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Original poster

Inviting mum and dad or not?

232 replies

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 01:03

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 22/12/2025 09:50

So glad it is sorted. We had a similar situation with an older relative for many years. Looking back I am glad that she never spent a Christmas Day alone but at the time it was hard work.

4forksache · 22/12/2025 09:55

I think you ask a sibling to pick up at least.
if not I’d give them options.
”I can’t spend four hours in the car on Xmas day mum and dad. It’s not fair on child and I’m exhausted at the moment too. We can pick you up and organise a taxi for you home. You won’t have to do anything except get in and out of it. Or we can do Boxing Day instead. Or you can come over and stay in a hotel. What would you prefer to do?”
Then it’s their choice

4forksache · 22/12/2025 10:01

What compromise did you eventually come up with?

dottiedodah · 22/12/2025 10:02

I would do Boxing Day .TBH how would you get a taxi anyway on Christmas day? If you pop over with some mince pies ,and maybe a Poinsetta or something tomorrow .Just say Happy Christmas and look forward to seeing you on Boxing Day .

CherryBlossom321 · 22/12/2025 10:39

rookiemere · 22/12/2025 09:44

And a 4 hr drive that you have conveniently forgotten to mention.

Show quote history

Quite! Plus the fact that OP was seriously ill last year and is still recovering. People just ignore the bits that don’t line up with their own narrative, projection usually.

JudgeJ · 22/12/2025 10:51

Ilovemychocolate · 21/12/2025 01:15

Not really
They are your parents
I would be gutted to be left alone at Christmas

Some people, when they get older, don't want all the razzmatazz of yet another Christmas, especially if it gets loud with children's excitement, teenagers sulking, adults arguing! If they really don't want to be involved then it's wrong to push it on them, I know it makes their children better but it has to be their decision. My late MIL would come to stay with us over Christmas but one year she said she didn't want to come, it was too hectic for her, and we didn't even fall out across the table!

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 12:01

Kagoule · 22/12/2025 09:45

I agree @PurpleSky300 the OP has a million excuses and seems to have regressed to a childish whinge about her siblings (“well if THEY aren’t why should I?)

No wonder her dad is depressed and waiting to die!

You are blaming her dad’s depression and wanting to die on the op? What a nasty person you are.

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 12:05

Why , when there are two of you, are you deemed to be alone ? Not just this thread loads of others. Alone means one surely. All these parents I assume are with the person they have chosen to spend their life with !

Raisondeetre · 22/12/2025 12:07

TorroFerney · 22/12/2025 12:05

Why , when there are two of you, are you deemed to be alone ? Not just this thread loads of others. Alone means one surely. All these parents I assume are with the person they have chosen to spend their life with !

Very true!!

Lifestooshort71 · 22/12/2025 12:30

4 x 1-hr drives isn't as daunting as a 4-hr drive (which this seems to have become)

Needspaceforlego · 22/12/2025 12:51

Lifestooshort71 · 22/12/2025 12:30

4 x 1-hr drives isn't as daunting as a 4-hr drive (which this seems to have become)

It's still a lot of time out of someone's day.

Its leaving the house at 11ish not back until 1ish then leaving again about 7 or 8 not back until 9 or 10. By then the LO will be exhausted and in bed.
While also trying to host and sort dinner.

The Op has a young child to think about. This might be the first Christmas they really understand the whole Santa magic.

I'm totally on the fence but I think if they were open to other options like a taxi or staying over it would be a whole lot more manageable. But I also understand older people often feel most comfortable in their own space.

And it won't be a 10 sec turn around at the other end, they'll be coffee, pee stops, or my in-laws favourite - can you have a look at x while your here its noo working!,

NearlyMonday · 22/12/2025 13:19

OP - don't leave us hanging, what compromise did you come up with?

Truetoself · 22/12/2025 14:28

OP probably don’t want us commenting on their decision hence not telling us ……

Needspaceforlego · 22/12/2025 15:20

I think shes sticking with Boxing Day. As much as shes feeling guilty about them missing out of Christmas Day.

TBH I think that might be better for them too, rather than dealing with an overexcited half slept 4yo on Christmas Day.

rookiemere · 22/12/2025 16:31

Actually rereading OPs posts, she says that last year DB and DSIL offered to drive over to DPs with Christmas dinner for them to heat up on the day, but OP rejected that as not being enough company for them, but actually thinking about it, it seems a reasonable compromise. DPs would be happy to see one of their DCs, would not have to travel and would get a christmas dinner and then a more full on day for Boxing Day. Hopefully that is what has transpired.

