Alas, the Turkey!

[Oneearringlost]

An anguished plea..

Over the last 25 years, I have bought:

1. Kelly Bronze, delivered from Norfolk
2. Local Butcher's turkey
3. M&S turkey
4. Tesco supermarket fresh
5. Tesco supermarket frozen
6. Local Farmers' market turkey

I have:

1. Dry-brined it
2. Wet-brined it
3. Brined it for 48 hours
4. Cooked it with butter under the skin
5. Cooked it covered in buttered muslin
6. Cooked it covered in bacon
7. Cooked it upside down
8. Cooked it slowly, overnight
9. Always rest it

Family insist on the whole bird, not a crown, nor a lovely chicken, cut of beef etc..
Tried goose last year, expensive disaster, so back to turkey.

I find it tough, tasteless, boring.
So, my anguished plea to all who cook turkey sucessfully, what else can I do to create a tender, toothsome bird, or do I just accept that I don't like turkey much, and get on with it, after all, its not really all about me?

I love my annual turkey, I no longer buy an expensive one though, I cant taste the difference between a fancy butchers one and one from the supermarket.
Do the family love the leg meat? If not just do a crown, its no different. Just cook and serve, unless others are willing to take over cooking it.

I am in Dorset too, although not too deep and in range of an M&S!! However, we do have a number of farm shops around us - I've bought a turkey from 2 or 3 of them before and they have been delicious. Is that something that might be convenient for you?

https://www.herbfedpoultry.co.uk/christmas-rooster/
Delicious, and they deliver, and a rooster can be as big as a turkey so you don't have to worry it won't feed everyone. The leftovers are wonderful too.

Buy a meat thermometer eg Thermopen. Take note of the fact that the internal temperature will keep rising during the standing time, this is a bit of an act of faith to take it out of the oven before it is “done”, worth a practice run beforehand to test how many degrees it rises over what period of standing.

Allow plenty of resting time, well covered.

I’ve also successfully used one of the M&S slow cooked turkeys (can’t remember whether they do a whole turkey version, definitely do crowns), it seems to cook in a very surprisingly short time as already slow cooked but very tender and tasty https://christmasfood.marksandspencer.com/collection-oakham-slow-cooked-turkey-crown-with-pork-and-italian-chestnut-stuffing-serves-6-11-/p/pb44713183

We pre-order and collect in my local store which is not far from me to be fair. First couple of years got a full turkey but last few years its been a crown.

Yep I second this! Cooks beautifully and also much more quickly

That being said, we've also done the Good Food christmas dinner wellington which was great - I'm not a fan of roast dinners, but adding pastry was a winner

If it was my choice, we'd have a north african/persian type vibe with a rich spiced tagine and pomegranate and such...but can't get the others on board unfortunately

If your family want turkey so much let them do it. Get a nice cut of the meat that you like. It's been a quarter of a century. You've given it a chance.

Do you have a kettle-style barbecue? Weber / green egg / similar. We have barbecued our turkey since I was a child and it's incredible (skeptical turkey hating DH is a convert!). Cooks faster, in a sealed environment so always lovely and moist, and has that BBQ smokey taste. Plus it frees up oven space for everything else...

We gave up on turkey when we found a butcher with venison that was affordable.
We also have a pheasant or a guinea fowl.

Waitrose free range bronze.
Cover in streaky bacon, baste with butter.
Wrap in tin foil
Bung in oven, turn by 180 degrees in oven half way through.
Open tin foil 40mins before end
Leave to rest for an hour whilst cooking roast potatoes.
Works consistently for me.

@Oneearringlost and other folks, have you actually tried seasoning the turkey with real herbs and spices, not just butter or bacon? I make a compound butter of scores of sage, garlic, thyme, rosemary, flake salt, loads of freshly ground black pepper, EVOO, and sometimes paprika. Slather it all over and inside the bird and under the breast skin. Let it sit for at least an hour before roasting. I always have sincere compliments on the roasted turkeys I cook while people are stuffing their faces. I was raised to season my food though.

Cook whatever meat you like. Tell DH if he wants turkey he can cook it and stress about it being done nicely.

Honestly I despair of people who tie themselves in knots trying to please other people, while neglecting their own preferences, and the other people just sit there contributing nothing and making demands.

If you're cooking the family don't get ton insist on anything, especially not something you don't enjoy.

I buy a stuffed and dressed breast fron the local butcher.

What are your cooking times?

And mainly, do you have enough gravy?
I much prefer the brown meat of turkey and rarely find that to be dry. Breast meat is usually less tender than chicken but I have lots of gravy and cranberry sauce, and I like the flavour :-)

I'm probably going to be told off for taking a 'light-hearted' thread too seriously but this is ridiculous, OP. It's the 14 October and you're fretting about something that you have spent a quarter of a century trying to get right. I'm giving you permission to sack off the turkey this year. Don't 'seduce' DH into anything. He can make his own fucking turkey or he can whistle.

Get yourself a Meater thermometer - has completely changed the way I cook meat 👌

We’ve been doing a charcoal Weber turkey dinner the eighties. Honestly, it’s divine. I only ever not do it when the fire danger is so high we would be entertaining three fire trucks of crew as soon as I strike the match.

But I have done it in England, too, and it was still divine.

on one of my fire ban christmases, I did cook the turkey slowly overnight in the oven but wasn’t impressed. For the other one I did beef in the oven but still wasn’t impressed. I’m hoping for better weather this year,

I do a crown in one of those giant oven bags you seal shut, its OK, can't say I'm ever fussed enough to cook it any other time

@TheSnorax Ha ha, you're absolutely right, of course but I'm really not "fretting"...just interested to see if I'm missing anything. It was not my intention to have come across as absurd, that I'm thinking of it in Oct, but, i agree, it could have done!

If you WANT to do turkey, I spatchcock mine. It means the darker meat is more exposed to heat so you don’t overcook the breast in the processes. It’s also much quicker. Last year I had a 3.5kg turkey (before removing giblets), did 20 mins at 230 degrees and then 25-30 mins at 200 and it was done. I pull my turkey when the thickest part of the breast hits around 66’Cish and let it rest for 45 mins to an hour. People often say you need it to be hitting 73’C, but that is the temp in which the bacteria is instantly killed. If the turkey hits 66’ and stays there for 5 minutes, the bacteria will also be killed. If you tent the bird in foil the temp will continue to rise anyway, so if you take it out at 73 it will then overcook while resting.
I also dry brine mine for 24 hours on a rack in the fridge, then take out in the morning, pat dry and apply a compound butter. Lots of fresh herbs, salt, citrus zest, even some of the chicken seasoning from Just Spices!

@turkeyboots yes, brown meat is a must, sadly.

@PistachioTiramisu yep, done farm shop ones, but thank you.

@ArtichokeAardvark no BBQ like that, unfortunately, just the old-fashioned charcoal variety.

I think it was the opening line 'an anguished plea' which gave that impression...

I can highly recommend ordering a capon / cockerel.

Agree with OP @Oneearringlost Turkey is so boring and only reason people used to like it was because it was cheap and could feed loads. As a PP advised, I used to lovingly shove tons of butter under the skin and any herbs to hand. Told my ex MIL about this 'hack' and proceeded to vomit in nearest receptacle as she scooped out butter directly out of it's dish with her hand and applied to Turkey - at least twice - before I could stop her. I liked Duckling or Goose and I would save the fat for yummy Roast vegetables. Amazing amount would be rendered and could keep for ages in the fridge. Now, we just have whatever we fancy - no drama but may splash out on Lobster, other shellfish and make Mayonnaise / Rouille / Aioli - depending on mood.