Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

Not really
They are your parents
I would be gutted to be left alone at Christmas

I think it is not the hosting your parents that’s exhausting it’s picking and dropping. Could you invite them but leave it up to them to sort out their own transport to get to yours and back?

if they can’t do that, then I feel you have tried.

Othet less ideal option is to go to their with food?

i dislike the pressure Christmas puts on people. Luckily we are away thie Christmas

Op how do you think they'd feel if you suggested doing Christmas dinner in their house?

That would remove 2 hours of driving from your day. Rather than going to get them and then dropping them back off.

Thanks for the replies.

@Truetoself yes the picking and dropping is really draining and means not having a glass of wine with dinner. (After a late night sorting DS's presents and an early rise as the Santa excitment) I suspect this is why my siblings don't invite them. I'm just really surprised they aren't making any plans at all to see them, especially in the circumstances.

My parents absolutely wouldn't sort any other transport out. Taxis would be the only feasible option and there's just no way they'd do that, we've been there on that issue before and it's not worth revisiting.

I imagine taxis would be wildly expensive on Christmas day without it being 2 x 1 hour journeys.

Other options could they stay with you Christmas Eve or Christmas Day into Boxing Day.

I think inviting them on boxing is fine. I get the impression that Christmas isn’t a massive deal to your overall family unit if you’re not spending it with extended family, and this issue hasn’t been resolved already being so close to Christmas (I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this - just an observation)

can’t you just outright ask your siblings whether they can host your parents this year as you did last year?

havent your parents mentioned Christmas Day at all?

A tradition hasn't really bedded in since it stopped being our parents 9 years ago. We all married and had kids late so it was the same for 40 years!

I hosted the whole family the first 2 years, babies arrived for siblings then so easiest for us to host. We suggested turn taking after that so my sister did the next year. I can't remember what happened the next year but I know my brother and his wife have never done it. There were the covid years where nobody got together. Then we had DS and decided to have a really quiet Xmas at home with him for his first. After that we did Boxing day buffet for a couple of years to get everyone together without it being as pressured at a full sit down meal, because nobody else offered any alternative. My sister did a Boxing day and my brother does NY eve most years but without inviting our parents.

My dad still drove until a couple of years ago so that part wasn't an issue. But as it now has to be lifts I think they just don't want to do it. DS & DSIL mooted driving over with plates of dinner last year, which I couldn't see the point of. If you're going all that way why not pick them up anyway? It's the companionship not a lukewarm plate of microwaved food they want.

As with most families there are complexities in the relationships. Asking outright, particularly right now would possibly ignite something which probably wouldn't help. I've waited thinking surely one of them will offer to have mum and dad, but it doesn't seem they have. I'm seeing my parents tomorrow so will ask if they have plans then when they say no, I'll ask them if they want to come over I suppose, because what else can I do?

I think Boxing Day would be fine. If they get to come over and see you all and have a nice, family day I don't think it much matters whether that's on the 25th or 26th.

If it would possible for them to stay then I'd pick them up before Christmas lunch and take them home Boxing Day evening. That would be the best solution.

Do they mind about the lack of decorations and Christmas cheer at home? If they do, I'd be helping to tackle that as well.

Can you not have an open conversation about this with your siblings?

It's complicated. One sibling is very difficult the other just oblivious. I could put something in group chat but imagine one would ignore completely and the other would explode about it at some future time in a way that would be very cruel and out of proportion. We had a recent explosion just before mum had her fall, so having to communicate around that has been like walking through a minefield. I think it's one of the reasons I feel so shattered currently.

Apparently my dad told sibling not to bother as "I'll be dead soon" regarding the decorations. I think they are getting low and wonder how neither of my siblings seem to understand or care that it's because they have little to look forward to, and that can be amplified at Christmas.

I am going to invite them over for Boxing day. It's what I feel I can manage and it's a trip out for them when it looks like nothing else is going to be proposed.

@Changedforadvicetheir transport issue is not your problem. You only make it your problem if you want to. Taxis are expensive in UK. But if it was important for them then they could have saved throughout the year for it. Do they not go anywhere else?

Can you not visit them and take them out for lunch on Boxing Day instead of bringing them over to yours? If you remove this factor then the whole prospect is less daunting?

Lots of people make their parent's problems their problems. It's part of caring for each other.

How about telling siblings that you're happy to host but would appreciate some help with lifts?

They're 89 years old, with increasing mobility issues. They've never used taxis, I think at this point it would be quite daunting for them to try. They have the money, they just would never justify spending it on a taxi, I don't know why, but that's how it is. That's something that really isn't worth wasting time fighting over.

I'd personally go and get them and host them for Christmas if it were me, but if you'd rather boxing day, do that. Do you have a guest room so they could stay over and stretch out the driving a bit?

That's a possibility, but does get me back to the point of why couldn't they host if they're going to that effort anyway? I suspect not being able to have a drink on Christmas day is a large factor into why the don't offer. One sibling lives closer to me than the other so if they picked up they could still drink and I'd drop off. It's worth a try.

Hosting is really not my forte. I don't have much space, not a great cook, just doesn't come naturally to me. One of my siblings is brilliant at hosting. I'd therefore be willing to contribute in whatever way would help her continue so doing the lifts for me would be a winner.

We moved recently and don't have beds for guests yet. They sleep in separate rooms so there's no way we could manage that at the moment unfortunately. At their age I honestly don't think they'd want to stay over, anyway, they have routines that are very fixed and even walking up unfamiliar stairs is a big task.

Nae pockets in a shroud.

Also point out the savings they are making not running a car that could go towards the taxi costs.

It isn't really the money any more. It's the unknown experience, interacting with unknown people when you're vulnerable have poor mobility and poor hearing. They just wouldn't manage it.

I get you. And I hear what you are saying about people getting set in their ways.

Could you talk to them, giving them two options, you visit on Christmas Day and make dinner at there's or they come to yours on Boxing Day?

I mean this kindly but yes I would host them OP, in this situation.

I'd cut back on the rest of the xmas day experience/hosting to save energy if necessary. I'd cook a simple lunch for them (plenty of nice ready made food available) and how much prep does a house need for Xmas for one four year old.

What about a taxi one way, you could call the taxi and get them in it, so no interaction needed.

@NuffSaidSamof course they do and in addition some people feel they need to solve other’s problems. It IS possible to care without making other’s problems your own.
If people are happy making other people’s problems their own then that’s fine. I don’t get that impression from OP.

I too think Boxing Day is fine. I think whilst it’s frustrating with your siblings (it also sounds like their children are older than yours?) you ultimately would feel bad if they do not have an invitation over the Christmas period and would carry that guilt with you. Whilst it’s more work it feels like you will regret not doing it which might long term weigh heavier.

It doesn’t feel that if and when your parents decline or need further care you may end up being the default child. That might be something you need to prepare yourself for either by coming up with a plan with you siblings to protect from that or by coming to terms with it.

Definitely ask the siblings if they can help with lifts. I would keep it open to both ways at first and not offer the pick up only unless it’s the only option.