Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

Yes, but tbf this year wasn’t bad at all. No family rows or disasters but I’m still done in and just don’t want to keep doing it.

That's a great idea if people live close enough to just meet for tea and Christmas cake. See everyone, not too onerous, no mess

I'm reading a lot of these threads and thinking a lot of bother could be saved by people being honest and just staying at home 😅.

No parent with young children really wants to spend Christmas at their IL's house imo. Unless the ILs have Mary Poppins-esque tendencies and are very easygoing, it's hard work parenting your kids in someone else's house. You can never really relax.

Adult children often revert back to being lazy teens in their parents' homes. I am never closer to divorcing my own husband than after we've spent a few days at his parents'.

Having young kids and their associated mess and fuss in your house is intensely stressful if you're not used to it, especially if you don't have a huge space. Unless everyone 'buys into' the kids and treats them as a joint project - feeding them, wearing them out, bath time, getting them off to sleep - it's always going to be stressful when the kids' schedule clashes with the host's schedule and how the other adult guests want things done.

Doesn’t help that DIL has a very different parenting style to me.

You do realise that it is 2 parents that are bringing up your grandchildren.

That's a great idea if people live close enough to just meet for tea and Christmas cake. See everyone, not too onerous, no mess

We do a big family Christmas. The family with the biggest house hosts but a spreadsheet goes out earlier in the month with jobs on and different people source, fund and prep different elements of the meal. Lots of pre-cooking happens and then there's a timetable for re-heating. It works very well.

Go out for lunch instead.

Hi OP yes I have decided not to host any more. There are only 5 of us spending Xmas together until tomorrow (no trains for them to go home today) DP and I, DD2 her DP and toddler DGS. It is just too much upheaval in a small flat and at our age (late 70s). We have never hosted DD1 and her family as every single year they go to her in-laws (11 people there yesterday).
Not just the upheaval in trying to make our home 'safe' for the toddler but the expense too, although tbf DD2 did offer to pay for some of the food, it was my decision not to accept. But overall, with all the gifts as well, it is not something I want to repeat.

In my experience (3 DGC) no, their parents don't 'parent' them particularly well. Their lives are completely child centred. Eldest DGS is autistic so gets overwhelmed in crowded and noisy situations and we ensure he has a quiet room to retire to. His younger brother naturally dislikes the extra attention his DB gets and plays up as a result. Youngest DGS is a toddler, with al that entails but his parents never say no to him.

I'm reading a lot of these threads and thinking a lot of bother could be saved by people being honest and just staying at home 😅.
No parent with young children really wants to spend Christmas at their IL's house imo. Unless the ILs have Mary Poppins-esque tendencies and are very easygoing, it's hard work parenting your kids in someone else's house. You can never really relax.
Adult children often revert back to being lazy teens in their parents' homes. I am never closer to divorcing my own husband than after we've spent a few days at his parents'.
Having young kids and their associated mess and fuss in your house is intensely stressful if you're not used to it, especially if you don't have a huge space. Unless everyone 'buys into' the kids and treats them as a joint project - feeding them, wearing them out, bath time, getting them off to sleep - it's always going to be stressful when the kids' schedule clashes with the host's schedule and how the other adult guests want things done

@WiltedLettuce has got it in one

This 100% and parents who have their phones on throuout the Xmas meal whether at home or out.

I went to bed thinking this. I’m not sure I love being told I have to respect lots of boundaries and rules whilst getting no thanks or help in return in my home.

I woke up to a dgd awake and wondering around looking for me because she’d been told to wake me for breakfast.

I get to be the last to bed, first up and told I should be grateful for them all choosing to spend Christmas here. I’m not convinced but I am exhausted. Unfortunately, I’ll probably forget how annoying it is next year when they all invite themselves over again.

Tbh I much prefer their partners to my own children who are at least appreciative in words if not deeds.

I am going to say something different. Don't do Air BnB - you never know quite what you are getting, even more compromises, kitchens with no equipment... You are clearly not enjoying the day..have you thought that all the guests feel the stress and are also just glad when it's over. So, just stop - end of Jan suggest a different Christmas, that you are not hosting - give them time to adjust and plan

You send a message like this;

What a wonderful Christmas 2025! For next year, I’m hoping we can do a family day on or around December 20th where we go for an activity together; bowling/ Christmas lights trail followed by a pub lunch then maybe a secret Santa exchange to celebrate and each have a little gift.
This then frees up ‘the big day’ for people to spend it how they wish. We were actually thinking next year of booking a night at the coast for a different kind of Christmas!
Let me know what dates work. Am happy to organise from there!

