First year without a Christmas present

[Esgusudoowchvi]

I've just realised that this will be the first year that I won't receive a Christmas present.

My two children are grown up and both have tiny babies. They've decided that presents should be children only. I'm glad that they can spend on the babies and not worry about anyone else.

Sister suggested children only.

My parents have sadly both died.

I'm meeting friends for Christmas drinks, but we won't be doing gifts.

We haven't arranged secret Santa at work this year.

None of these is a problem. I love buying presents and have enjoyed finding things for my children, grandchildren, niece and nephew. Just unusual to not open a suprise on the day. No big deal though

Your kids not buying for you is selfish. I have 2 kids, my sister and brother have none, so they buy for the kids and we buy for them - this was my suggestion as it didn’t seem fair that they had to buy for kids and adults. I think you may need to let it go this year as they both have newborns, but I hope they ask you what you got for Christmas so you can let them know that you received nothing… not to cause an argument, just as a fact so they can reflect and hopefully adjust in the future! IMO, the fact you’re on your own should also have motivated them to make more effort. Hope you have a really good Christmas.

Who on earth decides to just announces they're not getting their mam a gift for Christmas?

A key point of growing into a decent adult human being is when you reach an age to learn to gift back to your parents. It's a 'coming of age' point in life when you learn about not being selfish.

Presents do not ever need to be expensive so I don't buy 'money' as an issue to gift giving, throughout the great depression and world wars people still put effort and thought into finding ways to give back.

I believe that co-worker, neighbors, random aunts/uncle and in laws etc... shouldn't worry about buying random token presents for people they barely know but you're their MOTHER... the person that (I'm logically assuming) gave them all their childhood Christmases.

Assuming you have a good relationship then they just look uncaring and thoughtless to think (or not think of the fact that) 'I cant be arsed getting mam anything this year, so I guess she can just do with out' and not having awareness that their self imposed rule is greedy and only really benefits their household/themselves.

As their mam you'll down play it, your obviously not going to demand a gift (that would be equally rude) but that level of pure thoughtlessness from them isn't good personality trait to have and reflects badly on them.

Yes to the cost thing. Someone taking the time to pick me out a second hand book from a book shop would be very touching, for example.

This wouldn’t bother me. If I still had a good relationship with my children when they become adults, I wouldn’t mind not having presents from them. I would buy myself a book for Christmas!

You absolutely should treat yourself to something frivolous.

Your grown up kids should absolutely be getting you a present! How selfish of them

Buying for yourself isn’t the same but also yes it is something.

This part is key “So buying yourself a gift doesn’t correct what happened before, but it may be something you can do for yourself to soften the blow, especially if you’re redirecting the funds you may have wasted on others towards yourself”

It did leave a bitter taste in my mouth when I bought for all of my childhood friends kids and didn’t even get a text on my birthday, so now I use the time effort and money I’d spend on her kids gifts, to plan and pay for a little city break or to do a nice local experience on my birthday. So now when I get ignored on my birthday I don’t feel nearly as annoyed 😀

I have been begging my family and friends for years not to buy anything besides wine, which will be drunk gratefully.

Every year I am gifted multiple pieces of plastic landfill and it drives me bloody nuts. I'd love to be in your shoes.

I disagree with presents for children only. For a few reasons - we should show all our loved ones they matter to us, old and young, children should see Christmas is about giving, not just receiving, children should see people being kind and generous and thoughtful to other adults (how else will they learn to be kind and generous adults). Nobody should be left with nothing to open on Christmas or their birthday, even if that thing is a voucher or promise of a future experience together.
If money is a concern, spend less on everyone, don't leave people out.

I think its awful of your DD not to buy for you. I tell my mum to only buy for the kids, and she agrees, and then always buys me something too, and I always buy something from her and my dad too. Like PP's have said, its good for children to see adults getting presents too, and also buying presents for people too.

I assumed that in saying ‘just to buy for the kids’, that the OP’s own children were saying not to get for them, just for their little ones.

I was wondering that.

This wouldn't bother me at all; I would rather my children spent money on their own children and lives.

I would go out and buy myself something, though. In fact, I would probably make a day of wandering around the shops, having a nice coffee or lunch and just buying myself a nice new thing.

I have young kids and it IS hard, but I also think we need to make sure everyone is taken care of at Christmas - Mum/Granny needs somewhere to go for the meal and some gifts that show they thought of her. That doesn’t mean buying something, it could be the kids making an ornament or cookies.

