Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

Yeah 4 to 6 weeks ago that might have been a thought but it’s December 21 now. It’s pretty clear nobody’s worried about how they’re spending Christmas or spending time thinking of “solutions”. They’ve all got to now thinking maybe one of the others will take them.

I actually think Boxing Day is a good compromise. It's far too much for you. You need a rest. 4 hrs is too much on Christmas Day, even if you split with dh Your child is small and will want to enjoy it. They are not alone. They could organise an online shop and then spend the day with you on Boxing Day.

Send them both a text that it is not happening at yours.
All these Christmases that people allow to be ruined hosting awful people.
I certainly am glad my children have never seen such modelling.
Not a chance I would entertain it.

Get them some nice stuff from M&S or Waitrose ... and/or make 2 extra meals and take it over for them before/after you serve your family dinner.

I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself at the thought of my parents alone at Christmas, especialy given their age. I would feel awful. I would suck up the inconvenience and just do it.

I rarely drink, so I'm always fascinated by how it gets centred. OP thinks that having an alcoholic drink is so vital to the siblings that it's the probable reason for leaving their elderly parents alone when they are clearly lonely and would prefer company. If it was anything other than alcohol, the discussion here would be mainly about substance dependency.

What do they want? Perhaps they’re happy with no fuss, no expectations and not having to go anywhere and be on show or be uncomfortable.
Would they welcome a visit to theirs for an hour or so?

They're not alone though, they have each other and they can have the happy anticipation of seeing you on Boxing Day.
On another note, though, it sounds as though your family doesn't communicate openly. Why don't you ask your siblings what they're doing, and tell them how you feel?

Kindly, I think you know deep down you should have you parents for Christmas. Particularly as they hosted you for many years… only stopping 9 years ago. When they must have been nearly 80!

come on OP, they’re you’re elderly parents, it’s your duty to look after them.

We always went to my PILs on Xmas day and cooked Xmas dinner there when they were in their 80s. It was a pain in the neck sometimes but balanced out by their gratitude and a bit of a good feeling for us. They could be a bit prickly sometimes but they are no longer with us and I’m glad we did it, although at the time we did resent it a bit

They're not alone. They're together in their own home and have chosen not to see anyone or cook Christmas lunch.

I absolutely understand that taxis would be out of the question. I had this issue with my parents. Dad kept his driving license until he was 90 + yrs. Then by the time he had to give up neither he nor mum could manage a taxi. It was only on looking back that I realized we should have insisted that they learn how to order and pay while they could.

Getting a taxi sounds so easy, but so many of that generation just don’t think taxis are for them. Also they have to organize payment, ? tip and (as I found out to my cost when I tried ordering from their local taxi firm) need a uk mobile number for the driver to ring and locate you.

Invite them for Boxing Day and enjoy the day together.

Guilt tripping the OP isn't "kind".

It isn't her duty at all. I have adult children living independently, and I hope they never feel they need to host me out of duty, especially if they have young children.

They haven't 'chosen not to see anyone' - none of their three adult offspring has offered to see them. As for two 89 year olds cooking a Christmas dinner for themselves alone, words fail me.

Would it be feasible to do a group WhatsApp with your siblings saying that you're going to host them but you need some help with transport?

Another option is for you or your DH to collect them and for you to organise a taxi to take them home? It might be easier for them if you book it, the taxi comes to your house and you help them in, tell the driver they might need assistance at the other end, etc. We've done this with an elderly relative and it seems to take the stress out of the situation for her.

A third option is to go to them on Christmas Day and then do your real Christmas at home on Boxing Day - a 4 year old won't know the difference.

I feel for you, OP, but I think you need to find the solution that prioritises your health while minimising regrets, and I do suspect if this turned out to be the last Christmas for one or both, you would be quite upset.

Doh! Just shows the state of my frazzled Christmas brain 🤦‍♀️

I think that would be absolutely fine and very kind of you to host them.

