Christmas despair - my children deserve more

[Exhaustedbones]

Not quite sure why I am posting. I have name changed for obvious reasons. I am on my knees. I lost my job last year and due to the job market have struggled to get a new one. I am a newly single parent, 2 dc One teen and one primary age. I have fought so so hard to get back on my feet. I have done consultancy work here and there, whatever temp jobs I can get. I have sold everything I can sell on vinted/ebay. I do surveys, I do focus groups etc. Anything and everything I can think of to get us through. My mental and physical health have taken an enormous battering. It is isolating and humiliating beyond belief. My oldest doesn't have a winter coat.

For some reason, the thought of Christmas makes me feel sick to my core. My poor kids. My poor poor kids. They are good as gold. They understand. But after the two years of family breakdown, bereavements, uncertainty and extreme financial pressure they deserve to feel the joy and spirit of Christmas. I feel that I am failing them so miserably and the thought is to heavy to carry at times.

I don't know why I am posting really. I am so sorry. I just wanted to share it somewhere as I have no one to talk to about this in real life.

You are doing your best. It's clear that your children have a great Mum.
For low cost Christmas ideas please include being involved in your local church, if you have one with young people.

My kids found Christmas to be a wonderfully bright and inspiring time to be helping out with activities, plays, bands and decorations.
As a family you might also enjoy volunteering for a few hours near Christmas for a charity. Time is a great gift to give.

Providing your kids with just one or two gifts that they want and filling the house with music and colour will go a long way to having a perfect Christmas. Ask each child to make their favourite food.

Participate in free Christmas concerts and community events and go 'window shopping' to see festive decorations on shops and houses.

Being a connected and active Mum rather than a consumer is more affordable.

I have a small men’s winter coat from Debenhams (when it was an actual shop) you would be more than welcome to
it if you want to dm me

Bless you @Exhaustedbones, you sound like a lovely mum! You and your kids have each other - that's the most important thing. You can create happy memories without expensive gifts - just taking the time to play games, go for a walk, make some mince pies together, make paper chains, read A Christmas Carol... And you have nothing at all to be ashamed about - most of us have had hard times some time or other, and if we haven't that's only down to good luck. Remember than modelling resilience and positivity to your kids when the going gets tough is one of the best presents you could ever give them, so shower them - and yourself! - with love. I hope things get easier for you soon. xx

OP Please do contact them. The same help is available where I live. Do you feel able to say roughly what area you live in so we can offer more focused advice.

I know it’s hard and it must be awful seeing how much some people have but you may find your children remember this Christmas with more fondness than you expect. The presents I remember are some my father made because they didn’t have enough money to buy toys. A doll I remember with fondness I only just discovered was bought by an aunt because my parents had no money that year either (we rarely had money growing up, I feel sad for my parents especially my father as he worked so hard). My first Christmas as an adult I tied ribbon to the branches and made decorations out of card and wrapping paper. I’ve kept some of those.

Don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help, anyone who would think less of you isn’t worth worrying about.

Try the Facebook group The Golden Hearted for the area you live in. People offer/request things for free on there. If your children are pupil premium/free school meals then the school may be able to support with school coat/uniform. I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment. You all deserve better. I hope things improve for you soon.

Hi @Exhaustedbonesive just private messaged you x

The kind words, tips and empathy shown has made me feel alot less alone, so thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am definitely modelling resilience and positivity when my children are around, I only cry in the shower or when they are at school. I know I have not answered any questions about gender of children, ages and sizes and location of where we live and it is because of privacy reasons.

I am a feet on the ground, know what matters, type of person. I grew up with a terminally ill father (who is still with us 🙏) and whose ill health contributed to a bankruptcy. So I am no stranger to hardship in that sense, nor am grief stricken at not living in a 5 bedroom house etc. I am not materialistic. I don't give a damn abut alot of things. But I have two beautiful children who have been to hell and back over the last two years. They are the most pure and innocent little souls. My biggest driver and motivator in life was stability. As I had very little of that growing up. A volatile Mother, a father I was terrified of losing. I spent my entire childhood trying to figure out how to create stability. Achieve, perform, work hard, do more, do better. All because I wanted stability. Not 'stuff', not diamonds, not holidays, not excess. Just peace of mind, just enough. Just to sleep easy. For my children to not feel the heavy burden of 'grown up' stuff. Not having to worry about money, not going without, not worrying about the health of their parens. I know, first hand, how terrifying that is for a child.

