Christmas despair - my children deserve more

[Exhaustedbones]

Not quite sure why I am posting. I have name changed for obvious reasons. I am on my knees. I lost my job last year and due to the job market have struggled to get a new one. I am a newly single parent, 2 dc One teen and one primary age. I have fought so so hard to get back on my feet. I have done consultancy work here and there, whatever temp jobs I can get. I have sold everything I can sell on vinted/ebay. I do surveys, I do focus groups etc. Anything and everything I can think of to get us through. My mental and physical health have taken an enormous battering. It is isolating and humiliating beyond belief. My oldest doesn't have a winter coat.

For some reason, the thought of Christmas makes me feel sick to my core. My poor kids. My poor poor kids. They are good as gold. They understand. But after the two years of family breakdown, bereavements, uncertainty and extreme financial pressure they deserve to feel the joy and spirit of Christmas. I feel that I am failing them so miserably and the thought is to heavy to carry at times.

I don't know why I am posting really. I am so sorry. I just wanted to share it somewhere as I have no one to talk to about this in real life.

One thing I learned from my own childhood, and I tried to do with my own children was "the greatest gift you can give your child is your time". I also cannot tell you one gift I received as a child (and there was a lot of tat) but I can remember ALL the places my parents took us. I am not talking about flashy days out.

One of my DC's favourite memories is of "snail rock". I used to live overseas and we had to wait for the bus to school in the dark, and it was next to a drop into the sea. There was a rock with snails on it and every morning I would talk about the rock and count them and make up stories, so no one wandered off and fell off a cliff! This is their fondest memory.

So, my point is OP, that some DC will be getting thousands spent on them this Christmas and still be bored shitless.

If you are in London try and see what free stuff is going on, and spend the TIME taking them and creating memories. I know that is not a solution for your finances, but you can create memories with time and a little money.

I second this - I buy a present every year through social services - brand new - what the children ask for (it is anonymous).

Secondly, I just want to say that your son sounds amazing and will grow up to be a lovely, kind man - As a teacher, I often notice this with boys who are living with a single mother who has a time of struggles - in many ways, it shapes them to be responsible and empathetic.

They absolutely are amazing. I just need to get back on my feet so I can support them. My eldest had been invited/selected for something related to his sports and he didn't tell me about it as he knew it would cost money. He is so talented and so deserving, he should not have to be so worried about the cost that he doesn't tell me.

OP I grew up very poor, in a complicated family, and Christmases are some of my best memories of childhood.

Our Christmases were magical, but not expensive. We went to the woods and picked holly and ivy to decorate the house. We couldn't afford a Christmas tree but would cut a branch and decorate that. We went carol singing and to church and drank mulled wine. We would go to a big Christmas lunch hosted by very kind people who took in misfits! When we were little we had stockings with small things, like chocolate. We did get small presents from wider family but no present from our parents.

What I loved was the amazing sense of conviviality, which is more about the people than the money you spend. This is not easy to create if you are feeling worn out and depressed yourself, so do prioritise looking after yourself. Giving to others is an excellent way to do that, as is being mindful of the narrative you have about yourself. You are providing your kids with a great example of resilience. You are their rock and you should be proud of that.

Sorry to hear of your troubles and I hope 2026 brings better things.

Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories. I am feeling so vulnerable, and I know I am not, not really so it is really comforting to hear everyone's thoughts and sharing their childhood experiences. I have reached out to my GP as I think I do need some MH support. Waiting for a call back from them.

Tell your kids schools that you are struggling. Our school wellbeing lead sends an open letter out most years asking families to come forward if Christmas is causing financial distress and she can help connect them with local services that can help.

Oh OP 😞 I’ve been where you are now. It’s miserable for you, but remember that your children have everything they need as they have a mum who loves, cares for and protects them.

I have a few tips, as my DH suddenly became jobless when I had a newborn and I became the sole wage earner as a freelancer. To boost income a bit, try online jobs like Outlier or the higher-paid research sites like Prolific. These are NOT reliable and are not replacements for a full-time job, but they are a way to top yourself up to cover expenses like Xmas. If you’re looking at AI training sites, do your research to make sure they are not scams.

