Mil guilt tripping 11 yo over not spending enough on presents

[Y7mum]

So because my mums side of the family is Austrian we celebrate and give gifts on the 24th but also the 25th because of other relatives. My 11yo dd is the only child in the close family and she usually buys everyone a small present for Christmas eve up to about 7 pounds a person for about 6 people and makes a gift, such as writing a personalised story herself or decorating a piec,which she also loves, for Christmas day. Everyone gives smaller Christmas eve presents in our family. Often she ends up having to buy 1 or 2 Christmas day presents due to time not mentioning dog present and aunt on dh's side who she buys for.

With 6 seven pound presents, about 3 10 pound Christmas day presents and a 5 pound dog present that's nearly 80 quid and we want her to buy presents with her own money. She gets 20 a month pocket monet so it's four months of pocket if she spent none between September and Christmas. Most of family are fine with this and like the homemade present but mil keeps hinting at how it is stingy and rude.

Poor kid. Children really don't need to buy Christmas presents for anyone.
The whole thing sounds very materialistic.
I'm wondering if the only child in the extended family was a boy would the expectations be the same? I strongly suspect not.

You should be helping your DD out financially with the gift-buying. It's mean not to. I would just say 'there isn't a present for you MIL as you don't like small gifts'

I was assuming most 11 year olds don’t get £20 pocket money a month, but thinking about it, that is only £5 a week which won’t go far. I was behind the times.

I am very impressed she managed to use so much of her own money. I wouldn’t have been able to do that at her age.

You should give her the money for presents on top every Christmas, or an extra allowance pm to take account of what she’ll need to save.

I don’t see what spending 4 months of her pocket money teaches her. I don’t spend 4 months of wages on gifts for people.

If you want her to spend so much you need to help her or teach her that that is far too much to spend given what she has.

My dd is 21 and has a part time job whilst at Uni. I would never expect more than a token gift for me and her dad and maybe if gps were alive, a box of chocs or summat for them. Just tell her next year, to stop pressies or be clear that you will pay.

You shouldn't be expecting her to buy presents out of her own money. However, that is a separate issue from your incredibly rude MIL.

It's bonkers. If she must give something then you should give her an allowance (separate to pocket money) or buy something for her to put her name on

And stop the present for the dog

I completely agree. An 11 year old should not feel a financial pressure at Christmas fgs

Is this a wind up?

No 11yo should be spending that amount on gifts.

Especially for an ungrateful MIL - even though she really does need a new broomstick.

Your MIL is grabby, overbearing, and rude. Even if it left me short of money I'd buy the miserable ingrate £60 worth of potatoes or cabbages (nothing that would keep well, mind) and ask if she prefers that? After all, it's not the thought that counts is it? It's the overall spend...

Ridiculous of your mil.

adults can buy their own stuff

This is a direct (and rightly) criticism of you and your DH.
Why would you make her do that?

for context, my 18 yo (still at school) with a weekend job bought me a present from her own money and DH popped the money back in her account . I’d prefer she spent her work money/ saved it for herself than on me.

and your 11 yo is being made to spend her pocket money on a dog???

Gifts from children all ‘hand made’ in our family. I treasure the pictures and things I’ve been gifted over the years, a lovely way to track how they are growing up.

MiL needs to be firmly spoken to by her DS, who needs to put a stop to her expectations. Sooner rather than later.

Would you spend 4 months of your salary on gifts for extended family?

It's already ridiculous that she's spending so much of her own money. MIL needs to be told firmly to stop being so rude and I think you need to either give more money or suggest she cuts down on her gift giving.

. I read somewhere that a good aim of how much to spend on Christmas gifts is anywhere between 1% and 3% of yearly income.
I reckon that DH and spend 2-3%.l each year. It varies.
OP your DD is spending 33% of her pocket money on gifts! I think that’s too much (unless she is choosing to do so herself and it’s it is her money if she really wants to do that but i would be telling her that’s far too much and if she really wants to buy her own gifts then perhaps a £1 pack of biscuits or chocolate eg would be plenty enough. )

I don’t expect anyone that age to be spending on gifts and home made gifts that age are perfect. And so rude of your MIL to think she’s being stingy!! What does she actually expect?!
my first job was a paper route at 13 and I since I was earning I decided I wanted to buy everyone a gift and I bought everyone a 10p mix up 😂 (that’s each not to share 😜)

This is ridiculous. It's one thing if they tell the children to make christmas gifts (drawings, cookies, crafts etc) but I can't believe they tell children to buy christmas gifts. They aren't working- they are in school- so where would their money come from if not the parents?

I think it's crazy that you expect your daughter to save up her allowance to buy presents for adults. Noone in my family would accept this. And you might say that she wants to and she won't let you help her- it's because you made her feel that she should do this- you clearly said in your OP that you wanted this. It's crazy and she's not learning anything from it except to cater to other's, adults', needs before her own. Sorry OP but that's shitty parenting.

In our family we give presents from our family to Mil, aunt, uncle etc. Our family includes dh, me and two teens (15 and 12). When they start working they will buy their own gifts but not before that. Sometimes they want to take from their savings to buy something small for our birthdays (my favourite chocolate bar, dhs favourite crisps) which is very appreciated. But they are kids! No expectation should be set on them to buy things with money they don't earn.

If I were you I would either tell your dd that she makes homemade gifts (cookies are nice) or if she really wants to buy things since you got her into this habit then you save for it and give her the money for gifts in December.

I think she should be grateful she's getting a gift at all from an 11 year old. I didn't start buying gifts for people until I got a part time job at 16.

One of the things I miss about having young children is the home made presents, as it was the thought behind it, I still have a few of the ornaments they made for the tree, I lost loads when we had a water tank leak. Your daughter sounds wonderful and your MIL sounds like a mean old bag!

@Y7mum again, what has your MIL actually said? You said she has hinted. Has she actually said your DD is rude and stingy or have you picked her up wrong? If she has, I hope you tell her she's completely unreasonable and do something to protect your DD.

As other posters have said, it does sound like a lot of pressure to put on a child. She shouldn't be expected to buy presents for everyone out of her pocket money, bless her.

The part where your 11-year-old is spending one-third of her entire annual income on gifts for a bunch of adults.

What I your MIL actually saying? Is she saying it directly to your daughter? In what way? Like “I hope you’re going to spend more money on me this year than you did last year.”
I mean it’s absolutely horrific, she’s 11 for gods sake!

Absolutely horrific that your poor daughter has to spend 4 months of her pocket money on gifts for family? Never heard anything like it.

Either you fund it, or no gifts from a child to an adult.

It’s aimed at you! Give your dd £100 if she wants to buy everyone presents. Forget the dog. He/she will be quite happy with a few dog biscuits wrapped up.
Not quite sure if this is all real, sounds crazy to me.

Op, I think that you are trying to teach your dd to be kind and thoughtful and think of others but you may inadvertently be teaching her quite a few negative things here - to overspend on Christmas and buy stuff for the sake of buying stuff (for some quite ungrateful people). I would be very firm that it's either homemade gifts or very small ones that you pay for from now on.