Mil guilt tripping 11 yo over not spending enough on presents

[Y7mum]

So because my mums side of the family is Austrian we celebrate and give gifts on the 24th but also the 25th because of other relatives. My 11yo dd is the only child in the close family and she usually buys everyone a small present for Christmas eve up to about 7 pounds a person for about 6 people and makes a gift, such as writing a personalised story herself or decorating a piec,which she also loves, for Christmas day. Everyone gives smaller Christmas eve presents in our family. Often she ends up having to buy 1 or 2 Christmas day presents due to time not mentioning dog present and aunt on dh's side who she buys for.

With 6 seven pound presents, about 3 10 pound Christmas day presents and a 5 pound dog present that's nearly 80 quid and we want her to buy presents with her own money. She gets 20 a month pocket monet so it's four months of pocket if she spent none between September and Christmas. Most of family are fine with this and like the homemade present but mil keeps hinting at how it is stingy and rude.

I think what she spends is fine for her age, and your MIL is being weird expecting more, but also I think it’s a lot compared to her pocket money so I might consider giving her £40-£50 and then she can add some of her own money rather than paying for the lot out of her money. I also think homemade gifts are lovely and much more meaningful than spending more money.

My instinct is the latter. I can’t imagine a child in a non pressurised environment turning down a pocket money raise to help buy presents.

Doh! I clearly didn't do the maths. That's even better though, right? If she's currently spending £80? I mean you could make it less than that but it seems like a roundish number if she's a sensible girl and will save if encouraged.

MIL is BVU but you are BVVVU to expect an 11 year old to use four months pocket money on Xmas presents.

I give DS9 £50 at Christmas, for him to buy gifts for whoever he would like to. Usually the dog comes off best. It’s good to instil generosity, and to get children into the habit of choosing thoughtful gifts for loved ones- but they don’t need to use their own money!

Have a word with your dh, he needs to tell his mother to put a sock in it and have some manners.

As an adult, I wouldn't want my 11yo relative spending (much) money on a Christmas gift for me! She should be managing the budgeting for her Christmas shopping and if she wants to spend her own money that's her choice. But at 11 most kids don't have any variable source of income - if the parents aren't giving them money specifically for Christmas shopping then it's savings from their allowance or gift money THEY have received, and I'm sure they have other legitimate uses for that. So if they do find something they think I'd like for a few pounds, say at a church fair or secondhand shop, that's perfect. Or homemade is great - and even that often costs money for the materials. If MIL's comments are interfering or making your daughter doubt that her gifts are fine, I'd ask her dad (as he'll be the closest one) to ask his mother firmly to stop.

As her parent, I'd probably raise her pocket money in general (you could do it at New Year, or on her birthday) and make another excuse like it's because she's older or because of rise in COL.

Look up the "Let Them" theory.

In summary......if your mil thinks it's rude ...let her
If she wants to make digs...let her.

If you know the truth and value of your traditions etc.and remember you can never please everyone so....let them think what they want.

You do you and all that kind of thing

Are you being serious?
11 year old buying presents for people with her own money?
I have adult relatives (next generation) who don't buy gifts (and they earn more than I do).
This is crazy, a home made gift from a child relative would mean more to me than anything money could buy.
You MIL is totally out of order, how dare she, what a dreadful woman. No right to expect anything from anyone, needs to give her head a wobble and think about the true meaning of Christmas.

Drop that MIL grandma off the poor child’s shopping list altogether. When I was 11 I preferred the dogs, cats and other assorted pets to some of the relatives so would definitely buy the dog a present in preference to this grandmother.

I wish I could remember what I used to do with mine but I know they weren’t under any pressure to buy gifts that would satisfy a grabby, bad mannered relative.

All sounds very confusing. I don't think she should be giving more than one gift to the same person, whether it's gifted on Christmas eve or Christmas day. We don't see everyone on Christmas day anyway so gifts will be given whenever we first see people over the festive period. And if MIL asks you can tell her about what DD gave you. I assume MIL herself is being given her presents on xmas itself being the other side of the family?

She doesn't need to spend more. She doesn't need to spend anything if she does some crafting or baking or making. Could you support her to make and decorate batches of gingerbread or something to cover a load of relatives gifts? Truffles is another one our kids do, easy to make and at least as nice as bought ones. I'd be thrilled to receive made gifts from anyone, adult or child.

If you're going to stick with her buying stuff then maybe chuck her an extra £50 at the beginning of December to help with it.

A tactful discussion with MIL seems in order. You could drop in how proud you are of DD's generosity - does she realise she's spend three whole months of pocket money and made things on top? Does she even understand that you do most of your gifts on the 24th?

Delightful 😳.

Agreed. This is far too much pressure on an 11 year old; she'll grow up resenting buying gifts with all of this pressure. It shouldn't be a chore, or expectation.

Tbh think it's awful you have let her spend 4 months of her pocket money on other people's presents.

I think that's fine for an adult but not if she's guilt tripping a child.

Why on earth hasn't your husband said something to her long before now OP? I have no idea why people think it's up to you to say something unless your DH is too much of a mummies boy to defend his own daughter.

Your expectations for your child to spend months worth of pocket money on presents for other people is equally batshit though. Frankly you sound like an odd family all round IMO.

I think it is wonderful that she is managing to buy presents at all out of her own saved pocket money, and even more wonderful that they are generous presents, and with some in addition hand-made too.

Well done her.

Ignore MIL.

You didn't "forget to mention".

You specifically said

and we want her to buy presents with her own money.

Quit with the nonsense.

When we were young( db,ds and me),we had a certain amount of pocket money and bought small presents,eg a pen or a bar of chocolate. Around 11 dm helped us make home made sweets,which we wrapped in coloured paper and were well received. Nowadays probably forbidden on grounds of Health and Safety!We made gift tags,cutting up old Christmas cards with pinking shears,and yes,we saved and reused wrapping paper. This was in the years after WW2,but we carried on for some time!

I would never expect my 11 year old to spend 4 months of saved spending money on Christmas presents for adults. Unless you all are spending 4 months of salary on her, which would be ridiculous. Help her to make small token gifts for everyone (biscuits) with ingredients you help her to buy. Otherwise seems very unfair financially for her. A couple £5 presents for parents or siblings, fine, but not for the whole bloody family and the dog too.

How can you give her pocket money that is supposed to be for her use and expect her to buy for everybody and the flipping Goldfish. She either needs more pocket money or you tell all these people and the dogs that she is a child and should not worry financial pressure at Christmas. You know
what it is about and it certainly not about presents. You teach her to get into debt for Christmas and to feel bad about what she can give. Tell your monster in law to do
one

100% 👏

I don't think she should be spending any (or very little/ up to half) or her own pocket money on family presents. Her own friends is a different matter but of she is expected to buy for so many people then you need to give her the budget for it

I voted for the 3rd option but could have done with a 4th which is at that age I think you should contribute to buying the presents, albeit I don’t think the value of the present should increase.

What kind of person berates an 11yr old for how much they spend on gifts? Their own grandma, disgusting.