Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table

hmmm that says it all. Can you spend the next year working out how to lay the table so that there isn’t a place that looks like the head of the table? Does he carve the turkey? Can you avoid him being served first and people waiting for him to taste it first?

I’m annoyed just reading your post OP. He’s infuriating

I like that.

What does DH do in respect of prep, you seem to do the cooking? How much gift buying does he do?

I totally get that ‘calling people out’ in the Mumsnet way isn’t always doable or even reasonable, but this is one of those occasions where I actually feel a bit frustrated reading the OP as this whole charade is so easily solved with a little grit.

You tell DH dinner is plated and on the side in the kitchen, you then go and sit at the head of the table and call ‘dinner’s ready, everyone’. He can hardly kick you out of your own chair.

If he moans about a gift, ask brightly but politely if you should take it back and swap it for something else.

This is an example you set to your children. FIL is a grumpy so and so, but I’m a strong minded (but I hope fair) person and he wouldn’t be rude to my face, nor would he sit at the head of the table and insult my cooking.

I also have a Fil like this and it runs through their entire lives.

mil has always enabled this abusing egotistical twat beyond belief.

it took dh to meet me and have a family of his own to come to the sudden realisation that he too enabled his father for far too long.

the last time we hosted them for Xmas was the absolute worst.

he turned up empty handed apart from one small beer and a dessert for himself while mil cringed in the corner be cause of course he has the purse strings.

he then sat and ate most of the chocolates of put out for everyone.

double checked I hadn’t put onion garlic or any seasoning in any food for the day,ate his dinner and then told mil to wrap up some meat for himself while to have at home as they didn’t buy any because he knew we would have left overs !!

he was promptly told absolutely not as his grandchildren would be eating it and he went to the car in a huff without even muttering a thank you

never had them round again and we are fairly low contact with them now and have been for years for various reasons connecting to him thinking he’s fucking King Charles

As other posters have said: it’s your house, and you’re doing all the work. Seat yourself at the head of the table and have the first taste yourself! I’d pay to see FIL’s reaction, it would be amazing!

December is his busiest time of year, long hours, lot of stress so the gift buying, decorating and planning falls mostly to me, and he’s very appreciative of that.

Once he gets holidays, he pitches in with the prep, cleaning etc. He won’t let me lift a finger on the 26th.

He sounds a bit like my FIL. I don't cook for him any more - when we see them, we go out for lunch (and he pays 😀) or I can just about cope if it's a big family get together with a buffet (there are 20+ people so can't seat everyone round a table) so I can ignore him.

Maybe do a beef wellington insted of turkey this year.

Definitely put place cards on table to make seating plan clear. If we’re hosting, dh and I go at each end of table. If you have kids, get them to make the name cards, then it’s churlish for anyone to object. And, do not wait for his verdict on the turkey. That is ridiculous and only happens if you all go along with it.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree with this. I call my FIL out for his behaviour. If he makes one of his 'comments' I just ask him to repeat himself. He can't because he knows he looks like a wanker. When he treats his wife like shit I tell him off. He hates me. I hate him. Been that way for 20 years. I wasn't brought up by my parents to tolerate that kind of treatment so when I met his son at 18 and didn't comply he hated it.

With LOTS of mushrooms!🤣🤣🤣🤣

What about on the 25th? If his dad is so fussy I would delegate cooking to him?

I like the idea of plating in the kitchen then picking up yours and sitting down with it at the head of the table as you tell everyone to go collect theirs. If there's any protest or suggestion of shuffling places maybe something like 'I think I've earned the choice of where I sit at MY table for a change' and repeat versions of those words until they give up.
'I know you're not keen on that FIL, but others at the table are'
'I know you don't like sprouts, but others do, which is why I'll always cook some.'
'Thank you MIL, it's a lovely present. You always wrap them so beautifully too.'
'Do you not like your present? Just give it back to me now and I'll return it. No, don't open the box, give it to me now so that I can return it and give you the refund cash. Oh well, you've opened the box, you're stuck with it now. '

Ah. I take it you’re a younger woman. Wait till menopause and beyond. I find that I and my friends have no inclination or ability in some cases anymore to put up with this stuff.

In fact, a friend had a similar situation in her family. She cheerfully stopped getting visiting FIL and BILs coffee or anything and said that they never got her anything either when hosting so best she didn’t as she wouldn’t embarrass them any further. Went fine. They whispered and looked at her like a bomb that was about to blow but sucked it up.

I suspect that King Charles - having been properly brought up and schooled in good manners - would behave far more nicely than your FIL.

Ooh, I have the rage on your behalf. I only ever have my husband sitting at the head of my table. It brings to my mind one of those little Reader’s Digest stories where some woman who livid in the back of Australia’s beyond happened to be entertaining the Governor. After afternoon tea, he proclaimed “thank you, that was so lovely, I look forward to sitting at the head of the dinner table this evening “. She just said “only one man sits at the head of my table and that’s my husband “.

I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be serving dinner until the head of my household was sitting at the head of my table. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it, dinner just wouldn’t be happening until I (the cook!) was happy. Fuck him.

There are numerous public examples of where he’s behaved otherwise I’m afraid.

How about you sit there? Or are you not an equal partner in the household?

Op has said he just ignores seating plans

It’s not generational - it’s just rude. My father, or FIL, wouldn’t dream of sitting a the head of the table in my or any of my siblings houses unless invited to, and he’s in his 80s. He always asks where he should sit. Thinking about it, my grandfather always asked as well when they came to visit. And he was born at the turn of the last century!!

Shame he'll be so set in his ways and pandered to for so long he won't change his ways! If I were you I'd be tempted to plonk myself at the head of the table tbh or carve the turkey in the kitchen before he has a chance to do his performance piece of carving and tasting it.

My fil is a funny character, he also will pull a face at a present or act like he's not arsed, and I refuse to make cups of tea for him as he's so picky about it, he will taste one and grimace and insist the water wasnt changed from the kettle when it definitely was etc, he takes pride in telling a story when he sent tea back a few times in a cafe til they got it right etc. Bloody princess!

On so many of these threads I wonder why some families even bother to spend it together. Most people sound like they are in for a miserable Christmas.

That’s a good idea. You could say “FiL do you want to check that it’s not poisoned or give us some cooking tips?”

I think later posters have missed, as I did, that in previous years your MiL and SiL rearranged seating place cards, to it’ll have to be incremental revenge, I fear.