Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

I have my seat right where it suits me, don’t worry.

I suggest curry. Or turkey pizza 😂

Oh god how I feel your pain. My FIL is just a prick. As we all gathered for champagne on Christmas Day last year his opening comment was “why are there so many black people in adverts now ?”.

I did a beautiful stocking for him and as he opened each present, he literally looked like he was unwrapping a series of increasingly large dog turds. Emptied an entire gravy boat on to his plate and just humiliated me at every possible opportunity with withering looks and comments. Even my daughter was prompted to say “gosh he really seems to dislike you”.

Having previously regularly delivered food to him I stopped completely and have only seen him once this year but he’ll be back for Christmas this year.

Alternatively, it’s not too late to just buy a round dining table. That’d confuse him 😂

Hi OP. Assuming you have two ends of the table?

Set the table for FIL at 'the head', seat MIL at the other end.

Leave enough space for the turkey in front of MIL and put it there when you bring it in(assuming everyone is already seated at this point.) DARE anyone to mention it...

This is DREADFUL. Why is your DH expecting you to along with this charade?

I feel stabby on your behalf just reading this!

Awful for your kids to see this level of entitlement and twattery.

Out of interest, what is your own DH doing to pitch in?

I swear everyone on MN is nicer than me because I would pull him up on every single thing. I wouldn’t let him sit at the head of the table. I’d ask him why he pulls a face at presents and food he doesn’t like. I’d ask him which presents he bought for us. You’re a better woman than I am OP.

I feel stabby

It's definitely not generational. My lovely and much missed grandfathers would never in a million years have been so rude. There were traditional gender roles and they didn't cook, but they always asked where to sit, said thank you to their wife or the cook after every meal and helped to clear up.

I notice some are saying this is a generational thing. My daughter’s partner (late 20’s) is the same and he expected to be served by the little women in the family. He was soon put in his place by DS and DP.

Totally agree. I wouldn’t allow this behaviour to be modelled in front of my children. Yes, I feel sorry for your MIL, but it’s partly her fault that he continues to behave like this.

No matter what I would be sitting at the end of my own table this year. I would get the kids to unroll an official scroll and announce in loud voices who is to sit where and pull out their chair for them. Have it down to the last two and you get the prized end chair 😂

Oh and nobody needs to taste the turkey. I mean if he said he didn’t like it would everyone go hungry!

Don't have him back, I beg you!

People seem to think ‘nodding and smiling’ is top end diplomacy and they’ll get some kind of medal for it.

I just can't get over that you haven't pointed out to your husband how fucked up this all is - or that he doesn't see it for himself. It's like cult of FIL.

There's no way I'd be going along with all this nonsense and not saying a word because having grown up like that it will have affected your DH one way or another.

Your DH needs the scales to be falling from his eyes and quick IMO.

Are we related?
Sadly in my case, if we don’t go along with the Great Male Guest charade my MIL will then suffer later. In fact we all will as he’s a shouty, obnoxious asshole who shames my husband. Though last year I did say I was never hosting again so that’s good!

I don't think it's being better! - Also not knocking the OP in saying this because I know how difficult these situations are.

My youngest son is having a patio completed next week. The digger and driver are back for the next phase ( lots of digging out of mud) on Monday. Digger driver is lovely ( and absolutely definitely the type who would 'have a tea break ' whilst you buried someone if you slipped him an extra 20 quid. If you gave him 30 he'd probably do the burying for you)

This is partly what put me off Christmas. Even as a child, I'd be running around with the women of the family to serve Christmas dinner and wash up afterwards, while the males of the family lounged on sofas, drinking alcohol and falling asleep in front of James Bond. They would then inevitably wake up if ever a woman changed the channel to something more interesting, and insist on, "I was watching that!"

Needless to say, if I ever have a son, he will be as domesticated as his sisters!

You could set a place with a big throne chair, big golden goblet and golden cutlery. And a crown to wear.

With people like this, you have to decide in advance that you won't play the game and be fully prepared to tolerate the discomfort it generates. But...Christmas Day isn't the best day to choose for this as it will create an atmosphere that will ruin it for everyone else.

I might be tempted to do a seating plan with name cards, and your DH at the head of the table. I might also be tempted to nod and smile when asked if you have made things to his specifications but do them your own way.

I'd simply not react at all to his critiques of presents, food, wine, anything, just make him invisible to you. I used to simply smile and walk out of the room, pretending I had some wifely thing to attend to when my dad played the Grand Disgruntled Patriarch.

Why on earth don't you tell him to move from the head of the table!

Give him jobs, and don't be shy about it.

I have a sudden urge to turn on the wood-chipper.

I haven't heard about any of those. Such as?

Change it up, OP, I did this a few years ago for similar reasons. I put everything out on the kitchen worktops/breakfast bar and people take a plate and serve themselves. I then carry the spare food in to put in the middle of the table. It then means that everyone just takes a free seat in the dining room and there's no palaver about who sits where. Also stops any form of ceremony very effectively.