Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Mil guilt tripping 11 yo over not spending enough on presents

269 replies

Y7mum · 20/12/2025 16:32

So because my mums side of the family is Austrian we celebrate and give gifts on the 24th but also the 25th because of other relatives. My 11yo dd is the only child in the close family and she usually buys everyone a small present for Christmas eve up to about 7 pounds a person for about 6 people and makes a gift, such as writing a personalised story herself or decorating a piec,which she also loves, for Christmas day. Everyone gives smaller Christmas eve presents in our family. Often she ends up having to buy 1 or 2 Christmas day presents due to time not mentioning dog present and aunt on dh's side who she buys for.

With 6 seven pound presents, about 3 10 pound Christmas day presents and a 5 pound dog present that's nearly 80 quid and we want her to buy presents with her own money. She gets 20 a month pocket monet so it's four months of pocket if she spent none between September and Christmas. Most of family are fine with this and like the homemade present but mil keeps hinting at how it is stingy and rude.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 20/12/2025 21:23

Y7mum · 20/12/2025 18:02

Which part of the tradition is problematic

Show quote history

That she is expected to give gifts to all these people ‘and’ make a gift and buy a gift for a dog? And it’s still not enough? That is really difficult to wrap my head around.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 20/12/2025 21:32

TootsMaHoots · 20/12/2025 16:43

As long as all of you are spending four months of your income before bills on presents.

Bloody good point!

I'm all for children learning about money management and VFM but come on.

As for your MIL - wow. Imagine being that horrible to any 11 year old, much less your own grandchild. Is her name Krampus by any chance?

DancyNancy · 20/12/2025 23:03

@cantbearsed27 In my eyes it's the perfect opportunity to teach a child that

  1. It's the giver decides what to gift.
  2. You can't please everyone in life, stay true to yourself.
  3. Some people, even those we love, can act like dicks sometimes.

Example, my mil has opinions and comments on stuff we don't agree with as a family.
Her shit isn't so bad that we want to cut her off, but I also don't want them to take it on board internally.
So I tell them 'that's her opinion, and you're entitled to yours too", if it's clothing related...i ask do You like it? As that's what matters"
It's totally diffused things as now the kids kind of know "ah sure nana will hate that outfit " but they don't care 😂

Sometimes I call her out on more serious things.
But after 20yrs I know she's not going to change.
So I have to decide my boundaries and just leave her live in her own negativity. Her loss! I'm not taking it on!

It's very freeing!

Original poster
Y7mum · 21/12/2025 07:42

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 20/12/2025 21:32

Bloody good point!

I'm all for children learning about money management and VFM but come on.

As for your MIL - wow. Imagine being that horrible to any 11 year old, much less your own grandchild. Is her name Krampus by any chance?

Show quote history

No but that might just become her new nickname

OP posts:
Original poster
Y7mum · 21/12/2025 07:43

Homegrownberries · 20/12/2025 18:54

Poor kid. Children really don't need to buy Christmas presents for anyone.
The whole thing sounds very materialistic.
I'm wondering if the only child in the extended family was a boy would the expectations be the same? I strongly suspect not.

I imagine they would

OP posts:
Original poster
Y7mum · 21/12/2025 07:46

Everyone, extended family is not what was said in post it's her oma, adult cousin, aunt, uncle, Me and dh all of whom she sees once ore twice a month

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 21/12/2025 08:21

Y7mum · 21/12/2025 07:46

Everyone, extended family is not what was said in post it's her oma, adult cousin, aunt, uncle, Me and dh all of whom she sees once ore twice a month

Edited

That is extended family. Anyone besides nuclear family is extended family.

It is still ridiculous that she is putting all this pressure on herself and her grandmother is encouraging her to think she’s still not good enough.

Christmaseree · 21/12/2025 08:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

maryberryslayers · 21/12/2025 09:32

I think you are in the wrong here. Why would you ask her to use her own pocket money to buy presents for the extended family at 11? Either buy presents for her or give her extra. It's really cruel.

Ppppwwwwww · 21/12/2025 12:27

My DD is 15 and this year I gave her £100 to buy her sibling a gift (we do a secret santa between the DC) mine, DH and her friends. If she needed more money she just needed to know. I agree kids need to learn to budget and all.about giving gifts but there are other ways to learn without them giving up such a large amount of their own.money.

We started a secret santa between the DC as about 10 years ago our eldest wanted to buy their siblings a gift each for christmas and then they all wanted to buy each other gifts. Secret santa meant we were able to.afford for them to all buy something decent and it added a little fun. They are given a £20 budget and they have to figure out how best to spend that with support.

I have 2 older DC who have their own money and they are very good at saving.

As for MIL I would have a conversation with my Dh to decide how you are going to tackle this and let him deal with MIL directly. What a mean person! My DD has personalised a cheap frame with a picture of her and her dad in it as part of his gift and he will absolutely adore it. I am slightly jealous that I won't be getting 1 (well not that I know of). For DC even if they only spend £1 that is a huge amount to them and they could have spent that £1 on themselves.

Schoolchoicesucks · 21/12/2025 14:45

If your MIL spends 30% of her annual income on presents then she may have a point.

I find it strange that an 11 YO is expected to buy gifts for all adults family members. In my family, teens are expected to buy token gifts for their siblings and parents. All other gifts are from the family.
As she gets older, the personalised stories or pictures might become a little less desirable. Perhaps she could make a food gift - that way she is making something personalised but not necessarily expensive. And you could buy the ingredients with the food shop.

