Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

No they don’t have money for holidays either. So Xmas is a holiday for them.

In our house the adult dc cook some of the meals. They help on others. They stack and wipe and vacuum too.

Errrr, nope. I would DEFINITELY not be doing this. Absolute bloody madness! As I said, why can people not stay in their own home at Christmas? FGS!

Meant to add also, there's a family in my street - woman and man in their mid 40s, who have 4 kids. She has one aged 13 by one man, one by a second man aged 10, and two by the man she is right now, aged 8 and 7... Every Christmas all 6 of them go to stay at her parents house, from Christmas Eve afternoon to Boxing Day afternoon. 6 years they have lived here, and they have never EVER had a Christmas in their own home. Her parents only live 15 miles away, it's not like they're 300 miles away. Even then it's odd to be doing this every year! The 2 kids who are not her current partner's never go to their dads - either of them. In fact, I rarely see the dads actually.

DH and I have always spent every Christmas in our own home. When the kids were young, we would all go see my parents (and DH's) on Christmas Eve for an hour each, where we swapped gifts, (they lived 6-9 miles from us at the time...) And then there would be just the 4 of us for 3-4 days ... including Christmas Day and Boxing Day. With some people, it's like they can't stand being in the company of their own partner and children for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and just have to have other people around!

Even if your parents live a few hundred miles away, why can you not still stay in your own home for Christmas? Just see them a week before or something.

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Put yourself in an Air BnB and visit them for an hour or two a day - maybe for a walk or a trip to the park. You could get in a few days shopping for them but then make it clear they buy and cook their own food after that. You stay in the well stocked Air BnB with champagne and After Eights 😁

We split it per family. I don’t remember the cost. It certainly wasn’t £100 ph though. It was a few years ago now.

OMG I havent had After Eights for years - since I moved to Australia. And now, I could just fancy a box with some champagne 🥰 I wonder i can get them where I live 🫣

We are approaching the end of our hosting. I think we are partly bored of it. They sit waiting to be fed like baby birds and I’ve given up the struggle of trying to get them involved with taking their fair share. It’s not just once day, we are now on our 5th day!

We are having a lovely week in Tenerife in a friendly hotel, half board. They put on a great Christmas dinner.

2 weeks is too long!

Just say you’ll be doing a quiet Christmas in future and give up on the big family gathering. Sounds like they could all do with less travelling and stress too.

It’s not because of us putting pressure on them. They want to get away for as long as possible. It’s their only real break.

Our view was ‘Christmas come around again too quickly’ 😂 - you know that feeling ‘but we got them that last year’.

So we have Christmas every other year, and go on holiday the alternate year. Adult DC’s know they need to plan something else, we know we are planning a holiday and using the money we would have spent for this.

(and my adult DC’s and partners are great guests, help cooking, clearing up, easy going, lots of fun. I am also quite direct with jobs ‘can you just clear…that…into…)

I think you need to have a chat with your son. Can you compromise? Can they stay at an Airbnb? I feel a bit sorry for them that they don’t get a holiday. But 2 weeks at yours is too much! Surely there’s a compromise? Or do year about? I couldn’t see my son and DIL struggle and go off on a holiday abroad or a cruise. 😢

They only come to us every second year. They go to her parents the other year. They can’t afford to stay in an air b and b. We’re actually planning to move closer next year and only have them for short visits. We don’t see much of them the rest of the year so it’s valuable family time.

They do help a lot with cooking . They’re completely exhausted though and I feel a pressure to try and take the strain off them.

I don't understand how they see staying somewhere with no spare room so everyone on top of each other, with a boisterous toddler in tow is a break. Are you absolutely sure you aren't all being too nice and not saying what you really mean? Well done for saying you aren't hosting next year!

What do you mean spare room? They have more space here than in their own house. They want to get out of their own house at Xmas and have a break. They live in a small cramped house and it’s a change of scene, plus they have parents to help them.

Ah sorry - I misread your op! Thought you had said that you don't have room to host, but you said THEY don't have room.

I do have an adult dc that has moved out, but also a much younger (primary school age) dc (plus two teens). I declared 2 years ago that I would no longer host. I HATE cooking, always have done, and can’t imagine a worse way to spend my Xmas day, although I did it for years. Fortunately parents are still healthy enough to cook and really want to host so we go to theirs (10minute drive so only for the afternoon), and then when they get too elderly either the dc can host or we are going to a restaurant. I have 4 dc and I’ve told them when they are adults that I only expect them to host and put up with me once every 4 years, and I shall stay in a hotel if they are not nearby. I like my own peace too much.

Air B n B and takeaway Xmas Eve, restaurant meal out for Xmas day.

Unfortunately you still have to clean up and leave the place as you found it. Cottage/air bnb breaks are great but still have that element of chores! But of course it isn’t your house and if you can get a big place then you can spread out and have a quiet zone.

Christmas lunch out for 10 people cost me over one thousand pounds a couple of years ago.
I booked the most reasonable place I could find and the meal was rubbish, the staff were rude and it was not an enjoyable experience.

You could still go away but offer your house to your kids to use while you are away? this might work better in summer maybe if you take a summer holiday
offer to the family who don’t get holiday that they take your house the week you are away for summer and that Christmas is 4 days trip next year - so let them stay but shorter

Fuck that. After hosting for 20+ years DS has done the last two, his house is bigger, he has babies and dogs and it’s easier. We all muck in. However my DC live close.

2 weeks is a huge amount of time to host, let alone at Xmas.

i guess if you don’t do it then though, you’ll be hosting at some other time of the year, albeit only one family at a time perhaps.

I do think they are kind of taking the piss! I completely understand the desire to take the pressure off of them but sometimes you have to think about what’s in your control and what isn’t and fixing their life for them probably isn’t.

We live four hours away from my partner’s family and every other year drive across on Christmas Day and driving back late on Boxing Day having seen multiple sets of people. We tend to get fed at one, maybe two, of those stops and sort out our own accommodation and meals. It is doable - the 1 night in a hotel was £60 booked in August. You don’t need to go to someone’s for two weeks and live in their house.