Archie45 · 22/12/2025 19:09

I appreciate how busy you are and very tired,but If I was you i'd speak to my siblings about taking it in turns to host parents for Christmas,that way it's fair.
I have lost both my wonderful parents a few years ago unexpectedly and would give anything to have them with me for Christmas, please don't leave them on their own on Christmas day. No-one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Efrogwraig · 22/12/2025 19:11

Why not ask your siblings?

MMAS · 22/12/2025 19:15

That is worse than harsh and, I seriously hope you are a Bot rather than an individual that actually reads and interprets feelings.

croydon15 · 22/12/2025 19:29

Christmas day would be nice because due to their age nobody knows if they will be able to come to you next year but Boxing day is also nice. Your siblings sound very selfish.

MMAS · 22/12/2025 19:33

Whatever the back story is to your childhood, now is the time to have a full and frank conversation with your siblings. Your parents will not be around forever. It is up to you all to decide the way forward for Christmas. If it is your parents decision not to decorate their house through ill health or being bullheaded that is their decision and nothing you can do about it. Do not be guilt tripped into doing something that causes your own health to be undermined as you may well be called on at a later date, so need to conserve your own energy given it sounds very much like your siblings have stepped away. Leave them to it, maybe send a hamper of things that would get them through Xmas Day and by all means invite to Boxing Day as a compromise. A phonecall or two on Xmas Day would also be a good thing with the kids.

Bringingthesnacks · 22/12/2025 21:12

Can you not visit them on Boxing Day? That way it halves the driving.
Order a takeaway once your there or take some frozen party food to pop in their oven.
It does seem unfair for you to have to spend 4 hours driving on Christmas Day

nonamesleftatall · 22/12/2025 22:33

I would never dream of leaving my parents alone on Christmas Day. Amongst the people I know this would be unheard of. You sound very dramatic. There are over 8 million households in the UK that have children and have to put presents under a tree/ prepare/ get up early due to excitement. If you think it’s tough now wait until they are 11/14 and stay away so late that you barely get to sleep.
the fact that you have to think whether you would prefer to have a drink or accommodate your parents is awful.

Inthewrongtimezone · 22/12/2025 22:54

JudgeJ · 22/12/2025 10:51

Some people, when they get older, don't want all the razzmatazz of yet another Christmas, especially if it gets loud with children's excitement, teenagers sulking, adults arguing! If they really don't want to be involved then it's wrong to push it on them, I know it makes their children better but it has to be their decision. My late MIL would come to stay with us over Christmas but one year she said she didn't want to come, it was too hectic for her, and we didn't even fall out across the table!

Show quote history

My mum was the same in her last few years. She just didn't want all the hassle of being picked up, taken to another house, having crowds of great grandchildren charging around, excited dogs barking etc. She just wanted to sit quietly in her own home and watch the Christmas telly.

I get it. I'm in my late 60s and, to be honest, I can take or leave Christmas. I have no decorations other than a very small artificial Christmas tree in the corner. I used to decorate the whole house when I was younger and hosted for both sets of parents plus a sister and brother in law, as well as our own kids.
Nowadays it all seems like too much bother. I just can't be arsed with it all, basically.

If I'm still alive in 20 years time, I reckon I'll be the same as the OP's parents.

Needspaceforlego · 23/12/2025 01:36

rookiemere · 22/12/2025 16:31

Actually rereading OPs posts, she says that last year DB and DSIL offered to drive over to DPs with Christmas dinner for them to heat up on the day, but OP rejected that as not being enough company for them, but actually thinking about it, it seems a reasonable compromise. DPs would be happy to see one of their DCs, would not have to travel and would get a christmas dinner and then a more full on day for Boxing Day. Hopefully that is what has transpired.

Taking dinner and having dinner with them sounds logical to me. But it also depend on how comfortable they'd be with someone rocking up with dinner and cooking in their kitchen.

It seems daft to do 2 x 2 hour return trips in a day. I occasionally do 2 x 1 hour return trips to collect parents and thats long enough.

juless77 · 23/12/2025 05:57

Not ideal I know but could you ask your siblings to pick them up and drop off to yours …or ask siblings if they can have them and you will do pick up and drop off …..