I have a friend with 4 adult kids, 2nd marriage to a chap with 3 adult kids. All married, too many grandchildren to count.
They hire a hall, have a get together before Christmas and then they all have to go home as the hall hire is only till 9pm! Works well for them - and her house remains pristine and tidy.
You don’t have to host - TV adverts with everyone having a fab time round the dinning table have a lot to answer for really, its not the reality for most of us.

@WiltedLettuce I agree. We have young kids and have stayed at home. We have had a lovely Christmas

Our living room is covered with the kids half made Lego sets, books, chocolate coins. Both sets of grandparents would absolutely hate it and be constantly fussing and trying to tidy up. They also don't really understand that the kids need to eat at certain times and can't magically wait 2 hours longer than usual for lunch just because it's Christmas.

To add to it, the dynamic of the favoured daughter also very much a thing with my in laws and it's pretty common and likely at play with the OP. Poor exhausted DD while DIL is the one helping and parenting a toddler while her MIL judges her parenting

What sort of distance apart are people? If it’s doable in a day then I’d suggest a family day out somewhere near Christmas but not actually Christmas. Do an activity/ get some fresh air to wear kids out, then a meal out somewhere relaxed and a secret Santa?

I feel a bit like this (I hosted 16) but I have room to host and a DS who is an amazing chef so really helpful. Plus lots live close by so can just come for the day.

However, I think there's too much to fit into the short Christmas days including presents/games/food/ so I love having everyone around but what I enjoy even more is a big family get-together at Easter. Lighter days so more outdoor time, no presents, a long weekend with just one 'set-piece' lunch (and no trimmings). And no one has been 'evented out' with parties and nativities and carols and mad shopping. It's much more chill.

So can you change it up and do an Easter gathering instead of Christmas so that everyone can get together in a more low-key way?

It’s time for your adult children to host and invite you over.

If they’re far enough away that you need to stay, book an Airbnb.

I like the cottage/ Air B&B suggestion.

Is the DD who is exhausted still living at home? It not, and if what she really needs is sleep, honestly, she should not have come. It's not sensible as an adult to rock up at someone's house where you know there will be three other families and young children, and expect to rest. I get that it's tough if you all live far apart and travelling just for a meal isn't practical.

Just as an aside, I agree with the PP who asks why it is you feel your DD isn't being lazy by not pitching in. Yes, she's exhausted, but presumably other people are tired too. I got very sick of my mother telling me how exhausted my older brother was (while his wife wrangled their three children-single handed, despite the fact they have the exact same job and therefore work exactly the same amount). He would sit around waiting for cups of tea to be brought to him. The year my other SIL was really struggling with her pregnancy she opted out of being a tea maid to someone who already had two full-grown adult women running around after him, and my mum made comments about it. It is not a good way to go. IMO, if your children are all adults, let them tell each other what they need. If exhausted DD wants to take it up with the exercise maniac about early starts, or the parents about screaming children, she can. But if you hover about trying to police their behaviour on the grounds of her feelings, you'll just cause resentment.

My mam sometimes hosts christmas that sounds similar to yours OP. Me and my sister, 3 children between us, 2 husbands, various parenting styles. She's conveniently gone on holiday over christmas several years in a row now, probably because she doesn't want to host! As one of her guests, I don't want to be invited again anyway as it's chaotic but will feel guilty if she does decide to host christmas again. If I was you I'd just tell them you're very grateful for them all making the effort to come to you for christmas but encourage them to make their own traditions and let their children spend christmas day at home, they might be relieved!

Your daughter in law has the different style, not your son….

Why don't the visitors book into a hotel, and you just have lunch together?
Or completely skip the family Christmas, all do your own thing and arrange to all get together at a more convenient time - maybe summer, when children can run off steam outside.
There are another 364 days in a year - it's not compulsory to have 25/12 as the one to hold the family reunion.

How old are your DC? Do they live in their own homes? Are they far away? I think in most families there becomes a time when the hosting moves on to the next generation.

I do agree, maybe do something in the summer to all get together, a day at the seaside or something. It’s not a great day for kids to be the best behaved at Christmas- often cooped up inside with a lot of excitement and overwhelm.