Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

I think they'll be fine with Boxing Day, they certainly won't say they're not or complain. I'm pretty certain they'll be delighted with whatever food they're served, and be amazed at how much there is, admire the tree, laugh at daft cracker jokes and they'll thanks us profusely for having them, all the effort we've gone to and tell us often how wonderful our little boy is. It's more me feeling guilty about it. And also annoyed at my siblings for not considering my parents, and to a lesser extent me.

At the risk of be self pitying, I got so worn down last year over a few moths that I ended up in hospital with what turned out to be sepsis. My son was only 2 at the time and it was terrifying. I've promised I'm not going to push myself into exhaustion again, there's too much at stake. Trying to keep everyone happy is so hard though. I just don't understand how both siblings can just so casually defer all responsibility in these circumstances. It's heartless and at odds with how they treat mum and dad usually.

Thank you for this. I feel completely understood by your reply, which I think is what I was looking for.

You're absolutely right that I'll regret not doing it more than I'll regret the extra effort.

Merry Christmas

@Changedforadvice I really feel for you OP. I think (often as women) we spend all year juggling work, the organising for everything, and then Christmas.....that by the time you get to Christmas you just want a break and you're exhausted. And I don't think you should feel guilty at all or responsible fro your parents as its your Christmas too. Of course noone wants to spend 4 hours driving when youd rather be relaxing and with your kids. Have you asked your parents what they want to do?
I'm abroad but come over the week before Christmas with my son and we stay with my mum but see my dad every day (they're not together). I always feel guilty as my 82 yo dad is alone on Christmas day and has been for a few years - he is always invited to friends but declines. But logistically I can't find a way to make it work for everyone. We do a Christmas lunch together the week we are home and lots of meet ups each day. But this year my mum will come to spend Christmas with us. I've thought about coming over for Christmas and renting a house to accommodate everyone but financially it's too expensive for us. And my son has ASD anyway so when we've stayed at my mums or MIL it's been a nightmare. I know my dad understands and I'm sure your parents do too, and would want you to take the break you need to on Christmas day to have it with your DH and kids and not trek about/relax. Do something with your parents on a different day or go an visit them, probably works better for them anyway then going back and forth if they have mobility issues

Boxing Day is fine. You really need to prioritise your own health and wellbeing here OP and your siblings need to step up

Another option is do Boxing Day, but take it to them. That way you’re only doing one return journey rather than two. It must also be exhausting for them at nearly 90 to have to travel down and back in one day.

They have the money, they just would never justify spending it on a taxi,

I think this is really important. You’re saying they could afford to get a taxi to you, Saving you from losing 4 hours out of your Christmas Day with ds and saving you from exhaustion. They just don’t want to. That’s their choice then.
I would invite them but it’s completely reasonable to not want to do that drive. If they’re genuinely no bother and you have the space could they come to you (or a near by air BnB) a few days before so you can get them Christmas Day or they can get a taxi much easier? It sounds like your parents are not helping themselves and siblings won’t help them and so it’s become your responsibility and that’s one thing if they really can’t help themselves but they can.

Well or part of parents training one from an early age that their problems are yours to solve. If as op says they never go out , had a car but dont now have that expense then I suspect they can afford a taxi.

Completely agree. They aren’t really that bothered about coming op I’d suggest otherwise they’d jump at the taxi solution.

I have my elderly DM every year as other siblings don't have suitable accommodation. However, a DB picks her up and brings her to me before going to his adult children's. It's a pain not having a drink but leaving her at home would be worse.

Personally I couldn’t leave my parents on their own on Christmas day
I wouldn’t enjoy my day knowing they were on their own

I'm not sure it is possible to really care for someone without taking on some of their problems as your own, particularly extremely close relationships like your children, parents and spouse.

"My elderly Mum has cancer/dementia/a broken hip but I won't be troubling myself to drive her anywhere/visit her in the hospital/help her at home as it's not my problem" is not compatible with being a caring person.

The fundamental action of caring both for the young and the elderly is making their problems yours. Am I to tell the baby that she should sort her own shitty nappy...it's her problem if she can't use the toilet after all. Why should I make it my problem?!

Pick them up then knock back a couple of glasses of wine (oops, silly me, forgot!) so a taxi home (booked in advance) is the only option?

I absolutely feel your pain OP! I think you’re doing the best you can, and it sounds like they will enjoy Boxing Day which feels like a great compromise…

The pressure of Christmas is horrendous as a Mum, wife/parter, daughter and Daughter in law… we try so hard to meet everyone’s needs and wants yet it feels no one actually gets what they want, least of all us!! Sorry… maybe that’s just my family! but I empathise!

