Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

100% agree with this. Sounds like your mother is being punished for MIL toxic behaviour. I think it is horrible for someone to be alone if there are relatives they could go to, especially if there are not special circumstances - like very small children, sickness in the house, etc etc.

I have enough issues I'm struggling to resolve to fill a book, hence why my MH could do with one day in pyjamas with my DH and DD but I'll see my mum as well because apparently otherwise I'm 'disgusting'.

With respect and to be fair @WakeupWho, I was answering your first post, and I didn’t know your family history. I am sorry about the death of your father, the loss of a parent is never easy, whatever your relationship. In your original post, you said you felt guilty - I think that tells you what you may need to do, let your feelings guide you, and I wish you all the best over the coming days. Take care.

Thank you, it's hard to know how much to put in the post otherwise it would have been a book so I know I can't accurately give all the backstory but thank you.

@Roobarbtwo I was being hypothetical. The DD’s situation in the future could be anything, as you say - married or not, partnered or not, gay or straight, children or not, etc. The point I was trying to make is that one day OP may be on her own at Christmas, with family nearby, and feeling lonely and sad.

OP I think it’s time to probably close the thread for your own good.
You have raised this issue as you probably knew you were being unreasonable leaving your mother alone on Christmas.

You have re evaluated and said you were going to ask her to come.

When your dad died 2 years ago and you were bagging him is a traumatic experience when it’s one of your own (myself has experienced this when my own husband aged 33 stopped breathing after an unexpected seizure).
However that won’t be the first thing in your mams head in regards to being alone for Christmas.

I didn't refer to you as disgusting. But what you've done on this thread is drip feed information about how awful your mum is when people have been challenging your position not to have her over for Christmas day.

I have mental health issues too and I know what difficult family dynamics can be like - but if you put a post like this up you are going to get different responses and ones you might not care for

Get over yourself. You chose to post the situation on Mumsnet giving no indication in your opening post that there was a complex emotional backstory with your mother, or that you were essentially doing Christmas with her the day before anyway. That’s what posters are reacting to; you don’t need to be such a martyr. Besides, your issues are clearly not going to be resolved by a day in pyjamas.

Prioritise your mental health, especially as I'm guessing not doing so could have a knock on effect to your family (including mum) anyway. My bf is always telling me not to light myself on fire to keep someone else warm. If that's how it would be for you then keep things as they are.

I mean it's Christmas eve and has she even said she's not happy to celebrate today instead? There's plenty of people I know who are celebrating on other days for many reasons.

Maybe OP wants to model that her kids can put themselves first and not place obligations on them. It’s fine OP, it’s one day. If she isn’t being honest about how she feels that’s her issue.

It doesn’t matter if you have the best relationship in the word with your parents - people are entitled to do what they want on Christmas Day and a good loving parent would wish you a nice time and look forward to seeing you on another occasion.

@WakeupWho a healthy message to your DD is not that you always have to be the one to step up every time, but rather that you do what you know is the right thing to do and don't really care what other people do.

You can't control their poor behaviour, but you can live by your own values.

Get her over for lunch. Doesn't have to be a dawn til dusk thing.

Yes we’ve had my mother for the last 9 years since she was widowed. Would my husband like a day for the 4 of us some years, probably, but it’s absolutely not something I’d do to my mum.

Its probably best for you to close this thread by reporting it and asking for it to be closed for your mental health. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Seeing her on Christmas eve is a perfectly good compromise. If you're ever unsure about a situation just ask yourself how you'd feel if it was your daughter/yourself. E.g. if my daughter saw me christmas eve but not christmas day, is that okay with me? If the answer is yes, then it's fine. That way you can gauge if your response to a situation is valid or not. I do this sometimes when I have doubts! Have a lovely christmas 🎄 😊

What a nasty, mean post. Full of the milk of human kindness, not.

the OP comes across as a very decent person, wanting to talk through their dilemma. What value have you added?

Invite your mum!

Keep to your original plan.

All your later updates show that it isn't as easy as it sounded in your opening post. They moved closer to you to get themselves of your DB's hands?

Yes, there is a lots of fixation on that one day - on both sides. People are suggesting to add that one day to everything else you do . You want to protect yourself on that one day.
If it is what you need now, just do it.
Maybe next year you can try to protect yourself a bit more during the year and maybe you will have capacity. Or not, Christmas eve is fine as well.

If your mum lives nearby then why can’t she come to yours on Christmas Day? Doesn’t need to be all day.

Tell your mum that she will be coming for dinner and that's that. Nobody, especially a close relative living close by should be along on Christmas Day. Its just ludicrous and cruel. Let her come for dinner then get her home asap before it becomes stressful.

This! I have a tricky relationship with my mum. We don’t see her very often but my DD has noticed how I speak to her on the phone. So I’ve really tried to be more patient with her in general. It’s hard though.. she drives me nuts!

All credit to you OP for listening to other posters and changing your stance. Maybe you could pop out to sainsburys and get your mum a new pair of pyjamas so she can join in with you all wearing them for the day. I hope you have as good a day as you can

I think it’s fine to see her Xmas eve. People get so obsessed with it having to be on 25th. Are you planning on spending some quality time with her at Xmas? Yes you are. Is that time less valuable if it’s on 24th instead of 25th? No it’s not. We are celebrating Xmas on 26th this year due to fitting in with our daughter’s boyfriend’s family. Does it matter? No. When I look back on it in 10 years will I remember that it was the wrong day on the calendar or the lovely family day that we had? For us the 25th is Xmas eve and 26th is xmas day maybe for your mum 24th is Xmas day and 25th is Boxing Day. Who cares whether it was Wednesday or Thursday that you celebrated with her.

Sounds to me as though Xmas day isn’t the real issue you here. Seems like you are fed up bending over backwards for a selfish woman the other 364 days of the year. I’m not sure what she typically expects you to do that you don’t want to do but maybe reset her expectations for the new year and start putting yourself first more. Make sure you have a short dose of her if you see her Xmas and spend most of your time happy with your daughter.

@Growlybear83

a) who the fuck wants to be going to supermarket on Christmas Eve for a totally unnecessary purchase??

b) what if OP’s mother doesn’t want to be in pyjamas all day? Hard for her to say no if is she knows a pair have been bought specifically for her…