Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

How is it 4 hours driving when they live an hour away? Doesn't add up. And Christmas day the roads are empty!

I couldn't leave my elderly parents alone on Christmas day no matter what they said, because I know deep down they'd be hurt that we were all too busy to care about them.

Do you have room for them to stay the night?

If not ask siblings to help with lifts. You could host them from 11 - 3.30 or so.

Another suggestion... try getting them in a taxi for a local journey, if they get familiar with the concept/taxi driver/company it might make your future easier. You can find ones with larger vehicles/more comfortable etc. I say this as someone with mobility issues and anxiety, trying and getting familiar makes things so much easier.

@Changedforadvice i have absolutely useless siblings and I made my peace long ago with not expecting ANYTHING from them. Then, when they do the bare minimum it’s a pleasant surprise.

You must just do what’s best for you in terms of your parents and don’t even expend the energy on feeling cross with your siblings. It won’t make a jot of difference to the outcome and the only person it exhausts is you…

An hour there and an hour back to get them. An hour there and an hour back to return them. Four hours.

Because OP has to drive one hour there, collect their parents, then drive one hour back to their own home, total: 2 hours. The same journey has to be repeated to return their parents home, taking the total to 4 hours.

I would host them, too sad otherwise. You have one four year old and a husband - it’s not that much work!! Why don’t you phone them and just talk it through- ask what they’d prefer? Christmas with you and a taxi home / air b and b. Or get your spare room ready? Your dc can kip with you for one night. Or maybe they’d prefer you to go to them on Boxing Day? The key is to talk to them!!

Which are you more likely to regret - offering to host them or not offering?

This is quite sad to read. Almost as if they’re a burden. Of course your siblings should step up this shouldn’t all be on you but I just couldn’t ever imagine knowing my parents are at home doing nothing on Christmas Day and not hosting them. No matter how tired I might be

He's definitely feeling neglected, it's a no one cares comment really. That alone would make me want them to come for Christmas, could they stay over with one of the siblings if you don't have room, or if they need separate rooms one stay with you and one with sibling? It would make it so much nicer to not be rushing to get them home again. Or could you put them in a taxi home, that way they don't have to organise getting a taxi and if it's OK they may be happy to do it that way another time. Sort of a Christmas treat.

Christmas Day is only a day. your parents will enjoy themselves just as much if they come on Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

I would have them on Christmas day but put up on the group Whats App..l am happy to have Mum& Dad for Christmas but need someone to either collect them that morning or drop back.. ..or both. Let me know who can do that..thanks!
They will have to say l cant do it which hopefully will shame them into it.
Also as you were sick last year you may have bad memories and feel this year will be the same but it won't as you are well. Dont go too mad on cooking. Ready prepared veg and a bought dessert.
Also my dh would have happily collected my dps as l would be busy with ds/ prep so hopefully yours will row in.. You do what is right with your own family and let the other two go to hell!!!

I feel conflicted about it ...we have tried for years to communicate to our family that seeing everyone over Christmas time is what we are looking at, not the day itself. However I would find my parents being completely on their own for the day difficult to carry.

I don’t really get what’s the difference between hosting them on Boxing Day and just having them on Christmas Day. Both will involve a lot of travelling and preparing a meal so you might as well do it on Christmas Day IMO. Does your OH pitch in with driving, cooking, looking after the lo? If not then give him a kick up the backside!
Can they not stay over before or after to lighten the travelling burden?
It’s a bit crap of your siblings to not offer anything but that’s unlikely to change.

I’d absolutely make it happen one way or another. You keep referring to having a child - one 4 year old child is a piece of piss. It doesn’t sound like you actually do have much on your plate other than that you can’t be arsed. I’d be considering this could very likely be their last Christmas and that they wouldn’t be spending it in misery. I’m sure they made many things happen for you as a child.

Maybe book and pay for the taxi? And let them know shortly before it arrives? "Sorry, cooking crisis over here, but you'll be picked up in half an hour"?

This is so sad. They are at the age where it could be one of their last Christmases and the only reason no-one wants to spend it with them is because they are an inconvenience.

I understand your guilt. I would feel the same way. I’ve always been the default, my parents have always come to my house never my sisters. I would love a Christmas with just my little family but she would never do dinner for them. I think give them the choice, taxis, hotels, or spend one night sharing a bed (I read they sleep separate but for one night surely it’ll be ok), if they say no to all three then you’ve tried. I would probably go see them Boxing Day and take some food round. They have to meet you half way, your child’s young and a four hour round trip on Christmas Day is too much for anyone.

Are you sure they really want to come for Christmas?. It is a lot of travelling for them especially with mobility issues. I had elderly relatives who found the whole Christmas experience and expectations too tiring and opted out preferring to spend the day quietly at home.

Your sibling can do what they like; that’s on them and their own future regrets (or not!)

Question is whether YOU would be comfortable knowing that you wouldn’t go out of your way for your parents if something were to happen to them in coming year.

Will you regret the ‘Boxing Day will be more convenient’ attitude. If you won’t, that’s grand and your plans sound fine. But if you think you will, then arrange the pick ups / taxis and crack on.

Lots of people have v young kids and can crack on to make Christmas happen. There are two of you to split the load between.

their transport issue is not your problem

At 89? I know OP updated the age after your comment but it can be inferred that they are very elderly by "getting on a bit" and mention of all the siblings being in their 40s with kids.

Most normal human beings with any feeling whatsoever do usually see their elderly parents transport as their problem as at 90, most people aren't just hopping on a peddle bike and scooting on over..

OP in your situation, Id make it work and host them, whether its siblings helping with lifts, or having them stay over. Id not see my elderly parents at home alone on Christmas day while I was just an hour away. Everything else can slim down and be made easier. Have them stay over? You alos have DH to take some of the load surely? He lives in the house, hes not being waited hand a foot.

I cant believe the other siblings would leave them alone without a thought.

My mum died 3 months ago, i'm very glad she was at mine last year and we had lovely memories

I actually feel for them. It’s one day. Could you really not have them to you for Christmas Day? I know it’s tiring, exhausting and can be stressful! ( I have 3 older children now but did the hosting when they were younger) They're 89 and it’s awful to think of them on their own on Christmas Day. My mums 82 and we have her every Christmas as my dad died years ago. I’d give anything to have him here so it does upset me to think of the elderly on their own. Boxing Day is nice but Christmas Day is special.

I am one of three and I’m always expected to have Mum, after spending too many years doing the hosting the prep and cooking I’d had enough and started going out for dinner me my husband and now 2 adult kids who still live at home and my mum me and my husband cover the bill.
My mum lives closest to me but one of my siblings is a 10 minute drive away but never offers to have her for Christmas my other sibling lives 300 miles away and has never offered to have Mum over Christmas.
This will be the last year I have a Christmas Day with my husband for a few years due to his work schedule I mentioned it to my sibling who lives closer and said depending on DHs shift patterns over the next few years it’s unlikely I will be doing Christmas on Christmas Day DH maybe off on Boxing Day so we would do Christmas that day siblings response was well I’m sure Mum will be ok with doing Christmas on Boxing Day at that point I gave up and may plan to go away for Christmas one year just the 4 of us.

I would just go ahead and book the taxi yourself OP and then tell your parents that it's booked. Their choice whether or not to take it. But first I'd ask your siblings to help with lifts. That's the least they could do if you're hosting. Perhaps one of them (or their spouse) could pick your parents up and deliver them to yours and you could book the cab to take them home?