Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

Air bnb maybe?
I haven't got room to host either but we just make do and cram everyone in to give my parents a break. They're in their 70s now- wouldn't dream of inflicting all the Christmas mess my kids make on them at christmas at this stage of their lives. Your kids need to help you brainstorm this

Could the adult children not help out more? Doesn't matter who hosts on my family, all adults help with cooking and dishes as well as parents clean up after their own children so it's not left a mess.

Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day.

I don't mean to be that poster but don't your adult DC keep their kids under control? Are your DC loading/unloading dishwasher?

How long are they staying with you for?

Yes they do help. My son did Christmas lunch , DIL is helping as much as she can. Adult DD is exhausted and just wants to sleep . OH worn out but doing his best. I just can’t stand it . I want peace and quiet and an orderly house. Doesn’t help that DIL has a very different parenting style to me.

The air bnb is a great idea, then nobody’s hosting and ye don’t have to worry about cleaning and getting the place ready for Christmas

Suggest a Christmas lunch out somewhere next year? We did that once and it really broke the dread routine.

But then we started hosting my parents (in a TINY space) when I was pregnant! Sisters and I split it!

You plan ahead and set boundaries. Decide what will work for you then contact them all well in advance and tell them this. E.g everyone brings a frozen ready-prepared meal to feed the family and/or part of the Christmas dinner.
And make sure you have space for you to escape - go for a nap when you can and listen to calming music or go for a walk. Don't be apologetic - tell them ahead this is what you'll be doing. Don't be a martyr and run yourself into the ground.

The solution is to go out to a restaurant! Did that one year and it was great,

Christmas lunch out is very expensive and would be stressful with kids who haven't been taught to stay at the table and not create a fuss.

I think of you have a decent relationship with your kids then you just tell them that you are finding hosting really stressful. Either change who is hosting or just arrange to meet for a meal.

How old are the kids? Who is doing laundry? How long are they staying with you for?

Oh ok, I thought you were doing it all since you said you feel like slave. Don't host at your house then. Air b n b as others said, or a meal out. Or even something less traditional and on another day. How far away are they, can you make the visit shorter

We hired a community hall on Boxing Day one year for a big family get together. There was plenty of space for little ones to run around, we could use the kitchen to cook food and warm up leftovers and tidying up at the end didn’t take long. Everyone went back to their own homes/air bnbs afterwards so there was plenty of down time too. Could you do something similar? It’s a bit more relaxed than going to a restaurant if you have small children around.

Not quite the same situation, but every year I do the hosting for extended family. And never do I get the invite in return.

So this year I decided not to so any inviting. Funny how I never got invited anywhere either though.

I do have an early 20s DC and they invited their partner so it was just the three of us.

It was the nicest Christmas I have had in a long time. No stress in the run up organising food, worrying if there will be enough food. Arranging who brings what. Arranging presents for each person. Making fridge and freezer space.

On the day making sure everything is ready for a set time.

This year come 11am I was having such a nice restful morning with DC, slept late. Opened our presents and chatted and assembled gadgets as you do. Then I realised I hadn't put the meat in. Did that. Said we will eat at no specific time, but when its ready.

We ate then watched some Christmas film. We all cleaned up.

It was the perfect day. I am choosing stress free every year going forward now.

It is quite an eye opener to see how some people just take things for granted. So it's a good idea to change things up imo.

Are they all staying over? That’s the bit I would change. Can’t they just come for lunch and then all go home. We used to do that with one family bringing the cooked turkey, one bringing the desserts and I used to do the veg and the drinks. Or be radical and don’t do any food, or just Christmas cake and a cup of tea, just meet to exchange presents then all go home. We do that now!

My in laws do a cottage/Airbnb - really recommend it. Everyone helps more because no-one feels like the "host", if you choose correctly everyone has more space. You can also get cottage complexes or interlinked cottages if you want more space

Like this sort of place - https://www.churchfarmcottages.com/4-person-cottages

As an aside, I do notice the way you speak about your daughter Vs your DIL.

Your DIL is helping but it's not enough for you and she isn't parenting her toddler the way you would like (no mention of your son's parenting)

Your daughter is exhausted and needs to rest - is she helping? Is she really more exhausted than the DIL with the toddler ? Or are you just more atuned to her feelings?

Give them plenty of notice that next year you will not be hosting. It sounds like it's well past time to call it quits. That way the grandchildren can wake up in their own beds on the 25th. Plan present exchange in the week before. Put your feet up at 3.00pm Christmas Eve and listen to Carols from Kings. Reins handed over.

You mention that you DIL has a different parenting style to you. Are your grandchildren not parented equally by your son?

It sounds as though they are staying too long - 2 nights is ample then there's no washing to fo. Arrive at 4 on the 24th and leave on the 26th, parents look after the needs of their own children and perhaps factor in some long walks to wear the darlings out.

Suspect my MIL feels like this as she hasn’t offered to host at all this year. She’s too much of a people-pleaser to actually be honest and say it though!

DH and I realistically aren’t the issue as we live 30 minutes away so never sleep over at the in-laws, and have one well-behaved (if rather energetic) 6 year old.

DH’s sibling however has 3 kids (including 2 under 5) plus a boisterous dog they insist on taking everywhere. They are loud and messy.

DH and I have been saying for ages his parents need to assert some boundaries - and it seems like this year they have finally taken that advice!

Tell them that hosting everyone at Xmas is too tiring for you now. You can all agree an alternative insteas.
Air bnb
Holiday in the Canaries ... with separate apartment.
Lunch out
It's all more expensive but you could have a zero presents rule and all spend the money on the accommodation instead?

Your OP makes it sound like you’re doing everything, yet you then say they help. Why on earth are you washing every day? Why can’t they bring enough clothes? Why can’t your son parent his children?

It sounds like you’re making work for yourself and just want to be stressed and miserable so you can tell them not to come any more.

We’re in an Airbnb this year.

can’t recommend it enough.

costs money obviously.

Ironic that the young families probably think op is thrilled to be hosting / seeing them all but this is the reality. Can relate admit also fantasising about a chilled adult Christmas as my house is laid waste to.

They’re probably all tipping up because they think they’re doing you a favour gracing you with their presence. Suggest that 2026 is the in laws year and then in 2027 do an Airbnb or a hotel or go abroad.