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Original poster

Inviting mum and dad or not?

232 replies

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 01:03

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

OP posts:
Manthide · 21/12/2025 15:29

My parents normally host Christmas and it was all arranged but dd1 decided they didn't have enough space - 3 spare double bedrooms for 7 guests (4 adults and 3 small dc including a newborn). I have a travel cot, a blow up ready bed and a carry cot. I live very close to my parents. So dd2 decided she'd host despite having had a baby 3 weeks ago and we'd all bring a dish. But my parents are 83 and don't like driving in the dark - it's about 20 miles each way. I don't really know why it got complicated! But I'd never leave my parents on their own at christmas and I'd hate to be on my own.

Drivingmissrangey · 21/12/2025 15:31

At their age it’s likely they won’t see many more Christmases. In your position (which I am with my parent and uncle) I would have them over on Christmas Day. Realistically they are unlikely to be a problem for much longer.

What your siblings chose to do is irrelevant really, what would make you happier? A more relaxed Christmas Day knowing your parents were on their own, or sucking up the lift situation and having them over?

Randomchat · 21/12/2025 15:31

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 04:15

It isn't really the money any more. It's the unknown experience, interacting with unknown people when you're vulnerable have poor mobility and poor hearing. They just wouldn't manage it.

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It's hard when they get that way. I'm sorry.

I'd invite them on Boxing Day and make it special for them.

Is there anything at all you can arrange for Christmas Day like a flower delivery just so they know you're thinking about them? I don't know how easy that is on the actual day.

liamharha · 21/12/2025 15:31

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 01:03

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

3 children not one of you could put a little Xmas tree up and organise a Xmas dinner for them, wow .

falalalalalalalallama · 21/12/2025 15:33

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 03:59

That's a possibility, but does get me back to the point of why couldn't they host if they're going to that effort anyway? I suspect not being able to have a drink on Christmas day is a large factor into why the don't offer. One sibling lives closer to me than the other so if they picked up they could still drink and I'd drop off. It's worth a try.

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This seems the obvious solution to me.

I appreciate your siblings are being less than supportive, to put it lightly, but putting that aside as they're not going to change in the next few days and so you have to work with things as they are...

Some people find the idea of hosting a nightmare and driving absolutely fine - vice versa for others.

If either of your siblings can be convinced to drive them on Christmas day - problem solved - you can host, have a lovely day and not feel guilty.

And have Boxing day as a back up.

Let your parents know this is the plan - that you can't drive them but would love to host, if the driving could be sorted out - if not, you'd love to have them on Boxing day.

SpringingOn · 21/12/2025 15:33

I think Boxing Day is fine actually. They are not on their own on Christmas Day - they are together. But I would go with food to cook at theirs so you have halved the driving.

CraftyGin · 21/12/2025 15:38

You are going damned if you do, damned if you don't.

One option, leaves you completely hassled. The other option leaves you wracked with guilt.

Looking at it this way, you have to go and get them and bring them back to yours.

As a PP poster said, cut back on what you do on the day, and put them in a taxi at the end of the day. Boxing Day sounds good as they will not feel so guilty about putting you out, and will also be easier to get a taxi.

At 89, they are not going to have many more Christmases, especially together.

MoodyMargaret11 · 21/12/2025 15:39

If they can afford the taxi, then they are BU. it's unfair on you to be doing all the running around, 4 hour journey is just too much. Especially with young children who need your time and attention.
Why make yourself a martyr?
Tell them either they come by taxi (and make that "sacrifice" of going out of their comfort zone for you) OR you can go get them but they book a hotel so that you dont have to drive 4 hours on the same day.

LML1989AL · 21/12/2025 15:39

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 01:41

Thanks for the replies.

@Truetoself yes the picking and dropping is really draining and means not having a glass of wine with dinner. (After a late night sorting DS's presents and an early rise as the Santa excitment) I suspect this is why my siblings don't invite them. I'm just really surprised they aren't making any plans at all to see them, especially in the circumstances.

