Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

I think Boxing day is fine too.
Your health has been compromised by doing too much earlier this year.
You are correct to take it very seriously.
Your priority is your child, even above your parents.
I think you will have to harden your heart because your siblings are not going to step up.

My friend was in a very very similar situation and the first she heard from one sister was when she organised a gardener, cleaner, meals delivered, taxis and started to seriously spend their money.
She blocked her sister as she refused to explain or engage with someone whose only interest was inheritance.
My friend had zero interest in any inheritance and spent a lot of money making sure her parents last years were very comfortable.
They had always been careful too.

Keep food on Boxing day as simple as you can.

Can't you order an uber for them? That way they only have to be ready and you'll agree a time when they will be picked up. That seems a reasonable compromise.

Go to visit them with instead after lunch? Take a few bits? Most very old people don’t eat much. Would cut down the driving.

You have to ask strangers on a weird forum instead of talking to your siblings?

I’m not without sympathy for you OP and I get the frustration with your siblings for not stepping up BUT…

We’re days from Christmas and a frail couple who are close to 90 have no plans, no decorations, and no invitation to Christmas dinner despite having three adult dc living in the same country! Unless there’s a huge backstory of neglect or abuse I’m honestly shocked by this.

My own DPs are @ a decade younger but have had some serious health issues in the last year and it’s made us all a bit more conscious that we won’t have them forever and that they need a bit more help and support. They had the choice of three households for Christmas Day this year, their gc have helped with Christmas decorations, we’ve made sure they’ve got lovely treats in for over the period and we’ll all be visiting or bringing them to us on various days over the break.

It reads like yours are barely an afterthought to their dc, I feel sad for them.

@Changedforadvice Boxing day is a good compromise for this year. Personally I would think about just going to your Mum and Dads for lunch as it’s just one two hour round trip. I would take cold cuts, veg you can re-heat and mashed potato as the hot item. Very simple with M & S (or equivalent) deserts.

In the New Year have a really good chat with your parents about the future. How are they really coping at 89? It sounds like you are the child who makes the effort and cares about them. What isn’t and isn’t feasible when they live an hour away. The hardest part is starting the conversation.

If they are no bother once they are at your place then tell your siblings one set delivers them to your house and another set picks them up. Sharing the transport between them is shouldn't be too much bother

Ask your siblings for help and blow the consequences. One collects and the other takes them home. Sorted.

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up and hoping for support?
firstly I’d ask your siblings who is having your parents this year for Christmas or Boxing Day? One may even offer to have them over night so you have a short distance or arrange an Uber? Quite reasonable I hear.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and when kids are young we spend so much time sorting everyone out we forget ourselves.

personally I’d have them this year as sounds like next year they won’t be able to make the travel. Do Boxing Day if easier than Christmas Day, but I think I’d do one last Christmas Day with all the trimmings! It’s only when it’s gone do you really appreciate what you had.

If it was me, I would speak to my siblings. I'd ask if any of them were able to host and if not if want it agreed that if I do it this year, someone else would do it next. I think as their children you have a duty to invite them for Xmas considering their disabilities and support needs but it is a responsibility hosting and something that should be shared between you.

I too think Boxing Day is fine. Christmas Day is just a day, if Boxing Day works better for you, do that. You can’t make your siblings do more than they want. You need to manage your own health too, and it sounds like last year was really scary and really should be a wake up call, op. Don’t overdo it.

OP if it is truly likely to be their last Christmas then I’d just suck up all the negatives and just host them so you have no regrets. What your siblings do is on them.

Without hijacking your thread we are in a similar situation with my BIL who has not been a very nice human being to me or my DH for much of the time I’ve known him. He is only 52, is pretty immobile, is wearing adult diapers, is living in a care home, is belligerent with the staff so only showers and bathes occasionally but has messaged my DH to say that he is looking forward to Christmas Eve at our home hosted by us. We are just stuck as to what to do. My husband is wracked with guilt that his brother is in the position he is in but it all falls on us otherwise he will not have a Christmas at all. He has a 24 yr old daughter who has also sent my husband a message to find out what we are doing for Christmas this year, she doesn’t see her DF unless it’s a birthday or Christmas that has been orchestrated by us. I’m so over it.

The people going on about taxis - they’re nearly 90, probably easily confused, expecting them to get a taxi is unrealistic.

maybe point out to your siblings that your patents hosted Christmas for all of you for 40 year until they were 80 years old and therefore one of you not having a drink on Christmas Day to take them home really is the very least you could do.

Dizzy Ducklings

Why re you feeling stuck?. Your H feels guilty re his brother but guilt here is a truly useless emotion.

Do not invite either your BIL or his daughter. If she wants to see her dad then she can visit the home he is now in. These people are CF's and will in all doubt not be at all grateful or thankful for your hospitality. You need radiators in your life, not drains upon them.

“Siblings, I’m a bit worried about mum and dad and them spending Xmas alone. Dad seems very down and I don’t know how many more xmases they have left. I’d like to offer to host them again, but it’s difficult with the four hours of driving them here and back. Is this something you also worry about? Is it possible we could work out a joint solution? With three children and limited years left, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of them spending it alone. What can we do? Do you have any ideas?”

Honestly I'd just host them.

If you want to give your parents the full Christmas Day experience go for it. What would your parents really, honestly and truthfully, enjoy?
If they can manage your stairs, would they be happy to stay in your house in your two beds? Can you borrow or buy a blow up bed and sleep downstairs? Or…bunk in at a sibling’s house just for the kip (and maybe prick a conscience).

We probably need a thicker skin and some therapy. 😂

Absolutely dreading having him at my dinner table in the state he is in. I’m not equipped to be a carer.

@Changedforadvice

When my grandparents stopped hosting, their 5 children decided to rotate hosting them on Xmas Day. The 'rota' was by age and started with the eldest and worked its way down. Rinse and repeat. There was the occasional swap or 'favour' through the years but it worked really well. No one felt taken advantage of and everyone knew well ahead of time it was 'their year'. Would that work for your siblings? It would mean they'd only have to host every 3 years.

It's probably too late to propose this now, but I'd certainly consider suggesting it after the holidays. And I'd do it by email or message so there is something written showing all agreed.

They’re 89 - to be blunt they don’t have many Christmases left. I’d host them. Can your DH help out with the pick up/ drop off?

Also if they live an hour away how does it take 4 hrs to collect and drop them?

One hour each way to collect and another hour each way to take them home. HTH.

There are charities that’ll provide transport for elderly people. Loads on google. Age UK are a good place to start. Worth a try?

I understand what you're saying but personally wouldn't get stuck on the issue of why your siblings are making no effort. If you can get your parents brought to you and hosting won't be an issue, then I would just do it.

Just get on with it. Think how much they will love seeing their grandchildren on Christmas Day and vice versa. You won't have many more opportuneities to share Christmas with them. Shocked you are being so self centred.