Jesus, they’re 89 with mobility and hearing issues, no longer able to drive and one of them recently suffered a broken hip! They’re not choosing anything, they don’t really have a lot of choices do they? I mean the three dc they did Christmas for for 40 years are all more concerned with being able to have a drink on Christmas Day than whether their elderly parents even have a Christmas dinner 🙄.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but please host your parents either Christmas day or boxing day. I grew up with selfish siblings too and it was down to me to host my parents every single year...I never had a year apart from them in 45 years. It was hard some years especially with a young child and an elderly mother in law in the mix but I'm so glad that I did because I've lost them both now and what I wouldn't do to have those empty chairs filled. I know not everyone has a close relationship with their parents so in those circumstances I understand that it's different but if that's not the case then I would definitely host them. Make the day as easy as possible, ready prepared veg, good old ain't Bessie's roasties etc.

I got no support from my siblings either when our mum died and it was just dad for five years. I took on the role of carer in the end and it almost broke me... unfortunately having selfish siblings comes at a price but I've many years of happy memories that are with me forever so I'm happy with the trade-off.

Boxing Day would be a perfectly acceptable compromise

There’s still time for a conversation. Yes obviously it should have been had weeks ago. This is the problem with keeping quiet and hoping someone else will step up. If everyone does that then everyone says nothing. Better to raise it now than not at all and give people the chance to do the right thing. My dad is a PITA but my brother and I would not see him alone at Christmas. It has mainly fallen to my brother over the years, I fully admit, so I am willing to discuss what’s doable/fair. If plans have to be altered last minute then so be it.

Could one of the siblings collect them and bring them to yours? Could one of them put them up overnight? I do think expecting one family member to drive four hours on Christmas Day while the other siblings do nothing is extremely unfair and if I were OP I wouldn’t be afraid to say so.

In absence of being able to find a workable solution this year, then perhaps the Boxing Day offer is the next best thing, but I would urge you to have this conversation well in advance next year and don’t let weaponised incompetence or the threat of “kicking off” stop you from pointing out how self centred your siblings are being.

I do hope my children never feel like this about me. I would hate to think I had become such a burden but moreover that I had raised people who cared so little for their parents (I mean your siblings).

You reap what you sow surely, the DPs have produced 3 children only one of which feels they should give of their time.
The DPs are very set in their ways, probably would be quite stressed at having to stay away from home, inviting them for Boxing Day is fine.
Im a DGP and really Cmas is mostly for small children, the DPs have had their many family Cmases -I think posters are overestimating their upset at not visiting anyone on Cmas day. They didn’t even bother putting up a single decoration -that tells you something.
Edit -and ime some siblings step up to help elderly relatives and some do 0 with no guilt. The OP can’t change that.

@Daisymay8 I'm guessing most people in their late 80s would be set in their ways and don't have the capacity to put up decorations any longer FFS!
For many years they hosted all their adult children and now only one seems to care about them. Cut the golden oldies some slack!

Aaah I feel for you, it's true "sandwich generation" stuff where you have to care and make an effort for children and aging parents and quite often those needs clash. Could you visit them on Christmas day? That way you do 2hr driving not 4, and maybe go after presents but before lunch (especially as you'll be up early)? You could take some food that's easy for them or quick, like biscuits, cheese, ham etc and then spend an hour, ds could take a couple of his toys, all swap presents and have a hug then be home for cooking Christmas dinner and can drink with dinner (could leave turkey in the oven if its big and needs an age)? Appreciate it's not easy though. My husband has a tricky parent and now sets a mantra of "how will I feel about this when he's gone" and that drives a lot of decision making, as in, how does this sit on my moral compass and can I live comfortably taking this action. I suspect you're right, that the hassle of picking them up and not having a glass or two is actually better than the guilt of not. If you do bring them over, put a firm word out that someone else needs to do something this Christmas (e.g. boxing day). Then at least you get a break. Also,I do think hosting is actually OK when you get in the routine. We host everyone and have done since first born was 2, and now have a 10 and an 8, we cook after the kids are asleep on Christmas eve, pop some music on, crack open the mulled wine and it feels v festive and actually fun. Then most things are ready Christmas day, and there's normally a film you can whack on for the crunch bits of getting everything cooked and out. Go light - Only do main course - get a microwavable pudding (or do a chilled pud made a few days prior), nobody needs starters on Christmas day really, and use pre bought nibbles for the other meals and mince pies - just take the strain off yourself, as you say, it's the companionship that matters most so it doesn't have to be perfect.

Your siblings absolve themselves because they know you will pick up the slack. However, you can try asking them for help? Actually say the words? A lot of issues in relationships comes down to poor communication