My parents absolutely wouldn't sort any other transport out. Taxis would be the only feasible option and there's just no way they'd do that, we've been there on that issue before and it's not worth revisiting.

Do you have a group chat with your siblings??

If so, might be time for a polite (marginally passive aggressive) “Hi I hosted mum & dad last year and did all the ferrying about, I’m assuming as they haven’t chatted with me they are doing to one of your homes, can you let me know who’s hosting so I can drop their gifts off”

If no group chat start one ☝🏼

MissDoubleU · 21/12/2025 15:40

Boxing Day is fine. You did last Christmas and you have two other siblings who seemingly haven’t hosted your parents recently. It’s their turn. You are allowed to have a quiet one with just DH and DC. I would put a bit of pressure on siblings to take a turn though.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 21/12/2025 15:42

I think it's too much expecting you to host AND do the picking up and dropping off. Not sure why you were in that situation previously of doing everything. An unwritten rule is that everyone makes their own way, uses taxis, gets lifts from other people etc to the person who is hosting not to expect the host to be a taxi service as well. That is ridiculous.

If I were you I would say to your siblings and parents that you don't mind hosting but it is too much work to host and pick people up especially now you have DC, so if you want to come round one of you (siblings) will have to bring your parents.

Your family sound quite difficult though including your parents tbh. Refusing taxis and anything "new" to this extent is not normal. As for your siblings, one of them exploding at you for nothing all the time isn't normal either. Be mindful of falling into people pleasing traps while letting your family treat you like shit in order to keep the peace.

Bewareofstepfords · 21/12/2025 15:44

NuffSaidSam · 21/12/2025 03:51

Lots of people make their parent's problems their problems. It's part of caring for each other.

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That's true if you generally care for each i.e. all year round.
But if you're just not that into each other then obligation times like Christmas are a chore.

Tammygirl12 · 21/12/2025 15:45

I think this is awfully sad. I would find any way to be with them (unless they have been abusive?)

sounds like going to theirs and cooking at their house is a great idea

stichguru · 21/12/2025 15:53

I think asking them to come on Boxing Day would be fine. Just make it special and fun, not a re-do of Christmas Day, but whatever you'd all enjoy. Any take-aways they like - Fish & Chips, Curry?

Flowerlovinglady · 21/12/2025 15:58

I get that frustration - it's really someone else's turn, you're tired, the driving is onerous but everyone thinks if they keep quiet, you'll step in or maybe they think they do their bit in other ways. Who knows? Waiting around for siblings to step up can be very frustrating and family input is rarely fairly distributed so I wouldn't wait for the invite from them that clearly isn't coming but decide what you are able to do and do it. It doesn't sound like that is a Christmas Day visit so leave that this year. Your mum and dad are a couple and will be fine together and maybe it'll signal to your siblings that you also have other stuff going on. I would either invite them later in Christmas week and do the driving or go up and take a meal.

Lotsoftime · 21/12/2025 16:01

It does seem sad to leave them all on their own. When my parents became like yours, I used to invite them for Christmas but they didn’t want to come so then I would have to fit in a visit to them instead which was hard around everything else going on including two children. Once or twice I didn’t go and did feel bad about it but they were the type to say, Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. I have had years of rushing around trying to do everything and this year neither of my parents are with us any more and that is sad in itself. If it really is too much then set it up for Boxing Day.

YorkshireTeaDrinker2 · 21/12/2025 16:02

Boxing Day is enough. Your priority on Christmas Day are your kids.

PlumTiger · 21/12/2025 16:02

So for 40 years your parents 'did Christmas' and now they are old and have failing health they will just be left alone? I'm sure they will be very hurt. Surely you and your siblings can organise something?

Tiedbutchorestodo · 21/12/2025 16:02

I’d try and get a sibling to do the dropping off to yours and I’d see if I could persuade them to get a taxi home but if I couldn’t my DH would do the running about whilst I cooked / looked after the kids.

