When is the right time to let your child know Father Christmas isn’t real?

[Greyhoundnewbie]

My Husband thinks they should know before secondary school. And I do agree really. But my Dd is 9 and the youngest in her year (year 5) and she completely and utterly believes in all of it.
I feel like after this year, 1 more Christmas, and the she needs to know, it feels so harsh.

Just looking for other views, and what some of you have done in the past. All my friends have younger children so I can’t get any advice in real life.

Belief in Father Christmas doesn’t consign you to an overly commercial Christmas, nor do the many parents of teens who have long declared their unbelief suddenly get a pass on spending money at Christmas.

Fair enough making your own decisions about this kind of thing, absolutely do what works for your family, but it doesn’t make you morally superior to have declared to your 4yo that it’s all a lie.

Also, I’m slightly laughing at encouraging your 4yo to question things… my 5yo literally hasn’t stopped questioning things since he was about 15 months and he could ask “why?

I remember when I was a kid knowing FC wasn't real but pretending I thought he was because I thought I'd get more presents that way. It was probably from about 7 or 8.
My mum still insists and is convinced I did believe and absolutely won't be told I didn't, although why I'd lie about it even as an adult is beyond me. So maybe they do know.

I was only a year older when I worked it out, I still feel like Christmas was magical as a child, the lights, snow, tree etc. I don’t remember losing out because I didn’t believe. I guess it just made me feel a little bit special and grown up because nobody knew and I was trusted to keep the secret with the adults.

We have spoken about it being a secret and not to tell her class so fingers crossed. My DN was so curious, he was asking everyone for their thoughts until he was convinced and then went and told everyone he definitely wasn’t real.

I don’t think Santa is as much of a ‘thing’ in my family generally, I don’t think anyone has been a believer past 7/8 years old. Even working with children 11 seems very old for a believer.

Well I know the wrong time...
DS1 was nearly 6 and said he wondered whether father Christmas was real, I told him he wasn't. It was a parenting failure as I'm sure he could have enjoyed the myth for at least another year or two.
He was sworn to secrecy so he didn't spoil it for DS2.

To be honest he played the part of believer so convincingly that I rather think all these "late believers" are doing it for the parents sake.

Oh get real for goodness sake.

Read them the "Hogfather" by Terry Pratchett (at half an hour a day it will take over a week but it's an excellent story.

It isn't about Father Christmas, it's about the Discworld equivalent mystical present-delivering thing The Hogfather.

However it's a perfect way to introduce the idea without going "OK, we lied"

Don't just show them the movie, it doesn't do the important bit properly. There's an explanation towards the end that makes a huge amount of sense. That believing in things like the hogfather and the toothfairy are important for children as practice for believing in really big impossible things when you're an adult - things like fairness/justice - being human involves believing and hoping that the world can be better and that belief helps us to build that world. It explains that it's ok to believe in things you know aren't real.

Your DC already suspect that FC isn't real. They worry that if they show you any evidence of unbelief, there might not be presents any more.

Oh give over. She's 9 not 19. Disturbingly incurious? Smh

Never had the conversation myself, nor did my siblings or any of my kids. They ‘grow out’ of it and it’s all in the subtleties and implications. I remember being about 12 and dad asking if it was time to put the mince pie out for Santa on Christmas Eve with a bit of a wink and smile, I still did it for years after (with younger siblings also) because it’s tradition and fun and the role of the elder child is to sort of keep the magic going for the younger ones.
All mine are past ‘real’ belief. It’s a bit like pantomime at this point but there’s no outright confrontation of ‘being lied to’ or devastation. I still tell them to go to sleep so Father Christmas can deliver their presents and tell them to listen out for sleigh bells 😂

I don’t think it’s any way a morally superior choice! I was just giving my personal reasons. I’m sorry if it came across that way :)

I also don’t mean I won’t be buying her presents, that would be awful 😂. As we won’t be doing Santa going forward, the focus can be on more than just Christmas lists, visits to Santa, winter wonderland type activities and more on what is important to us. I have explained more in another reply.

