Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

My DB and I take turns. Last year was my turn, I did a buffet as we have no room to sit everyone down. Then on Boxing Day me and DP went to Morroco for 10 nights.

The year before that we went to Tenerife for the whole of Christmas and New Year. This year we are back at DB. We have kids in their 20's, elderly parents (no grandchildren yet) and it was the most dull Christmas ever.

We would honestly rather be on holiday. It's so much easier and less stressful. The adult kids aren't bothered, it's just my parents who I feel guilty about.

Christmas is just so overrated.

In our very large family once dc came along you were expected to have Christmas dinner in your own home. Our dc are all adults now, all single with no dc and I cant imagine Christmas day without them, but I dont know how I would feel about them bringing partners. We have a lovely, easy day because we dont have guests, we dont have a set time to eat, just eat when dinner is ready, people can eat in their pj's if they like, all very casual and cosy, long may it last.

You don't have to host if you don't want, but this post feels a little sad tbh.

Is your daughter the baby or otherwise a favourite? Toddlers aren't really naughty, they just haven't got the capacity to regulate all their behaviour yet (and close family usually find them endearing despite the tantrums).

I understand you said that your daughter has had a stressful year, but I'm sure your son and DIL are tired too with a toddler to care of too. Yet It sounds like they did a hell of a lot to help out (including your son cooking the Christmas lunch, which is the biggest undertaking I can think of over the festive period).

Your daughter just got to relax yet you speak about her far more kindly than your son and DIL.

If your daughter has children, do you think you'll feel the same about her and her child staying with you?

I would love to be able to host my family but my house simply isn’t big enough, and I will never be able to afford a house that is.
It makes me feel a bit sad and inadequate.
I really hope my parents don’t feel the same way about hosting us that the OP does.
We are happy to contribute and cook! But I guess maybe that’s not enough?

I'm so sorry, and I hope you feel better today ...

This is the kind of shit I was on about. Women running themselves ragged for other people who don't give a shit about hard they're working, how they're running themselves ragged, and them moaning and whining all entitled and sniffy, like 'well where am I meant to go on Christmas day next year?'

As I said, I will never understand why so many people seem to be unable to stay in their own home! Why the obsession with 'everyone getting together' on Christmas day? There are 364 other days of the year that you could meet/get together!

I know a family who always have 14 people getting together on Christmas day - 6 kids, 8 adults, and the one women - the older sister (in her mid 40s) has done it all since 2015. The younger sister never offers, and neither do any of the other women - or men! She never says anything (the host!) but she is absolutely fucked by Boxing Day. And she only has 4-5 days off over Christmas. (She is a health care worker!) The other women in the group of 14 don't even have a fucking job! Unbelievable!

But why? Why do you feel guilty (about your parents) if you go on holiday at Christmas - and they stay at home?

I bet no man would feel even remotely guilty about leaving anyone behind if they went on holiday over Christmas!

We love the bones of DGC; and we already have over 30 years experience of two DDs with SEN. DGC with SEN is way easier to deal with than either DD.

How many people are staying and for how long? Could you still host without them all staying multiple nights?

Just say you don't want to next year. Pop round to theirs for an hour perhaps? Or another day around Christmas time?

Lairymary

ah yes, sorry I meant you’d only have to clean as you were leaving, just no preparation cleaning!

My mum has 13 to cook for next year and has already said she isn’t - if we’re with them, we’re going out for dinner. It would be my family bumping it up to 13, there were 10 of them this year.

We can’t host (my autistic son won’t have people in the house), my sister doesn’t have the space, and I wouldn’t eat my brother’s food.

My in laws have already said a year in advance they’re going on a Christmas cruise.

They live a nine hour drive away unfortunately

Four adults and two children for two weeks.

Also cost hundreds of pounds .For a not great meal.

Who paid? Around here even a pub dinner on Christmas Day is £100 per person.

One Dc and partners live at the other end of the country, the other is a five hour drive away. They don’t have money for air b and bs or meals out so we end up paying for everything.

What's the solution? You tell everyone that you can't do this again - it's too stressful and too exhausting. In future, if you all want to be together at Christmas, I suggest you either all go and stay in a hotel, or rent a house with plenty of space for everyone and an agreement to all pitch in, or you don't do Christmas together any more.

My DM announced 14 years ago that she didn't want to do Christmas and have us to stay any more, because she'd done it for 40 years and she was fed up. Not a problem. We've stayed at home every Christmas ever since and we all prefer it. We visit the weekend before to swap gifts and wish each other a Merry Christmas. It works well and is not stressful for anyone any more.

All those posts “shall we have a third how lovely to have lots around the table as adults” hmm. 3 adult kids all with families is too many for most normal houses to deal with so you end you end up splitting up anyway.

This is INSANE
they don't need to come for that long and they can get an Airbnb. 3 nights in an Airbnb is more than enough to celebrate Christmas together. Why would you possibly think this was a good idea?

They don't have money for Airbnb? Do they ever go away on holiday? If they do, then they have money for Airbnb.

It doesn’t sound like you are being treated like a slave but that you aren’t used to the chaos of extra people in the house. Not sure what the answer is if they don’t have the budget to stay elsewhere. Maybe tell them to do their own thing and you go and visit them and stay in a hotel.

if your DD is exhausted and has had to travel 5 hours that doesn’t sound a great idea and she should have stayed at home and if your DS and family live the other end of the country and have had to make the trip with two young children that also sounds a nightmare. Tell them to stay home next year or maybe rent an air bnb half way. Two weeks is too long for family to stay together though,

It also sounds like your DS and DIL did more to help than your DD and DH. You probably are not used to the chaos young children bring. It can’t be easy when families live far away from each other.

Arrange to visit DD and DS separately shortly before/after Christmas (staying in a Travelodge or similar) and let them know they are excused from schlepping 9hrs with young children to visit you. I really don’t get the obsession with the day itself, or getting everyone together all at once. Instead I much prefer having a few mini Christmases with different groups of family and a lovely , relaxed day at home on the 25th.

In with you OP.
Next year we me and dh are off somewhere on our own. I've done 30 years of hosting. Had enough.
Instead I will suggest we all meet for a dinner last Sunday or whatever.

Yes I think that’s what we’ll do. I’ve already told them we aren’t hosting next Xmas. Please hit me with ideas for Xmas cruises and travel. 🧳