Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Well OP, there is a likelihood you are going to be left on your own for Christmas one day… so I suppose led by example for your daughter!

You are not responsible for her happiness.

I also have a DM in her 80s who lives locally and we won't be seeing her on xmas day. She'll be alone and the reason is in part due to her own behaviour and life choices. I was alone at christmas as a young teen and I learned to cope with it like she'll have to now. I have a brother who may or may not visit her - we don't speak in part due to DM ruining our relationship. I've spent over 35 miserable Christmases with her and now I have my own DC I want to start a new tradition for my family and I want to actually enjoy xmas and not endure it.

I am going to say that I do think you are being unreasonable. I work with the elderly and I see firsthand the pain and the heartache of people basically being treated as a burden and put out to pasture so to speak. This is the woman who raised you and unless there is any bad blood, make a bloody effort. You don't know how long you have with your loved ones. I just cannot fathom leaving either of my parents on their own, that's just unnecessarily heartless.

If you were your mother, and due to spend Christmas alone, what would you want to do?

I'd at least offer to see her sometime on Christmas day. Older people often like to tell brag to their mates about how family looked after them at Christmas.

hmm maybe your auntie is exceptionally independent and upbeat? The 80 year olds I know (my mum) would behave much more passively and hoping to be invited but don’t want to be a burden. Also people who have been single all their life are probably more proactive than someone recently widowed

I think a lot of people want ‘their day with their little family’ but don’t think that they can have said say any day of the year. Any day! But Christmas Day is when the world is told they’ll have a special day. So people who don’t regularly get to see family actually get this one day where others think of them. This is like the birthday thing- I think we all need to start having more special days with both family and friends!!

We did this, it's just me and DP -my parents fought tooth and nail about who we should go to and my partner's parents started to kick up as well so we just said we stay on our own and see none of the parents over Christmas- I would alternate my birthday (31 Dec) sometimes. I only softened on this when both my parents got sick, when I was 60.

Yes I completely concur with you & I truly believe original commenter deep down, will resonate with this - Which I believe, is why her kind compassionate conscience, has brought her here
💚🫂💚

I am the widow in her eighties. Thank goodness I have loving daughters who would never leave me alone on xmas Day. And I live an hour away from them one and 1half from other.
I would pretend to be OK even if I wasn't.
Your poor mum. Only 3 of you. And not inviting her. Cruel and hearless spring to mind .

The dramatics about how hosting your mum will affect your mental health and long drawn out rants about your brother and setting an example to your Dd seem pretty weak justifications.

I completely agree. OP will probably regret this after her mum is gone. It’s very sad this question even needed asking.

Your reasoning is blatantly flawed. Everything screams that her mother is toxic, at least a little. And she's an adult who says one things then guilt trips everyone after for respecting her decisions.

No, leave people like that exactly where they say they want to be left.

What? No. We are not obliged to take one burdens that diminish us. Her mother is a manipulator if even just a little. If any 80 year old woman says she doesn't mind being alone, then you respect that. Yay feminism. Her body, her choice, right?

I can sympathise having a v challenging DM who I have been running around after as she has done her best to distance herself from everyone, has health needs and has become more demanding on my time. I’ve been to hers almost every day for the last week. She actually hates Christmas (always has done), hates the meal, and has got to the point where she doesn’t want to come round (Christmas or other days). It would be too much for her if we took Christmas to her. She’s therefore not coming round, but I’ll go to hers and spend a bit of time with her today whist DH cooks. We’ve done 24 Christmasses with her criticising and wanting to leave early. DB has a more challenging relationship, lives a couple of hours away and has never had her. I’m also trying to show my DC what decent boundaries look like, but they’ll be coming with me to hers to spend a bit of time and take her presents.
Theres too much pressure for everyone to have a perfect day and when she is no longer here, I’ll be able to say I’ve done my best to support her in her final years rather than - how great was it that I forced her to make merry when she didn’t want to for the sake of one day!

Well done you for always saying how you feel. I was brought up to say I was Ok even when I'm not, to keep going when I'd rather give up and smile sweetly and say yes of course I don't mind if you ....

While I'm more aware of these issues, changing a lifetime's thought process into different actions is not simple.

Maybe mum wants to be ok alone but isn't, doesnt make her toxic.

I had parents that made my life hell for 40 years. My mother ran off with my fathers best friend, a few years later my father then married the wife of that friend. They caused so much turmoil for me and my sister, with refusal to speak or be civil. Every Christmas, every birthday, every christening, every wedding, every major event for the grandchildren was spoilt by their bitching, arguments over where the other party would be sitting, or placed, not to mention the fact that they both hated the fact that we refused to take sides. Eventually their partners both died and they were alone, then the passive aggression over who would be spending Christmas with whom. We were then expected to be carers for them both, running around after them, appointments etc.

Having said all that I could never have left one of them alone on Xmas Day, so we took it in turns, and even that was not good enough. They are both gone now but I would still do the same.

Have your mother on Xmas day, do the pyjamas thing on Xmas Eve.

Surely it should be taken for granted that she's coming.

In your situation I’d have invited my mother for Christmas Day, picked her up in the morning and dropped her home late afternoon, but that’s just me.

Christmas Day is one day of the year. Frankly people should put themselves out to include all family members that want to come. Unless they are highly toxic and destructive other behaviour can be shrugged off or laughed at.

the self indulgence shown by some MN posters is frankly sickening. The people that you are talking about are your parents. The ones that sat up with you at night when you were ill, that kept you clean , fed and clothed. Who loved you.

they may be old and cranky now but you will be too one day and your own children are being taught by you, how to treat you, when you are old.

You don't know the complexities of every widowed parent! My mum is widowed and would refuse to go to any of our houses for Christmas, she's also a 72 mile round trip from me so not up the road to just pop in and she doesn't want to host Christmas at her house either. Her and my widowed aunt usually spend the day together but my aunt said she's not there today as my mum is still getting over flu. You've got to remember that not every parent is a social butterfly and some are mentally abusive! Never automatically assume anyone is cruel.

Then, in part, you were raised wrong. Always tell it how it is. Deception benefits no one.

The OP specifically used the word "toxic" and the woman's behaviour reflects that.

I always have a rule with adults. Ask twice. If they don't change their answer, then that's the end of it.

I'm sorry you think you need to lie to keep the peace, but it isn't peace to deceive, it's cowardice. Any intention to save someone's feelings is a bandage on a wound that never heals.

Would give anything to spend Christmas with my mother. She died suddenly in 1995 when I was 25.
Cherish what you've got and give some time and love to her

So many people making such big assumptions! What happens if that parent doesn't want to.come to a Christmas gathering and insists they prefer being at home having a quiet day! My mum doesn't like going anywhere for Christmas and coming to me would cause problems even if she could be persuaded, I would have to do 145 miles of driving on Christmas day to get her and take her back, she's refuse to leave her dog and it would seriously stress my cats out to bring a dog here. The OP has already said it was stressful for her mother as much as anyone else the last time they had her over.

The mother does have a choice and they don't always want to go socialising on xmas day, life isn't always straightforward with a parent.