We always have my parents over Christmas Day and I don’t really think of it as hosting - it’s my mum and dad not “guests” and I’d hate for them to have a quiet day. We’re also not bothered about drinking though - there’s always Christmas Eve / Boxing Day and how much are you really going to have with small children to deal with anyway.

diddl · 21/12/2025 16:03

I think I'd go to them Boxing Day if a taxi really isn't a viable option.

They really may not be that bothered about Christmas Day, as long as they have a phone call & a visit to look forward to.

I'm guessing it's too late to send some sort of food shop for them to have some treats on Christmas Day?

AnnieSp · 21/12/2025 16:05

We had this for many years - always fell in me as my husband was very busy working over Christmas. However - my Mum died in January and my Dad a couple of years earlier - what I wouldn’t give to be picking them up and dropping them back home for Christmas Dinner. I always bought as much ready prepared food as possible to make it manageable. Look after yourself, speak to your parents about what they would really like to do and see how you can make it work.

AgnesX · 21/12/2025 16:07

As you did it last year, your siblings need to host your parents this year. That they're not shows a streak of meanness (unless you have a poisonous family dynamic).

You could/should have had a conversation together before now. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents on their own.

Menapausemum1974 · 21/12/2025 16:14

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 05:15

Thank you for this. I feel completely understood by your reply, which I think is what I was looking for.

You're absolutely right that I'll regret not doing it more than I'll regret the extra effort.

Merry Christmas

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@Changedforadvice can you maybe buy them a lovely meal they just have to heat up for christmas day?

Appenzell · 21/12/2025 16:17

Changedforadvice · 21/12/2025 05:08

I think they'll be fine with Boxing Day, they certainly won't say they're not or complain. I'm pretty certain they'll be delighted with whatever food they're served, and be amazed at how much there is, admire the tree, laugh at daft cracker jokes and they'll thanks us profusely for having them, all the effort we've gone to and tell us often how wonderful our little boy is. It's more me feeling guilty about it. And also annoyed at my siblings for not considering my parents, and to a lesser extent me.

At the risk of be self pitying, I got so worn down last year over a few moths that I ended up in hospital with what turned out to be sepsis. My son was only 2 at the time and it was terrifying. I've promised I'm not going to push myself into exhaustion again, there's too much at stake. Trying to keep everyone happy is so hard though. I just don't understand how both siblings can just so casually defer all responsibility in these circumstances. It's heartless and at odds with how they treat mum and dad usually.

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I think you should do whatever you possibly can for them whilst you can and whilst they are still around. Unfortunately this type of situation is quite common, where one child ends up doing much more than the others, but the others are usually quite good at telling everyone else about how devoted they are.

I fear you may have left it late, but I would speak to your siblings and ask if they have any plans for your parents. When they say no, explain to them that you don't feel able to allow your parents to spend the day with no company, no Christmas joy etc etc. If they are not willing to host then ask them to assist with lifts etc. No doubt you'll get kickback from that because it means someone can't drink on Christmas Day. Well so what. If they think that's more important than your (and their!!) parents being alone then it says a lot about them.

I think you also have to accept that there may well be consequences to this with regards to your relationship with your siblings but it does sound as though they are happy for you to be the fall guy for your parents anyway. It sounds like they don't/won't feel the guilt that you do/will. It may well be a good idea to start re-thinking your relationship with your siblings as time goes on. If they're not willing to help now, how much support are you going to get from them in the future if and when things get much harder?

Sadly I say all this from experience. I was left as the default child as my siblings didn't have the capacity to feel guilty about our parents and if I hadn't made Christmas special for them during their last few years I know that I would have ended up feeling more guilty once they passed.

once1caughtafishalive · 21/12/2025 16:17

I know youve said you cant raise as an issue with siblings, but what about a message to siblings along the lines of:.

"Hey guys, just realised mum and dad are not going anywhere on Christmas day. Shall we all rotate having them each year? Or one person hosts them and the other two fund the taxi or organise lifts? Let me know"