The £10 a day threads (if they’re still running?) are great for finding casual work to do at home.

When things were really tight, I found that some foods give you a lot more nutritional bang for your buck. We ate a LOT of homemade lentil soup (red lentils, cheap tin of tomatoes, veggie stock, an onion, whatever leftover vegetables we had lying around). It is cheap and I always make practically a cauldron-full so I’ve got enough to feed us for multiple meals. I always found it made me feel calmer knowing that if I ran out of money, I had something healthy to feed everyone in the freezer for a few days. The basic, unbranded natural yogurt you can get from Tesco etc is also a very cheap way of getting protein and calcium into kids.

As far as Christmas goes, Google Christmas events in your area. As you’re in London, there will be loads of free stuff on. I remember one year when DS was still very small, we were absolutely on the bones of our arses and went to loads of Xmas light switch-ons, walks around the neighbourhood to see other houses’ lights, garden centres to look at the decoration displays etc etc. Cost absolutely nothing, DS loved it and it took my mind off worrying for a while.

@HopeMumsnetim not sure if your budget will extend but over on the Christmas bargain page someone posted this jacket which is available for £5

would that for for your dc?

https://www.millets.co.uk/16555234/peter-storm-kids-blisco-ii-hooded-jacket-16555234?sv_campaign_id=78888&sv_tax1=affiliate&sv_tax2=&sv_tax3=Skimlinks&sv_tax4=mumsnet.com/app&sv_affiliate_id=78888&awc=1521_1764181929_963e56ac45b4dd8102cdd9e7fbbfb98d&utm_source=affiliate78888&utm_medium=Sub+Networks&utm_campaign=Skimlinks

Hi everyone, one of the lovely posters here managed to sign post me to a local charity who has helped me secure a coat this evening. So many have offered their children's coats so I just wanted to let you know. I am so relieved and grateful.

I’m so sorry to read this OP. I just wanted to send you and your family my very best wishes during this difficult time, my heart goes out to you. 💐

Thank you for your kind words.

That sounds really tough and I’m so sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way.

On a practical basis, I can’t think of an awful lot to help, except this one tiny nugget - How young is the primary school child? When mine were about 5 and 7 the presents were looking a little slim. I put about 50 chocolate coins inside balloons. They had the best time popping them all. They can’t remember the presents they got that year but they (even at 9 and 11) still ask for the balloon game!

you can try to find local adopt a family for Christmas's group. My family organised loads of gifts and toys this year for another family and its been such a lovely experience for us and for them. Our local group is not asking for referrals you just ask for help and people will help

Christmas is the one time of year that families in my local area, and I suspect many others. do very well. OK your kids wont be getting the latest iphone or game console but the local food bank has to ask people not to donate more advent calendars and all local families in need can have food hampers, at least one gift per child and there are racks around with warm clothing. If anyone is truly in need of something specific like a microwave we have a local charity that will ask for them and there are normally at least 3 offers.

So besides the food bank, the school, the local library check any local Facebook pages. Rotary might fund a child's sport trip and you can also look for grants here https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

I grew up in a family where the stocking with an orange, a few sweets and a small coin was a treat. Meant I worked hard at school so I could escape poverty. Your children will be motivated to succeed.

If this is football related, reach out to the club involved. They have huge pockets exactly for this type of thing and will cover it.

I always bang the drum for Olio on these threads. If you download the app you will find people in your area, giving away free food that is on its sell by date, donated by supermarkets. By collecting food you are saving the food from landfill. It is not charity, not a food bank. You do not need any qualification to access the food. On my local olio today someone is giving away mince pies. In your position I would collect them and freeze them for Christmas. They are also giving away cookies, bread, Brussels sprouts, herbs and spices. You may need to traipse around a bit to the people giving it away.
At the risk of sounding mawkish, let’s remember the meaning of Christmas - the kids will remember how much you love them, which shines through every post you make. I wish you love, strength and positivity for Christmas and the New Year.

Thank you so much for your advice and tips. I will definitely download that app.

