Christmas despair - my children deserve more

[Exhaustedbones]

Not quite sure why I am posting. I have name changed for obvious reasons. I am on my knees. I lost my job last year and due to the job market have struggled to get a new one. I am a newly single parent, 2 dc One teen and one primary age. I have fought so so hard to get back on my feet. I have done consultancy work here and there, whatever temp jobs I can get. I have sold everything I can sell on vinted/ebay. I do surveys, I do focus groups etc. Anything and everything I can think of to get us through. My mental and physical health have taken an enormous battering. It is isolating and humiliating beyond belief. My oldest doesn't have a winter coat.

For some reason, the thought of Christmas makes me feel sick to my core. My poor kids. My poor poor kids. They are good as gold. They understand. But after the two years of family breakdown, bereavements, uncertainty and extreme financial pressure they deserve to feel the joy and spirit of Christmas. I feel that I am failing them so miserably and the thought is to heavy to carry at times.

I don't know why I am posting really. I am so sorry. I just wanted to share it somewhere as I have no one to talk to about this in real life.

Sorry I should have added they are boys, both plain black.

As a long time poster @Exhaustedbones you have probably seen similar threads to yours. MN always post a warning reply advising people to be careful. It's nothing personal to you at all.

@Exhaustedbones I have got 3 tickets to the backyard cinema in London to see A Nightmare before Christmas that we can no longer make it to on Sunday 14th Dec. I would be very happy for you to make use of these tickets if you want them?

Absolutely. You are so right. Of course. I just wanted to make my intentions clear. ❤️

To mumsnet, having read your message again I wanted to say thank you for your kindness and tact. ❤️

I am going to have a look at local facebook groups. I did find a youtube channel with lots of ideas for xmas crafts to make at home which my youngest will really enjoy. I got a well meaning whatspp message on our school group chat about the teacher collection, christmas fair etc and my heart just sinks.

I KNOW I am being irrational. I KNOW the teachers would understand. It just all feels so damn heavy at times. I KNOW that Christmas is a red herring. That my problems are far far greater than Christmas. No shit. I know this. My brain knows this. It just all feels amplified this time of year.

Ah OP, I've also been really down on my luck (and am heading that way again) and really sympathise. It's horrible when you can't give your children the things and experiences their friends are getting. Also, I see we're both in London and while we're lucky to have so much going on, it still costs money for a day out to even the free attractions. We used to go to the Kew lights as a Christmas treat but can't do it now.

What I will say, though, is that my mum was also a single parent who got no child support and raised us in an emergency accommodation council flat. There was never any money but I ADORED Christmas. I'm trying to think how my mum pulled it off and the most obvious thing was that our Christmases were rather quiet compared to most. A stocking full of silly little things, grilled grapefruit for breakfast (yes it was the 70s) progressing to bagels and lox when we got a bit of money, a walk, a fairly simple lunch, then presents from the tree. Then movies and games and snacks into the evening. Most of the day the TV wasn't on, and we didn't have many visitors.

I think the simplicity and quietness were key. It meant we didn't get overwhelmed and overloaded, and could really appreciate every nice thing the day offered. I still love Christmas, but really resist the overload: of prep work, themed activities, presents, people, food. Overload numbs us and leaves us jaded, needing ever-bigger dopamine jolts.

When mine were smaller, I used to build in a few little rituals that we would do together: a Christmas fair, Christingle at the local church, a visit to see Santa at the local garden centre where they also provided free seasonal craft activities. When we were at the fair I resisted pressure to buy tat by issuing a challenge: your mission is to find one thing, maximum cost £5 (or whatever), that I have to agree is good value. When we get home you have to wrap it and put it under the tree for yourself (or a family member). We also did lots of crafts (making Christmas cards, decorations, badly knitted scarves and peppermint creams).

So much of the Christmas magic is provided by fairy lights, hot chocolate, carols/Mariah Carey, and watching movies together. Do those things!

Are you on LinkedIn? If not, get on there.

Go and check with local temping agencies: say you are available immediately and will do anything.

Where is Dad in all this?

Your kids will be ok OP. They’ve got you xx

Thank you. I absolutely will. And am.