Oh gosh, the never ending cycle of why, what a joy! I meant more critical thinking and discernment though, I want her to question and reason for herself rather than asking.

My ds is an inquisitive chap and he told me he thought it was the parents and Santa wasn't real. So we talked about what real meant and that a concept is real as much as a physical person. So we landed on father Christmas being very much real but maybe doesn't actually bring presents.

What charity work will your four year old be doing, out of interest @BabyHairs ?

Definitely before secondary school!
My youngest is 11 in January so year 6, this is her first year not believing, she completely did believe last year. She asked me at some point over the last year and I could see she had big doubts so just told her the truth. About 1/2 her class still believe.
My eldest is 14 now and was the same, stopped believing the Christmas she was in year 6.
I always thought if they still seemed to totally believe in year 6 I would go with it but that would be the last time before I told them.

My mum had to tell me really young as my older brothers told me santa comes down the chimney and takes the youngest child and swaps them for presents I was terrified of him taking me away 🤣

Why do you have to tell them? No one ever told me and my mum would still say he’s real if I asked now. I don’t understand telling kids. They’ll figure it out.

Never, I let them try and persuade me that he isn't real. 'Really are you sure?'

If you've told a 4 year old FC isn't real, what will you do about the tooth fairy? Presumably when her teeth fall out you just say ok, here's a coin, I'll throw your tooth away, or maybe she won't get anything?

I’ll never understand why anyone has to have some great reveal about this. I always just said, “what a shame not to believe in something so wonderful” and told them that I had to help him sometimes as all parents do. Kids aren’t stupid, they work it out but even at 56 with a 16 and 24 year old I still have a little bit of belief! Just emphasis what a magical time it is!

That’s fair enough, maybe I misunderstood. I do agree that much of the Christmas industry distracts from the best bits of Christmas. I won’t be making the choice you have, but nor do I think Christmas “magic” relies on unquestioning belief - I also have explained myself better in a different comment!

The tooth fairy was never “real” in my house, I just wanted the £1 anyway 😅

My 6yo DD has already figured it out. I probably failed answering all of her millions of indepth questions about the origin of elves and the practical process of the lapland gift making and delivery system. But, to stop you from worrying about the magic, she is still ridiculously excited about Christmas.

I would have thought most children around 10 actually know. They just like to keep pretending. I personally don't think you do really need to officially tell her.

My 11 year reminds me if the tooth fairy hasn't taken her tooth yet.

She knows. She's just playing along with me- cos she wants the cash.

You will find that they will tell you, probably a year or two after they’ve worked it out for themselves.

Sometimes school friends tell them but I’ve noticed that young children often regard it as a point of honour not to disillusion other children who still believe. I find that intriguing.

My daughter believed until then too. my younger 2 are currently 11 & one still believes & one doesn’t (hasn’t since last year) but i’ve never specifically told them

From the get go.

Lying to children is somehow socially accepted when it’s to do with Santa but a lie is a lie, children deserve the truth.

No one seems to care about how a child’s trust of their parents will get damaged when they do eventually find out they’ve been lied to from a young age. It certainly broke my trust. So many will say that’s worth it for the sake of this (strange and modern) tradition and I know I am in the far, far, very far minority here, but I don’t think it is.

Santa is fun for kids and we include him in Christmas celebrations but we tell it how it is. It’s not excluded, Santa is a fun story that was likely based on a real person who lived a long time ago, who was kind and generous.

Maybe even the moral of the story when it was originally told was to actually inspire kindness and generosity to others.

That’s food for thought isn’t it. What do we have instead though - a culture of wanting and greed, give me presents, more. The most delightful of human traits.

With my children, they knew that the Tooth Fairy, much like Father Christmas, was just part of a fun, pretend imagination game - but children love those. I often did elaborate notes from the tooth fairy and they loved playing along. I don't think it bothered them to know that it was just mum and dad.