Yet here I am. Pushing 50 (not yet, but nearly), and I have failed. I have not provided that sanctuary for my kids.

Our local food bank is arranging gifts and has coats, gloves etc

I know it's a platitude but the kids will remember fun moments more than material goods.

Flour/salt dough for making baubles, pencil holders, etc. with Christmas carols playing on your phone, popcorn and a movie, walking around looking at lights, you reading "A Christmas Carol" or the Grinch to them, etc.

We had a modest but OK childhood and most of what I remember is not the gifts (other than some paints and paper my uncle's girlfriend gave us, that was magical and likely very inexpensive) but the Christmas season moments that are different from ordinary life.

You have not failed. Don't think that. And do avail yourself of the suggestions here for Buy Nothing and other resources. I just took a large grocery shop to a Buy Nothing member who is in difficulties; we have never met but it was my pleasure to help her over a hard place; I just left the stuff at her door. People are happy to be given the opportunity to assist.

This. My sister and I run Christmas meals from our local church. For those that want it, it’s not need or religion based at all. My DH and I also do mother and father class so this year we are having a sit down meal at the church on Xmas day and we are dressing up to serve the meals from 12-2pm. My DH will be playing guitar all and doing Christmas carols. It’s not just older people, it’s for everybody. We also run a gift tree for requests and do a free Santas grotto twice in the run up to the big day.

defo worth you trying local churches and hubs.

Just want to offer a kind word op. Your kids will remember how hard you have worked for them and they will not hold one christmas against you. Tbh I am sure they will love you more for how much you care about them

Just one day at a time. Food, cosy vibes at home, a free christmas tree on Olio if you find one

You are doing so well.

Is their dad able to help at all?

All the best girl xx

Thank you for your kind words. Its more a case of me doing what I can to help dad if that makes sense.

On a practical note for your dc who doesn’t have a coat there is a charity called Wrap up London that distributes coats to charities like the Salvation Army and Children’s Centres. The Rotary Club are also a good call. If your school has a PTA then it will certainly have a second hand uniform cupboard. We often get the unclaimed coats from lost property and have sorted out coats for kids that need them for a small donation if they can afford it but no judgement if they can’t.

It was really brave of you to write this post and I wish you all the best. You are an amazing mum 💐

I have sent you a private message if it’s appropriate or not I don’t know but check it anyway x

I really hope you haven’t just offered up your cash.

There’s been loads of great practical suggestions here, but no one should be giving money directly.

No no I haven’t

Again - No one has offered money nor have I ever asked for money.
Please please please respect my integrity and dignity. I am beyond grateful for the kind words, safe space and suggestions that have so kindly been shared.
I have never asked for any handouts from anyone, here or elsewhere.

What’s your income and outgoings OP? Maybe we can make suggestions!

@FanofLeavesIn the most kindest way I say this but it has nothing to do with you what someone does or doesn’t do. If someone decides to gift something, that’s on them. They will be doing knowing they are comfortable to do. Worry about yourself.

Hi op, I’m London based and have boys a similar age. I have several coats that I was going to take the charity shop and football boots, and other things like books, Lego, led signs etc if you’d like me to pass them on please message me and we can work something out, Ive been where you are and still struggle at times but kids grow and I have things to pass on now, keep going, you’ve got this!

@Exhaustedbones You’ll be doing everything you can for those children and they will grow up knowing that and feeling loved. Loads of great advice on here, check out smart works charity for support for you.

If people offer cash (and sadly there’s always fools who do) this site gets inundated with begging posts which put people off offering genuine help that will be useful like food bank advice. No one should offer a random on here money for very obvious reasons. Christmas is the worst on here for it.

I hope you can get help from school OP. We used to always help if we knew it was needed x

Sending you every best wish & strength. It will get better but in the meantime try to see any silver linings

Parental guilt can tear us apart. I want to say well done for being the lovely brave mum that you obviously are, as it sounds incredibly tough for you atm and yet I can tell your children are loved and that is priceless. I help in a food bank and sadly we have so many coming in the same situation as you- I would also recommend trying them for extra help and if you have a Salvation Army place in your area try them too as they provide gifts for Christmas and often clothing items and meals too.