Yes on Linkedin. Registered everywhere. I have been doing each and any temp roles that have come up.

Answered previously. ❤️

Any idea what sort of coat he’s after?! I’m have many spares!! Haven’t got round to posting them on Vinted and I’m more than happy to send one to you next day delivery.

Sorry if someone already said this but our town has two buy nothing groups on Facebook. People are so generous putting stuff on there, toys, clothes, loads of Xmas stuff. I’ve given away a lot on it too. You might be able to pick up some nice stuff for your younger one and perhaps your teen too. Is it also worth checking if the high school has a uniform bank? Ours does and all uniform etc is free and it has coats in too.

Are there any local shops taking on seasonal workers? Can you try and get a few weeks work in before Christmas?

Pretty sure OP will be getting these as I doubt very much she has cash stashed so can’t get benefits, but can’t get her daughter a coat -

I would second locating your nearest Buy Nothing group.

Aside from all the fantastic suggestions and advice, the only thing I could say to you is that you are the best thing your children have. This is a tough period for you but it won't last forever. Stay positive and upbeat for your children, even if you are feeling low, or you know you should be being Christmassy but just aren't feeling it. Fake it if you have to! Your children will remember that Christmas was still a fun time and that you all made the best of the situation you found yourselves in. You have each other, and that's main thing. You're all propping each other up. Your children are precious and so are you to them.

Onwards and upwards OP, you'll get through this. It's tough, but so are you xx

Lol, I love the "dad's sock!" I might wrap one of my socks up and other random bits, I'm sure they'll find it hilarious 😂

You sound like you have lovely children op - you're really lucky in that respect. You sound like a great mum to them. Kudos for reaching out.

Are you in the UK? a lot of places now do winter coat appeals where they have coats available for free at various places such as doctors surgeries, libraries and community centres. It might be worth looking into this. there are also clothing banks that you can contact yourself, no one will judge you for needing some extra support.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

Most areas now have clothing banks so you could try there for your DS. I believe a lot of areas have toy banks too for Christmas gifts. It is hard but may be worth managing their expectations and explaining you can’t afford to get them much this year. I’m sure you’ll get back on your feet next year.

Just a thought about your local free Facebook group sometimes the moderators will post requests for you and let items donated be dropped off at their home so it’s more anonymous. My local one put on a request for gift items for a teenage girl last year so I looked out my unused make-up and toiletries (I’ve had to start to be more cautious about allergies lately) and had some extra bits I’d bought then didn’t need for my nieces such as festival gem face stickers.
I was happy to find a better home for items I didn’t need but having been poor growing up I couldn’t throw away.

Do your childrens school do a winter-wear swap and thrift type drive?

I know a lot of schools do them, and it's a good way of making sure coats that are in good quality can be used and passed on, and it's usually free too.

A lot of churches do them too.

If you have any poster paints/chalk paints from any previous crafts, let the kids paint the windows christmas themed, get some old wrapping paper cut it into strips and make paper chains and stars, make salt dough hand print reindeers, maybe instead of lots of gifts, get them to fill a jar with ideas for experience days they'd like to do and when funds are a little bit less tight, work towards going on an experience day.

Check your local library as many do free visit santas with gifts.

See if there are any gift giving initiatives you can sign up for.

One year, my mum couldn't afford many gifts for us at all, I think we got a new toothbrush, a blanket, and some slippers, but we painted a christmas tree on the wall (that did end up staying there for 2 years, it was turned into the easter tree, the halloween tree etc. multiple times), and we spent all day watching christmas movies, sharing a box of chocolates, having hot chocolates to drink, singing christmas music, playing a game we got from the charity shop, and it was one of the most memorable and fun christmases I've ever had. I can't remember many gifts I've had over christmases, but I can remember having lots of fun that christmas despite not having much.

Also one of my favourite things to do on Christmas is walk round the estate and look at peoples christmas lights. It's entirely free to do, and the kids have so much fun doing it. It's become a bit of a running joke over the years, as we say "oh number 51 hasn't made much effort this year, humbug!" "look at number 29, aren't those lights gorgeous!" and we get to compare year after year, and then come home and have a nice hot chocolate.