I think £20 a month pocket money is fine, but the adults have unrealistic expectations. I would address the expectations but you could choose to buy those extra gifts for her if you don't want to do that.

catontheironingboard · 21/12/2025 14:49

TomatoSandwiches · 20/12/2025 16:46

You expect your own 11yr old to buy christmas presents with her own money for ADULTS and DOGS???

You are being unreasonable for that and your MIL is a vile person talking to a child that way, vile vile vile.
MIL would be getting a lump of coal if she spoke to my DD like that.

Good grief all of you are quite distasteful.

^This! It all sounds crazy. An 11-year-old might be encouraged to buy her mum and dad or siblings a small token present (and you should give her the money for this; she hasn’t got a job); but to expect family presents for all adults plus a dog from a child is absolutely ridiculous, and I’ve never heard anything like it.

Your MIL sounds really nasty, but everyone in this situation is being unreasonable towards a child. A hand-drawn card and a box of Maltesers each would be a lovely present from a kid that age; and I suggest next year you pay for a stock of Maltesers boxes and ask your DD to make some cards to go with for all the relatives. And stuff the dog!

Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 17:53

Wow.

so your MIL is saying that her grandchild is not spending enough even though she is only 11years old?
It is hard to the ears indeed…

axolotlfloof · 21/12/2025 17:53

Young children don't need to buy presents . What a waste of her money.
Adults don't need presents from children.
Perhaps she can do some promises. A car wash, homemade cookies etc

wizzbitt · 21/12/2025 18:01

Awww, my family would never expect a gift from my 11 year old DS. He makes we make him small framed pictures which they love. If he had to buy gifts it would essentially be our money so until he gets a job this works for all of us.

myhaggisblewup · 21/12/2025 18:12

pilates · 20/12/2025 16:44

Your DD sounds a lovely thoughtful person.

I would be having a quiet word with MIL 😡

I would be having a loud word with h about his cow of a mother.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2025 18:18

Y7mum · 21/12/2025 07:46

Everyone, extended family is not what was said in post it's her oma, adult cousin, aunt, uncle, Me and dh all of whom she sees once ore twice a month

Edited

and how much are they all spending on DD roughly each, including the adult cousin? does she get Xmas eve and Xmas day presents off everyone?

I think it's oroblema9 because as she gets older and wants to spend more money on clothes and going out, there's going to the this expectation that at least 1/3 rs of her allowance is for everyone else.

you say she wants to pay for it all for class points and refused your help, yet you also said you want her to buy presents with her own money, so which is it? Especially given she's so busy she "has" to buy some as she doesn't have time to make everything.

I'd put her allowance up but when it comes time to go shopping, stick to £5 per person

is she doing the same for birthdays?

ExamHellDoubled · 21/12/2025 18:22

This is ridiculous frankly. She shouldn’t be spending months of her pocket money on family presents, if she wants to make something then that’s lovely but no pressure and no expectations.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/12/2025 18:25

KimHwn · 20/12/2025 16:39

It's really quite unfair and unkind for you to expect an 11-year old to spend such a huge chunk of her money on gifts. What a horrible situation to put her in. Obviously MIL is being a cow but that's not the biggest issue here imo.

Indeed. I find this quite astonishing. She's ELEVEN!

JayJayj · 21/12/2025 18:26

I think the amount is fine but I don’t think she should have to use all her pocket money for it.

Dagnabit · 21/12/2025 18:26

You make her spend 4 month’s worth of pocket money on presents? MIL isn’t the only unreasonable one here! Do you spend 4 month’s of income on presents? 🤔

Borka · 21/12/2025 18:29

catontheironingboard · 21/12/2025 14:49

^This! It all sounds crazy. An 11-year-old might be encouraged to buy her mum and dad or siblings a small token present (and you should give her the money for this; she hasn’t got a job); but to expect family presents for all adults plus a dog from a child is absolutely ridiculous, and I’ve never heard anything like it.

Your MIL sounds really nasty, but everyone in this situation is being unreasonable towards a child. A hand-drawn card and a box of Maltesers each would be a lovely present from a kid that age; and I suggest next year you pay for a stock of Maltesers boxes and ask your DD to make some cards to go with for all the relatives. And stuff the dog!

Show quote history

And stuff the dog!

That's a bit harsh, the dog hasn't done anything wrong!

Single50something · 21/12/2025 18:31

I dont know any/many 11 year olds that use their own money or specifically buy gifts from their own money. My nephews in their 20s still get included on the gift label that the parents pass over. Which seems a bit much as I obv have to buy for all of them individually.. seems sad/mad that she uses 4 months of her pocket money :(

Laura95167 · 21/12/2025 18:53

You should remind DMIL you dont get guaranteed a gift or to dictate how much someone should budget on your gift.

She can accept the gift with a thank you or she can go without

Your DD is doing you proud

Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 18:57

axolotlfloof · 21/12/2025 17:53

Young children don't need to buy presents . What a waste of her money.
Adults don't need presents from children.
Perhaps she can do some promises. A car wash, homemade cookies etc

Tbh, we do give children gifts that they can offer each others because we do want them to do so later on in life…exchange nice things and good memories (not so much stuff)…
we also do ask them what they want to offer to mum and dad and provide that too…lol

I guess, we do want them to give. But we do pay for that as they are young! The elders “participates”…£1 for each gifts as he is getting around understanding finances but evidently don’t have £1000s to his name.