Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

Hey OP, I hope today went ok fir you and I just wanted to say bot to beat yourself up due to all the judgemental horribleness on this thread! My mum is a widow too and she is complex and can be mentally abusive. Some people don't realise that not every parent is desperate to socialise at Christmas or necessarily wants to. There aren't always great solutions to these things, my mum doesn't want to come to me or anyone for Christmas and it would be a nightmare of she did because she'd bring her dog and my cats have never been exposed to dogs which would be stressful all round, I'd have to drive 145 miles on Xmas day to pick her up and take her back. You are not at all unreasonable! It's not as easy as everyone thinks and you are right about boy teaching your daughter to be a doormat and the people on here guilt tripping you for that are the problem! They are basically insinuating that we should all.be subservient to our parents even to our own detriment!

I always spend Christmas with my DH and my adult son (47) who is mildly ND and very irritating. He drives me mad and annoys my DH even more. I also usually see my DD and her children which makes things easier with my son. We’re all away together this year, I’ve bought and cooked all the food and feel exhausted.
I gave him a lift here and now he’s throwing a tantrum because I don’t want to go home until Monday and he doesn’t want to pay a train fare. I really would love a Christmas without him but don’t want to leave him alone. Am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life?

I would invite her to my place, not to drive to brother though. Two years widowed is still very recent.

Having said that though, don't feel bad if she declines and says she'd rather be home. Having Christmas alone at home would be fine by me.

Sorry, I think this is mean. 😢 wouldn’t leave anyone out like that. There’s no reason to not invite her. I couldn’t enjoy the day knowing my 80 year old
mum was alone.

@WakeupWho so did you have your DM for Christmas Day I’ve only just seen this thread

This totally.

So your mum is paying for you trying to avoid your MIL kicking off? That's incredibly unfair.

As for your neuro-diversity, there are only three of you and adding her makes four. I'm not sure how that makes enough difference for you to think it to hard to have her in the day (when presumably four isn't too much on Christmas Eve)

You think that now whilst you’re young. You won’t necessarily feel that way when you’re in your 80s. Your comments about just having one day with your husband and daughter are just demonstrating your selfishness in this. There will be other ‘one days’ for that (Boxing Day, New Years Day, Easter, general bank holidays). Christmas magnifies any sense of loneliness or sense of vulnerability. Most people from their late 70s become aware of their vulnerabilities.

I could not leave someone on their own. You are showing your daughter that it is OK to do so and one day you mayvbe the person on her own.

Whether I was raised wrong is absolutely irrelevant here, its how I, and many of my generation were raised.

Deception does benefit, X says I don't want you Y to come to us for xmas, Y says that's fine, I'm happy here on my own, it benefits X.

X can have their own little party without being concerned for Y, Y meanwhile can't then change their position bc its apparently 'Toxic'. If we all think of ourselves first, the world is a sadder place than it needs to be.

Maybe I'm not the one brought up wrong after all? .

I didn't invite DB this year, despite knowing he'll be on his own. We lost DM a couple of years ago and DSis is with her in-laws this year. I invited some family over, but with myself, DP and DS it was still quite small, 6 of us.

I considered inviting him but he would have made the whole day about him. Drank too much. Been too loud. Drove the others to leave earlier. It might have made his day better but everyone else's would have been worse.

Wrong overall.

Wtf? Leave her alone? If I was in your shoes, I would have her coming for xmas eve, stay over and then also spend xmas day. It’s your mother!!! How would you feel if you DD leaves you alone in your 80s??! And aslo what are you teaching your kid? I previously invited people that are not even super close to me for Christmas day cause I knew they couldn’t go back to their countries for Christmas, let aside a family member! It’s nice to be nice!

But if the 25th is just a number and what about all the other days etc then why can’t you have your MH pyjama day literally any other day? What is to stop you doing that on the 27th, for example?

My Dad died over 10 years ago and for years after me and my siblings would all ask Mum if she wanted to come for Christmas dinner/tea, she came to mine once (she'd had a bad few months healthwise so probably tired and not got the enthusiasm to make the effort) but every other year she has done Christmas dinner herself. We usually visit in the afternoon and there's often one of my siblings there with their children. If she says no to your invitation then there's nothing else you can do (and she can't complain about not being included or being lonely) I do agree your brother should do more but you're unlikely to change him if he's old enough to have grown-up children.

You have clearly chosen to ignore comments like mine that explain why some of these situations are far from straightforward! Your mother isn't the same as everybody else's mother! It's not about leaving anybody out! This isn't kids in a playground having to be told to let everyone join in! Not every parent wants to be sociable at Xmas, especially after the loss of a partner. People have choices and that includes the elderly parent! They don't have to have Christmas with you just because you want to look like the family hero!

What about the OPs wellbeing? She said she did this whole family Xmas thing before and everybody found it stressful including the mother! I wish some of you could see inside the world of somebody whose widowed mother is anti social and mentally abusive! You might be lucky enough to not have a parent like that but at least have decency towards those that don't! Maybe she doesn't herself and daughter to have to listen to her mother bitching about her late father all Xmas! You've no idea what it's like to be around someone like that!

If it's nice to be nice then why are you attacking the OP? Why are you berating her because it's difficult having her mother over even though she said it was stressful for everyone last time including her mother! We don't live in a fairytale land where all mothers are sweet and wonderful and want to come to your house! My mum doesn't even ring me! She often cancels my visits and doesn't want to anyones house for Christmas! Losing my dad brought out the worst of my mum's mental health issues, my dad was a wonderful and tolerate man but she'll but she'll say shit things about him so I know what it's like for the OP. Not everybody's world matches yours.

I gave my opinion and that is still my opinion! This is a forum where posters ask for opinions, not sure why you’re now upset because I haven’t agreed with you or others.

Urgh your DB sounds awful! Inheritance isn't guaranteed! It's your mum's money to spend on herself until she dies. I got an inheritance simply because both my parents died in their 70s, didn't have time to spend it on their own end of life care due to short illnesses/cancer & my dad had been frugal with money all his life. I'd much rather they'd lived longer. I can't bear it when I hear of absentee family members queuing up for money from relatives/parents they rarely visited and clearly didn't care that much about.

Because people are being really dismissive about what it's like to have a narcissistic or mentally abusive parent! If you can't see it or appreciate it, how can you judge anyone for it? My mum used to beat the shit out of me as a kid for no reason, she tries to play me, my brother and my aunt off against each other but fails because we care about each other. It's upsetting seeing so many people tear apart someone for not being subservient to their mother when clearly you haven't had a problematic parent. None of you are willing to read the valid poi yes being made which is unfair!

Personally I’d have invited her. I think that’s quite cruel .
Realistically, she probably won’t be able to soon so it’s not like it’s a long term thing

You’re judging me because I think it’s cruel to leave a parent out. It’s ok for me to say I find it cruel and I would never do it.

i also had a neglectful childhood and I was on the at risk register for many years and in emergency foster many times. I had an alcoholic mother who often left me overnight and had all sorts of men coming & going. Consequently, my sister was then also an alcoholic and died young.

But…I have chosen to forgive my Mum and despite everything, she’s my mum and there’s no way I’d leave her out.

Personally I’d never leave my mum alone, I’d of invited Her to yours. X

It's personal choice plus as I've said previously, some of us have mothers who don't want to go anywhere at Xmas or host us! It's not straightforward! I haven't judged you, I've asked you not be the judge and tell everybody that they must do what you do!