I just want to say thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts, kind words and experiences. I definitely do and understand the spirit of christmas. This is not a thread about not being able to give my children ipads etc. Absolutely not.

This thread is exactly about the spirit of Christmas, that sometimes, when life has been hard for a long time you can find it so so hard, impossible even, to find the spirit. When you have suffered extreme financial hardship, job loss, family bereavements, family terminal health diagnosis, marriage break down, mental health challenges etc etc and the exhaustion and fatigue is all consuming then the spirit is very hard to find. When hope feels so so so far away and you have been fighting with everything you have for a pro longed time, then it is so hard.

That was the essence of this post, not to complain about lack of material things but the lack of hope, the feeling of despair, shame and isolation which being in such a vulnerable place leaves you.

I hope that makes sense. The kind words, empathy and advice of strangers has moved me to tears more than once over the last couple of days. To feel that compassion, that kindness has really lifted me at a time that is incredibly isolating and hard emotionally. For that, I am so incredibly humbled and touched.❤

There really is help out there @HopeMumsnet. I know it’s so hard and unfair that you are in this position, but please do get yourself a referral to a food bank, see about clothing banks and any other charity schemes. We always give some bits to local schemes for Christmas and there are thousands of families like yours who just need a bit of extra help right now. It’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of, and I agree with other posters who have said that you sound to be an incredible mum and by having you they have won the lottery in terms of love and care.

I cross-posted with this. I can totally understand what you mean about the spirit of Christmas. I am lucky that I haven’t had your level of financial worries but through illness, caring responsibilities, endless crises and bereavement, I absolutely understand that feeling of having had your spirit broken. Please be kind to yourself and remember that you deserve to be loved and to experience joy too.

Get onto Freecycle and similar and ask for some of the things you need - a coat for him but also some new or mint condition toys, art supplies, sports equipment or musical instruments. People understand. I have given and received brilliant things from Freecycle - from electric pianos to brand new skateboards, dressing up clothes to bicycles and scooters. You won't get everything but you can ask, and you can scan the Offers to pick up anything that you think might be a good present.

Also contact your local church, GP, Citizens Advice or GOV.UK for a referral to Trussell or a similar food bank in your area and to one of the local toy charities. That is exactly what they are there for.

This is tough for you, but you are not alone. That is why toy charities and food banks exist. More and more of them are being used by employed and professional people. There was a news story recently about Oxford tutors using them a lot as the university pays their teaching staff so badly. This is no reflection on you. Please don't add to the tough situation by feeling bad about yourself.

Make a list of lovely festive things you can do that cost little or nothing: go to a carol service together, take a walk to look at the lights, gather some greenery and decorate your house with holly and ivy. Watch a Christmassy film or two with a bowl of home made popcorn. Plan to do these and any other cheap or free but festive ideas you can think of, once DC have broken up from school. There may be some Warm Hubs opening up locally too. Look out for those. And don't feel guilty needing things for free. Be glad there is some generosity left in the world.

Your children don’t needs piles of stuff. They just need love and you. You can do Christmas cheaply enough. Look in charity shops and food banks. If you have a freezer buy reduced food items. Can you sew or knit? Make gifts for the children. Buy wool from charity shops. Explain to the children times are hard at the moment but it won’t always be like this. They will understand. You sound an amazing mum, and that’s worth so much more than plies of stuff.

Thank you for kind words. I agree. This thread is not at all about 'piles of stuff'. They do understand, they are very humble and grounded kids. It is more a thread about feeling despair, hardship and isolation during a very hard time. It's not about piles of stuff, its about a winter coat, some chocolate coins for their stockings, wanting to give them peace, joy, comfort and belonging after what has been a horrific time.

I really hope you have a better Christmas than you had thought and that the different charities etc will be helpful.

I think a lot of people, myself included, donate to these charities because they are well aware that they themselves may need them some day or that their families have been in circumstances that they could have done with them.

When you are in a better position, you'll be paying it forward:)

My youngest and I are making an advent calendar this evening. My aunt who passed away a couple of weeks ago made it when my eldest was little. The children's dad were given a box of chocolates for helping out at a sports thing so we used them. Its a work in progress, but my little one is having a lovely time making it.