I could see your point more if the adults i.e OP’s kids have chosen this route mutually before they are alone, then they will have their first year without a gift much earlier and all their own idea. But I think Christmas is about community. My 3 and 5yo make and buy gifts for each other and grandparents- so they are learning that thoughtfulness.

OP, I hope your kids think this through before the day of and you are pleasantly surprised. I also think this is a perfect year for one of those 12 days of calendars.

Buy yourself a present (or two) and wrap them.

@quietlysad

I disagree with a lot of the comments here. It’s really, really hard for young parents at the moment and I think it’s totally reasonable that they have decided to make Xmas gifts about the children only. Tbh I actually think Xmas gifts should be for children only anyway and that the rest of us should just celebrate and spend time together.
I think buy for your grandchildren and then treat yourself to something lovely. Xmas is really about so much more than gifts xx

Well from what I understand they’re expecting to receive gifts from OP too, and they’re adults - so they’re not making it only about the children when it comes to them are they?

They’re just making it not about OP though 😬

Also there’s no way grown adults - unless in a desperate situation and on the breadline which Op would’ve mentioned - can’t afford to buy a present for their mum. Even at worst the siblings could club together and even buy ONE present from all of them!

Christmas is about giving as well as receiving so even if they were skint but yet managing to find the money for their kids (and probably each other) ie. Not that skint - they could surely find something for their mum.

If money is a concern, spend less on everyone, don't leave people out

This!

Yes, I agree. I luckily learned about not putting effort in for certain people at a young age. I remember getting my friends gifts at school for birthdays etc, putting effort into getting something nice and presenting it well, then they would say my gift has been lost in the post or whatever! So yeah, I learned really quickly to not over-extend myself, definitely won’t be doing the same for my friend’s kids when they have them! I try and only buy for a handful of people now.

If it's kids only then it's kids only. Buy for the grandbabies and treat yourself to something with the money you would have spent on your adult kids.

I’ve just wrapped a bottle of perfume up from me to me.

The joys of menopause brain fog means it will almost definitely be a surprise come Christmas Day 🫣🤭

There was a rather lovely thread last year where those of us who had few expectations (for whatever reason) of receiving a gift wrote what we'd bought ourselves, wrapped and put under the tree.

Of course there were a few sneery grinches, but most people thought it was lovely that we'd spent some time and effort on ourselves. Guaranteed to get something you want and you get that little buzz of waiting to have it. It's like giving yourself a little hug.

My kids have got their act together now (basically got older) so I do get some surprises, but I'm still going to get myself something new as a treat.

I don’t actually think your children are being very fair here. It’s fine to say “gifts for kids only” when there are kids on both sides, but when there aren’t what they’re basically saying is “give my kids gifts” which is rude, IMO.

That aside, if you wanted a surprise to open on the day, a couple of suggestions:

1. If you’re a reader - https://www.thebeautifulbookcompany.com/book-boxes?page=2 do lovely surprise book hampers.
2. Have you considered a surprise holiday? There are lots of companies that allow you to pay a set amount and will select a holiday for you and send the details in a sealed envelope. You can narrow the requirements down to e.g. UK only, city breaks, etc.

I really wish I’d learned this in my younger days too rather than fairly recently in my 30s, as you can’t get that time or money back.

It’s a good life lesson to not over extend yourself and invest your energy and resources wisely in selected people.

For me it’s fine giving things as a one off even if it’s not reciprocated, but when it’s a pattern where you’re regularly pouring into someone and getting little back it sets up an unhealthy dynamic - especially when they end up feeling entitled.

Fair enough for them to say no presents at all but I don't think anyone has a right to pretty much say you can buy for our DC but we won't be buying presents for any adults.

'it’s really, really hard for young parents at the moment'

This is mumsnet, an awful lot of us have been or are young parents... didn't turn us selfish though. Most of us do not just say 'oh we've decided that you just buy for our household but don't worry we aren't planning on bothering with getting you anything'

'I think that the rest of us should just celebrate and spend time together'

Your assuming the OP has anyone to spend it with, clearly no one is really thinking about the impact on her. She has not mentioned them having a big family Christmas just that her kids are only thinking of their own families. If they haven't spared a second to think that she won't have a gift I doubt the spent a second to worry if shes alone.

'I have enjoyed finding things for my children, grandchildren, niece and nephew'

Even if she is invited, She has bought for everyone else... how bloody rude of adults to make one person sit their empty handed and watch everyone else open all their gifts.

If you tell people you don't want any gifts thats one thing because its your choice but for others to decide for you that you are the one being actively excluded from the gift giving (which is still happening) is just gross.