Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

So agree @WiltedLettuce x

20 years ago, I would’ve said you could take children to a restaurant from the age of five upwards
Now I think it’s closer to 10 at a push
Eating out will just be more stressful from what I have heard

No chance with DD1 as they go every single year to their in-laws. A habit set in stone. DD2 and her DP and toddler live in a tiny 2 up 2 down house with no room to swing their cat!

None of mine live close enough to just come for the day plus some don't drive! So they have to stay. But no longer!!

For some people like DD1s in laws it is compulsory for them to host every single Xmas.

I had a few years off hosting the big family Christmas, it used to be DC, various partners, my parents and sister plus her family. That stopped when we moved to a much smaller house and switched to more of a buffet type afternoon thing. This year I did host 12, 3 of the 4DC and 4 of the 5 GC. It was lovely but the big difference was that it was only the afternoon and everyone left about 7pm. So it was a bit chaotic - in a good way - for a few hours, but then all done. I know it’s dependent on where people live but I just decided I wasn’t going to put anyone up, we really don’t have much space and I was finding I was going back to work exhausted. So maybe have a chat about it well ahead of next year?
We’ve also started doing a summer family bbq, just so much easier as lots more space and the kids can run round.

It sounds like the split is unfair if your adult DD isn’t helping or does she also found it overwhelming with young children?

What about building in time everyday where everyone has time on their own? Or will your son feel like you’re ignoring his children?

I have to disagree. I think it would be more stressful, there won't be your own creature comforts OR any of your own trusted cookware and kitchen equipment, you won't have your own store cupboard full of food and seasonings etc so you you will have to buy or transport every single food item. The toddler is probably going to be even more of a nightmare due to unfamiliar surroundings and you'd be on edge wondering what they were going to "get into" or break next and YES, you still have to clean to a certain degree, I know some don't, but I certainly leave an air bnb spotless, regardless of being charged a fee.

I’m not buying into Christmas next year. God knows how I’ll deal with it. But I’m going nowhere and no one’s coming to me. If DH insists then he can move out too. I hate Christmas. We can get together in the summer when there is public transport.

The way to do Air B&B is for people to rent somewhere near whoever is hosting. That means it could be one of the OP's children - they may not have space to put everyone up, but it's much easier to get everyone round a table for a couple of hours.

So the OP and her husband could book a nice little cottage near one of their kids, perhaps along with the DD who needs to rest, and potter through Christmas morning with books and lie-ins. Then they go over to Host DC for Christmas lunch, the children run wild at home, and then OP and her husband (possibly with DD) decamp back to lovely peaceful Air B&B for the evening. Then perhaps brunch back at DC's, or whatever.

It does take money but having a 'base' that is quiet is good.

Alternatively the family with children rent somewhere near the OP's house; they let the children 'off the lead' there and come for a meal, and the rest of the time other people can have a relatively civilized adult time.

Adult children often revert back to being lazy teens in their parents' homes. I am never closer to divorcing my own husband than after we've spent a few days at his parents'.

Absolutely this. My DCs are all functional, independent adults with responsible jobs and lovely homes of their own. Yet come Christmas when they’re all back together under our roof they morph into idle, expectant, selfish, bickering teenagers. It drives me insane. They never behave like that individually, but get them together and there’s some dark sorcery at play!

When we finished lunch yesterday there was a sudden exodus into the living room. DH and I were the only ones clearing up, and we’d been cooking since 8am while the DCs had sat on their arses. I had to go into the living and ask them to come and help. They’re all mid twenties to mid thirties, not children.

It really does make you feel extremely taken for granted. I’ll be cold in my grave before one of them even considers hosting us for a change!

Why do women do this to themselves?

Turn themselves into a complete wreck to entertain and feed and pander to (usually ungrateful) close and extended family members?! They just run themselves into the ground!

I just do a light buffet for the visitors - usually 4 visitors, and only 'host' Christmas day every 3rd year. Even when we go to our adult DC, on Christmas day, they only give us mince pies and gingerbread, and maybe some torilla chips and dip, or some nuts. They have the sense to not stress themselves out!

Then we have a Christmas meal in the evening - just DH and I. (And they have one at theirs...) Sometimes we have no Christmas meal on Christmas day, and have a get-together around 21st December. Either at one of the houses, or we have a Christmas roast meal out together. (Then we just have snacks and nibbles on Christmas day.)

