they use (soy sauce is good for nut roast seasoning but need right one I guess ) and then you have not spent lots or ages. Roast carrots / parsnips /
Sweet pot. similar veg in a soup with chestnuts (parsnip and chestnut is nice soup ). Keep it simple. Ask them to bring dessert or to order stuff they like from Ocado to the house. Even the roast veg you can pre prep and freeze.

Oh good god , I couldn’t be doing with that !!
Vegan , absolutely fine , I’d happily cater for vegan ( in fact I’d just make a completely vegan Christmas meal ) but it’s all the other things they won’t eat .

I never realised there was a branch of vegan that didn't eat garlic or mushrooms. I'm generally failing at veganism and mushrooms are pretty much the main protein and vitamin D source.

I know Jains and some satvik Hindus won't do onions or garlic (either BC they believe it "heats the blood" or since they're grown in the ground might injure bugs) but they do eat dairy so aren't vegan.

Oh @ThisWiseRobin just because you are retired does not mean you have to host such a difficult Christmas. Tell your family that the pair of you are looking forward to being hosted this time and you have no specific dietary requirements so it should be very easy for them. Better still, you book the holiday now and wish them all a very merry Christmas.

Love this idea!

I’m an easy going vegan so yes we do exist. Doesn’t seem like it’s to do with being vegan as for me I just have a fake meat on Mac’s day and everything else is the same, it seems it’s more about all the other normal food stuffs and ingredients they seem to avoid. As well as their personalities and unrealistic expectations. Why don’t you just say no? Or remind them of how they keep complaining about the efforts you’ve previously gone to so they’re not invited this year?

This is a great reply!

Yeah. Please don’t put up with that! Your son sounds awful.

There comes a time when roles are reversed. Xmas should now be each adult child taking turns to host or everyone bringing a dish. I took over from my mum 13 years ago and have them and my sibling’s family over. Or he entertains his PIL’s on Xmas day and we meet up in the morning. I decided a long time so I wasn’t going to be stressed cooking . I want to enjoy myself too. Time to start off loading or just go away. Xmas is lovely with grandchildren (I don’t have any) but my parents love all the older teams. When my parents are no longer around and those inbetween years where kids party Xmas away we will go out or away. Think about it you’ll be happier for it.

Get them to have their own shopping delivered to your house for them to cook or prepare their own meals while they are there. Don't see what the issue is, you can host by giving them a bed and company.

This

Surely everyone's Xmas is what they choose to make of it?

More fool you for making food for these ungrateful kids you’ve raised!! No way would I pander to that. They sound like selfish arseholes!

Errrm it's easy...

You choose one of these options
1 Book a holiday and let them know they need to make other arrangements
2 Buy it ready made in M&S/Aldi and tell them they can eat it or not, but that's what you are serving
3 Sort out the meals so they all have to make one each and share the stress
4 Make the exact Christmas meal you want, send them the menu and tell them they are welcome to come and share, come and bring a different meal for themselves or stay away

Ensure you tell them you love them dearly, but are too old for all this bleeep

Get them to do an online shop of the foods that they will/like to eat and get that delivered to you. Unless they are allergic, provided you have provided them with vegan food and made an effort to ensure it is food they will eat, they should just suck it up and be polite enough to eat it.

I say that as a fussy eater who doesn't like all sorts of things, but I make an effort to eat as much as I can of whatever I am given.

And 'nightshades' means members of the solanum family... so potatoes, peppers, chillies, tomatoes. There may be other things, for instance I'm not sure about aubergines.

I’d be telling them that since they all felt you did such a rubbish job last year, they can book and pay for a meal out for the day or sort the food themselves.

Or go on holiday

They sound absolutely insufferable and the diet sounds quite dangerous for health. You are more than within your rights to inform them that you're not able to cater to their dietary preferences this year and so it's best you go to them.

Tell them you have booked a holiday… or discovered Buddhism… or it is their turn to host (forever!). Or that you have developed a no. Serious and yet incapacitating condition that means that they will have to do all the cooking.

This sort of thing is why, in the past, people would ‘take to their bed’.

I don't have an issue with vegans, its the turbo-charged vegans who have an issue with anyone who isn't a vegan and steer almost any conversation into veganism, while getting onto their food authoritarian soap box,

At that point, it's no longer about individual food choices, its about people forcing their food choices on others (and frankly, starts to mimic a cult mentality), no doubt a presenting symptom of living out their unresolved issues through trying to control what other people choose to consume via use of shame.... e.g. "I can smell garlic" and causing you to throw away expensive ingredients during a 'family' christmas? bah vegan humbug to that.

"Oh, did I tell you I was vegan? I am vegan by the way, just in case you forgot"

See there are some fabulous hotels in this country that serve champagne and lobster. If I had the money I'd be doing that not slaving over a hot stove.
For example:

Grantham Hall
Royal Crescent Bath
The Lamb at Burford

I've sampled the above . That's where I'm going at 70. If your DC are well off they can join you. X

Think it's time you booked a holiday, then tell them that you will be away for Christmas.

If you won't do that, then insist that someone else hosts, unless you tell them they will continue to use you.

You say they are wealthy, how about you all go away together into a hotel for 5 days over Christmas, or a sunny holiday abroad or a Christmas cruise.

Honestly, get online and book a holiday for you and DH. Let them sort their own foibles out in the comfort of their own homes.
I have 2 teen fussy eaters. One eats Christmas lunch with turkey, the other will only eat beige food (ARFID). I won’t host anyone else on Christmas Day because I haven’t got the capacity to cook for more food preferences.
DH and I decided to sod it all a few weeks ago and booked a flight for the 4 of us on Christmas Day. The kids can moan about the aeroplane food and eat crisps and chocolate.
Problrm solved.

Yeah just no to all this. You’re trying to create a convivial family Christmas with a bunch of selfish arseholes who don’t want the same thing. There’s catering for people’s needs and then there are people just being too demanding and offering no assistance. And being on your phone over lunch?! What?! I’d have a lovely cosy Christmas just the two of you.

OP has sorted out her plan of action and left now, so there's no need for further advice. Still, it's an interesting thread and here's my two penn'orth.

I was with OP in sisterly outrage, until we got to "I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin."

She was angry and upset with people who said that sounded martyrish, but I have to agree with them. The idea of someone chucking away so much expensive food, more than a lot of people can afford to spend in a week, to placate middle aged people weaponising some family feud, makes me upset and angry! It's nuts!

And that's what I'd be telling them to bring with them on their train journeys btw. So nutritious and light as feather. And so many varieties, there's bound to be one that no-one's allergic to.

You and your partner invite yourselves over to theirs instead. Leave the hosting to them