My mum is on her own hundreds of miles away, and still expects us and our kids to spend Christmas with her, and I feel too guilty to leave her alone whilst my in-laws complain about the fact we do this despite the fact they have other children to see (we did used to combine with us hosting but post covid no one wants to travel) My older kids now want to be at home as they want to see their friends and socialise.. I’m knackered from major surgery and the pressure to get everything done…

I wish we could find a compromise!

At their age (89 is a great age to reach) and with frailty and poor health it is far more difficult for them to have a change in routine or stay over. Some pp don't appear to have any understanding of older people at all!
I hope one of your siblings can share the load transport wise at least and Boxing Day sounds a good compromise. 💐

If they are really set in their ways, deep down they might prefer the Boxing Day option. Do they still cook? Can they have an easy M&S Christmas dinner? Presumably if nothing has been discussed, they have made some plans to eat.

I would also revisit the taxi option. A pre-booked, pre-paid option would give them some certainty and might reassure them. If seeing family at Christmas matters to them, it’s a good compromise. If they choose not to travel, you shouldn’t feel guilty about their choices.

Having been through the elderly parents/children/teens sandwich years, with added pressure from separated in-laws and shift work limiting our days off, I would never throw shade at anyone who felt not able to host. Sometimes you can’t please everyone and trying to just leads to a miserable time all round.

Could you maybe collect them on boxing day (or the weekend following to give yourself some space) and send them home by taxi?

This.

That seems like a very challenging situation for you . I also totally get the guilt . I think it is easy to say I will just do X , but then know you will feel guilty .
I also appreciate the family dynamics at play and that you are trying to tread softly with your siblings . I think we can all become entrenched in our family roles and others will assume you will do Y as you always have .
I think the only thing you could do if you do want to try Christmas Day rather than Boxing Day is ask politely on the group chat if one of your siblings could drop your parents off at yours . That way you would only have one car journey . Try and be as matter of fact as you can . May well fall on deaf ears , but at least you have tried .

Don't let them be on their own.

As a single parent with two DC, I used to host the whole family every single year. Plus buying and wrapping presents, picking up parents and grandparents, trying to keep up excitement for DC, neices and nephews, my siblings plus all the cooking, cleaning, everything. And paying for it all. I remember one year, about 5pm, I kept falling asleep because I was exhausted. My DM ended up dragging me out of the house for a walk because I wasn't allowed to fall asleep, I had to keep going.

I'm 54 now. DC have long left home and now I spend Christmas alone. Every now and then I'll see an advert or hear a festive song and think oh yes, it's Christmas!

Enjoy your DPs whilst you still have them and be grateful you have family to spend time with.

Not ideal, but you have a husband and one child? No way would I leave my elderly, poorly parents alone in Christmas Day. You said they are no bother. It’s no more than a slight inconvenience.

I would never want my family tying themselves up in knots over the Christmas period about a hypothetical but unworkable hosting scenario. I would want them to enjoy their Christmas. From what you’ve shared OP, it doesn’t sound like they’re too bothered about spending the day at home with one another.

Speak to your siblings

However you mention how it's been a hard year with relatives dying ... Possiblity your parents may die in the next 12 months would you really want their last Xmas to be spent alone with no festivities?

Also 4 is not a young young child it's a 4 yr old they are relatively self sufficient especially on a day Santa comes and there's lots of toys to keep them busy

I think you and your siblings need to get a plan together fast and sort out having your parents at one of your houses

My in laws have been similar, and I’m also the default host, despite having less money, smaller kids etc. The pick up and drop off is a killer and mine wouldn’t handle a taxi either - terrified of the thought.

A couple of years ago we found a nice Airbnb studio for them to stay in Xmas night, and the year after a hotel only a few mins drive away. Made it much easier, if that’s affordable (and if it’s not, you could suggest they pay or you share it? I think I made it their Christmas present but I can’t quite remember because OH YEAH, MY BRAIN IS FRAZZLED FROM THE MENTAL FKN LOAD OF ALL THIS SHITE but you get the drift and maybe it’s an option xx

Its 4 hours driving. I don't know that I'd call that a slight inconvenience. Its probably the best part of a tank of fuel too.

Op youve offered up the taxi option. They at least have each other.

Just a thought for the future, would they consider moving closer to the family? As they age and start to need support, 4hrs for a visit would really kill your weekens

Have they been good kind parents to you all ..
If so ,,you could get a rota going where you all have them on one day each ,so Christmas eve , Christmas day and boxing day .and between the adult children could you not all go over and spend an hour making sure they have decorations up and food in the house .
Just saying that's the least Id do if I'd had kind caring parents
But maybe your like me and you didn't have .,sorry if that's the case xx