Has anyone with adult children decided not to host anymore?

[Raisondeetre]

I always host Christmas. Have had various partners to stay over the years. Now have two grandchildren as well, and this year I have reached breaking point. Screaming children, mess, complete destruction of the house. Endless meals and washing up, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing machine on every day. One child who desperately needs sleep and a rest after a stressful year, not getting it. Another on a fitness regime, going to the gym at crack of dawn , and a badly behaved toddler. I have a UTI and feel crap. I’m never ever going to do this again, I’m hating every minute and just feel like a slave.

They haven’t got room to host. It’s the only time we all get together. What is the solution?

I suspect the problem here is that they stay for two weeks. If they’d been with you for 2-4 days it’d probably be be okay?

I don’t think the issue here is so much Christmas as Christmas plus everyone staying for two weeks plus it being their only holiday plus it being such a long way to travel plus it being a fairly limiting time of year to be away in the UK (yes, there are £££ winter trails and activities but not so much of the free stuff without getting wet or muddy).
If you want to see both of your children at the same time and you hosting is the only way of doing that, then can you not do it at Easter or the summer. There are likely to be more things to do for free so people get out more, the days are longer so there is more time to do things in and, if you have a garden, there is just more space so you can get away from each other a bit more.
There are very few people I would want to spend a fortnight with & my parents and sibling are not on that list. Nor are my PIL. Nor would DH be either in my parents’ house or in his parents’ house as both of us behave slightly differently in our childhood homes

They are struggling it's their own real break ,it happens every other year so you didnt see them last year and you won't see them next year...you don't see them in the year either !
Honestly I think I'd suck it up and help out for a short window of time.

Yes it's intense and not relaxing but many GP are more present and help out far more.

Yes, that’s why I’m doing it. We have helped on numerous occasions when we have gone down to them , shopped , cooked and cleaned their house. It is utterly exhausting though. DIL’s parents live closer and do a lot.

Yes that would be fine but it’s not worth seven hours on a train with two young children .

I have suggested we book somewhere for all of us for a week in the summer instead of doing Xmas but there are problems with that work wise for them and my son dreads having to spend every Xmas with his in laws. They don’t want to stay at home .

Is it your son that has the two kids and will be at his in laws next year? If so next year will be less hectic AND you’re planning to move near them anyway - it sounds like you don’t have to worry too much about doing the two week hosting thing as you’ll all be able to do shorter visits.

Yes that’s the idea.

Presumably this behaviour is why his ex threw him out? Give him notice to get out and ignore the sob story. He needs to stop expecting women to facilitate his slobby ways.

he ended the relationship but thanks for your considered and empathetic approach, and you might like to re-read my post and realise he was visiting and does not live with me as he has just bought his own place so "give him notice to get out and ignore the sob story " is not applicable. And on Boxing Day he did do all the clearing up and washing up after we had guests round for a buffet.

At time of posting:
adult child has done fuck all, not so much as washed a cup or made me a hot drink. I have done all the cooking, cleaning and washing up. i am not young and I am exhausted

apologies my psychic link did not see he had since stopped being a waste of space.

Dinner in a restaurant. Family stay in the local Travelodge which can be booked way in advance.
Why the need to host and why do the same thing every year as if it’s non negotiable? What about the other side of the respective families?

Aah bless you, so glad I had the chance to update you, have a good 2026 with only good things coming your way . Hope you had a fab Christmas and unlike me did not feel the need to vent on an anoymous forum

I have no idea why you are being so hostile to that poster. You moaned about your adult son being lazy, the poster supported your complaint and agreed that he does indeed sound awfully lazy (he did in your first post) and you are now laying into her? Weird

@BunchOfShapes thank you, I was wondering if I imagined the first post complaining about a greedy, lazy son.

@lifeonmars100 bless you and your passive aggressive nonsense. I see why your son is such a diamond.

Because that only works if you all live in the same area. If guests are travelling long distances it’s different.

I've watched the in-laws dynamic for 30 years.
First PIL wanted the perfect, never grow up, Xmas for their 3 kids. DH meeting me upset that but for a long time the illusion of all 3 now 20 something's coming 'home' for Xmas held up.
Stupidly everyone played into 'you must be exhausted' for SIL teaching at long holiday private school and BiL on 6 weeks on/off well paid shifts.
They paid for nothing and never lifted a finger.

30 years on now with grand children and proper elderly parents but BIL & SIL still revert to those 1990s roles. It's heartbreaking.

So change the dynamic now before you are a weeping 85 year old with beds to change, leftover carnage and this year's broken item of furniture.

( We rocked up post Xmas, two evenings of main meals, puddings, did major DIY, cleared out regularly for space/naps and and still MIL told me my clothes looked like what she'd seen lying in the dog basket).

I laughed at this. Yes you are so right.

Book into a hotel/cottage/air b n b/ and tell everyone to book nearby and you come together for meals etc. This way you have time away from each other to do other things as well. Book for 3 days max and then you go your own separate ways for your own sanity.

That presupposes that all parties can afford an air b and b at Xmas, especially with small children and the additional costs of travel. Prices are double what they normally are. A lot of assumptions being made there.

I agree. Also the suggestions to go out for lunch at £100 a head for a pub Christmas lunch, which no doubt we would be expected to stump up for, this being Mumsnet where everyone can afford to spend £1500 on a single lunch. Meanwhile back in the real world…

Exactly. I wonder what planet some people live on sometimes.

go away for the season if you can afford it. All club together and get a cottage somewhere. Say you’re taking a step back and don’t want cook anymore, maybe go to a pub for Christmas lunch.

2 weeks is far too long. They want it as a break, my summer holiday is rarely more than 5 days!! It sounds as if the only way you’ll get a family Christmas altogether is to host - do something different next year and prepare them for change beyond that - delegate, if they can’t pay for meals then they can have a role in the house or take turns to help - it doesn’t all need to be on the hosts.

They do help but the sheer noise and mess and chaos is just utterly exhausting. They won’t be with us next year and one of the other children has said they will spend it with their partner . We have said we will do our own thing next year. I have been put off having the whole family for Xmas ever again. I’ve spent days cleaning and feel completely exhausted. I don’t want to do it again so they’ll just have to accept that. Even a week would be too long. The sad thing is I didn’t enjoy any of it at all.