Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Nice to see the Christmas spirit is alive and well on Mumsnet.

I think after Christmas you need to take some time to understand that if your father was 'grumpy and narcissistic' then he very likely was verbally/mentally abusive towards your mother who found freedom in his death. Yes it's hard to separate your grief and your mothers feelings but I think there's a middle ground to be found for recognising how awful her life must have been with him that she is feeling this way.
Also remember that the way their marriage was, would not always have been visible to you even living at home.
I do empathise as I've been in a similar situation but at the end of the day your mum is a human too and perhaps you need to unpack what her life might have been like.

You are not being cruel leaving her alone. Not everyone wants or can tolerate catering to others in their own environment and at their own tolerance levels being compromised. You definitely have to do what is right for you.

I don't think her relationship with your dad should be the deciding factor here. If she is pleasant to be around, you have no serious issues with her, and she is local, it would seem to be a no-brainer to me too (as for other PP) that I would have her over for Christmas lunch. And, is it really so much of a strain to have your mum over for lunch that you have to tell your brother that he needs to step up for next year? I wouldn't, personally, but it is down to your relationship and the personalities of your family members.

I think the holidays are conflating a lot of things for you OP, understandably. Your dad's death. His relationship with your mum. Your relationship with your mum. Your relationship with your brother and who provides what care/support to mum, esp at Christmas.

I would say for now deal with the issue in front of you - include your mum this year, on terms that feel comfortable to you.

We don't know you, your mum or your relationship, but it sounds very much like you'd feel bad if she was left on her own.

(In general I'm a "waifs and strays" type - I think that that is how best to embody the spirit of Christmas. But obviously that obligation ends when people, even family, are cruel or abusive.)

You’re a charmer, aren’t you! 🤣🤣. I was only making a suggestion to the OP, because I thought it was something she might want to consider if she and her family want to spend the day in pyjamas, and might help her mum to feel thst she fits in. I’ve popped into two supermarkets thjs afternoon, both of which are quiet and well stocked so it may not be an unreasonable thing for the op to consider.

Anyway, I hope you have the Christmas you deserve. 🙂

Shouldn’t a parent be able to hope/ assume they would be with their actual FAMILY on Christmas Day? She’s 80, how many friends would she have left? How mobile do you think she is?

God MN reminds me how breathtakingly selfish people can be.

OP, your mum, like many women of that age was stuck in a marriage and had few options in life. Instead of having some compassion, YOU are hurt? Even though you recognise your dad was a narcissist? Have you thought of trying to understand your mums point of view?

I couldn’t leave my mum on her own, definitely not. If my partner dies I’ll be on my own and I’m terrified it may happen one day. To be on your own on Christmas Day is very sad for most people 😢🎄🎅

I think you should invite your mum tbh

I could never leave my Mum alone Christmas day and wouldn't just ask if she's ok, I would say 'picking you up at...please feel welcome to stay over or we can take you back home." If she clearly didn't want to do it i would respect her wishes but somehow I don't think she would.

This year she's coming to ours, as last year, also a widow in her 80s. Please cherish these moments. Xxx

If your mother is widowed and lives nearby, I think it's pretty odd that you haven't invited her for Xmas Day.

Why drop her back around 3pm? That's halfway through the day! I would pick her up around 10-11 if that was OK with her, and drop her back about 10pm, unless she wanted to go home earlier.

I would personally have her over for dinner but you pick her up and drop her off back home and make it clear how long for. For example, if you eat at 2 I'd arrange to pick her up so that she arrived a few minutes before the food was served and I would arrange to drop her off home again at 5:00. It's only 3 hours out of your family Christmas but it could make a huge difference to her.

I've just read where you've mentioned what your mother has said about your father. He might have been your father and you might have loved him very much but her experience is still her experience and if the marriage really was that unhappy it might well have been a relief when he passed away.

I think you're being very unreasonable to not even ask. Sounds like you don't want her there to please your toxic mother in law.
Even if you said to your mum "do you want to come over for a couple of hours xmas day this year" there'd be no expectation for next year.
But is it seriously going to upset you 3 if your mum is there for a while. She probably doesn't have many Christmases left in her.

Your brother sounds just as selfish.

Is your mum ND too?

I think it's unreasonable to force company on someone who'd rather be left alone. Can you get a straight answer from her as to her preference?

If you're going to have her for Christmas day can you reallocate Boxing Day as your dinner in pyjamas day? (I'd love a Christmas day where I didn't have to get dressed or leave my own house)

It’s not your responsibility, but I would always include my mother on Christmas Day. Especially given she’s in her 80s and realistically won’t have too many left. I know once she was gone every Christmas I’d miss her and feel bad for leaving her alone.

she’s not even the toxic one. She must feel like nobody cares about her.

You could ask her and she could say no anyway! 😆
But I couldn't live with myself to not even ask.

I wouldn’t leave my mum alone on Christmas Day, nor my MIL. We’d prefer to be on our own but I make sure to include them every year. I think you should have asked.

I am speechless! I spent every Christmas Day of my life with my DM until her death at 88. I cannot believe anyone would think they could leave their 80 plus year old mother alone on Christmas Day, whether or not she said she was happy about it. The meaning of Christmas has truly bypassed you.

If you're having your mother over for lunch tomorrow could you allocate another day to being in your pyjamas? Your brother is happy to use geography as an excuse for not helping with your mother, are there any tasks you could pass to him - insurance renewals, arranging house repairs, hospital appointments etc?

Your post struck a chord, I lost my Dad one Christmas Eve and the next day his sister passed away. I wish I had them still, Christmas is never the same when you lose those you are closest to.
To the OP I would say see your Mum, you don't know how many more chances you will get.

Hard to give advice as I cannot ever imagine a situation where I wouldn’t see my mum on Xmas day if she was local and alone. She may have very few left so if it were me I’d want her at every one.
i think it’s sad if she’s alone and you are nearby. I just can’t understand why that would be. Collect her for dinner at least. You can have time alone the three of you the other days and all the Christmases in the years ahead when she’s no longer here.

Yep 👍