Women need to make a stand. STOP THIS BLOODY NONSENSE. STOP DESTROYING YOURSELF AND RUNNING YOURSELF RAGGED TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE AT CHRISTMAS! (Many of who take it all for granted!)

.

One adult child, small house no grandchildren, adult child has done fuck all, not so much as washed a cup or made me a hot drink. I have done all the cooking, cleaning and washing up. i am not young and I am exhausted. Have friends coming over for a small Boxing Day tea buffet thing and I want to cancel as I cannot face doing all the work. I should not have to ask for help, but I will have to as it would never occur to adult child to offer. I know that when we go back to our childhoood homes we can revert back to childish behavior and patters but ffs, I came down to mess in the kitchen this morning and wanted to scream. AC has split up from their long term partner and I have made allowances for this Christmas being difficult for them and as a family we have had a really traumatic year with a shocking death that we are all still processing BUT i am sick of just having to plough on making sure there is food, a clean house, empty bins, and a full fridge.

Um ... the OP's son cooked Christmas dinner, I think?

Why do you still host everyone? Once we started a family we stopped going to our parents and had Xmas at our home. Much better for the kids who would much rather be in their own home than at a relatively unfamiliar place. And much less stressful for us.

DGPs were invited of course, but they would rotate around mine and my DP's siblings each year.

And the DIL helped.

But sadly that disturbed poor DD who needed to rest.

Golden child alert!

I'm beginning to think I don't want to host next year. Four adult children, one partner and their two dogs ( as well as one dog of our own). Adult kids have contributed nothing and done nothing to help. I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher five times yesterday. Didn't sleep most of xmas eve night either as dh and I don't normally sleep in the same bed due to his snoring but was forced to share so ended up on the sofa. I'm completely exhausted and grumpy today.

@SarahAndQuack your idea, though commendable, just adds to an already expensive time of the year.

Exactly! Why can't people just stay in their own fecking homes on Christmas day?

Why is there ALWAYS a woman run ragged - entertaining and feeding and pandering to ungrateful and bone idle family members?

People seem obsessed with having a 'big family Christmas' with all the extended family around a big table, but hardly anyone wants to put the work in to make it happen! It nearly always falls to one middle aged (or slightly younger) woman in the family.

Fuck.

That.

Shit!

Absolutely. This is exactly how I feel. I declared yesterday to my adult children (whose turn it is next year to be with their dad anyway) my parents and mother in law, that next year I was going on holiday. My mother in law (who my husband has to spend 3 hours of his Xmas day driving around) asked well who’s going to have her? Whilst I do feel bad, I told her someone else in her family (2 other adult children) numerous grown up grandchildren etc.
Honestly I didn’t enjoy yesterday I’m exhausted, I’ve been very unwell in hospital in November, also picked up a cold/flu virus thing 10 days ago, which whilst over the worst of, has left me exhausted. I just wanted to cry. Plus I got crap presents (which I know it’s not all about the presents, but it makes me feel undervalued) and I’ve had a row today with my husband. I am too very resentful and doing everything at Christmas to please others at my own expense and I don’t want to be that grumpy person. So next year despite guilt will
be going away on holiday and escaping the obligatory madness for a year.

We never host. Dh has 3 gc and we just dont want the chaos.

Be like my mum, she turned up half an hour before dinner despite me saying come before as my FIL was there, didn't turn up with anything, was not expected to do anything other than walk between the living room and kitchen and then after three hours asked who was taking her home.

I know - it only works if you have the spare money. But some people do; and if you do, I think it is well worth it.

No parent with young children really wants to spend Christmas at their IL's house imo. Unless the ILs have Mary Poppins-esque tendencies and are very easygoing, it's hard work parenting your kids in someone else's house. You can never really relax.

No, DS and DDIL prefer to spend Xmas at our house. DS actually said so, in September - he said, he doesn’t like spending all day in the kitchen (when they host the family for Xmas), he prefers to go to somebody else’s house, where they do it.

DDIL is Polish and her day of celebration is Christmas Eve. They celebrate it, in accordance with her traditions. Imo, she enjoys a day off and being waited on, by us for a change on Xmas Day. She likes our home cooking. The grandchildren are better behaved at our house.Its easier for four adults to keep children entertained than two. I’d say DS and DDIL can relax more at our house, than they can at home. DGD has ADHD - she doesn’t have meltdowns at our house.

Lots of people here seem not to actually like their grandchildren very much.