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Original poster

Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

236 replies

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

OP posts:
RandomWordsThrownTogether · 07/12/2024 23:52

In my experience the ones who complain about being asked to contribute are usually the ones who have been turning up empty handed or with a bottle of some dodgy looking red wine that is only fit for cooking and then proceeds to open the nice stuff brought by other people instead. Honestly the meanness of some people always astounds me - there are some people who relish getting a free meal even if it's at the expense of ever being invited back. I guarantee you if everyone was bringing as much wine as they drank it is unlikely she would be asking. You have been bringing a few bottles but there will be the couples who turn up with nothing or one bottle between two of them and proceed to knock the drinks back. I once even had a guy come to a pot luck barbecue with just a bottle of wine and when he went to leave a few hours later he went and reclaimed wine and brought them home with him thinking knowing would see him (it was announced with glee by some people who found his meanness quite amusing).

Also whoever pointed out that £40 was too much to send for a couple - pubs charging very little for a roast are not including wine, starters, deserts etc... they have also bought everything in wholesale and are cooking in bulk with less good quality ingredients than you would use at home. I think £20 a head is fair. Personally I would also drop a line to ask if there is anything in particular she would like people to bring (starter/dessert/salad/wine) or if she wants a hand with the cooking.

NobleWashedLinen · 08/12/2024 00:03

I think the people objecting, including @BettyBardMacDonald and others, simply don't have the same understanding of a friendship group as those of us who can see its fine.

I certainly know people whose idea of friendships is "people I show off to" and who take delight in inviting people to their home to wine and dine them but are somehow too busy to visit in the opposite direction. That kind of relationship certainly would never work with charging people for being hosted.

When a large group of friends all love each other and want to spend time together and are all equally willing to host the group but at a practical level there's only one house among them that can comfortably fit them all, then having get-togethers at that house is a group decision rather than being instigated and invited by a host. The person providing the house isn't in control, it's not their event. Obviously if everyone in the group had equal capacity to host then everyone would take turns to sometimes be the guest and sometimes the host but if that can't happen then it's totally obvious and a normal part of this kind of friendship that everyone would want to chip in with the costs of hosting.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 08/12/2024 00:17

I think it's fine. It's customary for guests to bring a bottle of wine, nice flowers/ chocolates etc - better instead perhaps for surplus guest gifts to be substituted with £10/£20 quid. Net effect to friends, easier for host

HiEarthlings · 08/12/2024 00:17

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

Suggest to the one that thinks it's "outrageous" to ask such a thing, that THEY host the event this year, and that they continue to host it for the next 5, 8, 10 years. Basically for however long your friend has hosted thus far. I'm sure the "outraged" friend would soon start to feel several other emotions.....

PorridgeEater · 08/12/2024 00:25

The "friend" who thinks it's outrageous to ask is really rude - not someone I'd want to have a meal with.
I enjoy meals where everyone brings a contribution of food - all are generous and we have loads to eat!

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 08/12/2024 00:25

The better way to have handled it would have been for those of you who don’t host to have offered a fair contribution several years ago, before the poor hosts felt they finally had no choice but to ask.

If everyone wants to be together, why should one could bear the whole cost just because it’s their house you all get together in?

Have a firm word with the selfish guests who are complaining.

renoleno · 08/12/2024 00:37

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 07/12/2024 23:52

In my experience the ones who complain about being asked to contribute are usually the ones who have been turning up empty handed or with a bottle of some dodgy looking red wine that is only fit for cooking and then proceeds to open the nice stuff brought by other people instead. Honestly the meanness of some people always astounds me - there are some people who relish getting a free meal even if it's at the expense of ever being invited back. I guarantee you if everyone was bringing as much wine as they drank it is unlikely she would be asking. You have been bringing a few bottles but there will be the couples who turn up with nothing or one bottle between two of them and proceed to knock the drinks back. I once even had a guy come to a pot luck barbecue with just a bottle of wine and when he went to leave a few hours later he went and reclaimed wine and brought them home with him thinking knowing would see him (it was announced with glee by some people who found his meanness quite amusing).

Also whoever pointed out that £40 was too much to send for a couple - pubs charging very little for a roast are not including wine, starters, deserts etc... they have also bought everything in wholesale and are cooking in bulk with less good quality ingredients than you would use at home. I think £20 a head is fair. Personally I would also drop a line to ask if there is anything in particular she would like people to bring (starter/dessert/salad/wine) or if she wants a hand with the cooking.

I pointed out that £40 + wine per person is too much for effectively a homecooked Christmas lunch which will be cooked in bulk for 16 people. OP hasn't specified she's attending as part of a couple and previous posts show her partner passed away. But she also says in a previous post she can't afford heating or hot water, lives off pot noodles and bread as no funds and her bank balance is 78p.... so based on that I'd say £40 for a home cooked meal at friends is definitely too much for her......

MissSookieStackhouse · 08/12/2024 00:37

You and your friends have got away with not paying anything for your Christmas meal for years while some poor sod has had to host and foot the bill for you all? You sound like a right bunch of cheeky fuckers to be honest if no one has offered before! Good that you’ve agreed to shell out this year and shame on the friend who says it’s outrageous. They ought to have a turn hosting and paying for it and see how they like it.

Christwosheds · 08/12/2024 00:50

They weren’t charging guests, it was arranged from the start on the basis that one man would happily cook and host the venue, but that actual food and drink cost would be split. None of us had much money then, and it worked really well. There was no obligation to go, it was just a nice thing to do, to cook everything for about a dozen people, make drinks etc. I think we all got together to do the clearing and washing up.
I’ve been to a lot of parties where everyone brings a dish to share, which also works well.
it isn’t the same as say inviting people to a meal and then asking them after they’ve accepted to pay towards it, that would obviously be wrong.

LBFseBrom · 08/12/2024 02:28

MissSookieStackhouse · 08/12/2024 00:37

You and your friends have got away with not paying anything for your Christmas meal for years while some poor sod has had to host and foot the bill for you all? You sound like a right bunch of cheeky fuckers to be honest if no one has offered before! Good that you’ve agreed to shell out this year and shame on the friend who says it’s outrageous. They ought to have a turn hosting and paying for it and see how they like it.

I got the impression that the host wanted to do this in previous years. Circumstances have obviously changed this year so the guests have been asked to chip in which is fair enough but I don't think they actually 'got away' or took advantage before, it was freely offered.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 08/12/2024 06:03

Like @CyanSnake i have a friend who does the same for 15-20 of us every year (since 2001). It was last night and delicious!

As a group we offered to bring food, buy food etc and it’s always met with a very polite but firm refusal. To counteract this we take her and her DH out for brunch between Christmas and new year as well as bringing a few bottles of decent wine and a hosting gift with us last night (White company candle). As a wider group we all host various other events throughout the year too.

BookyGilly · 08/12/2024 06:26

I think it all depends on your group/family etc. Me and my siblings (our parents have died) have two homes that can comfortably entertain the usual 12 or 14 of us each year. We all contribute to the cost of the meal instead of saying we will provide the starters/puddings/wine etc. It means the hosts can go ahead and buy everything without worrying if anyone will not turn up with it. We as guests can enjoy the lovely feast. We always have special extras, like Christmas wine glasses with our names on. We just transfer money into our siblings bank account and know we are guaranteed a fantastic day. But the members of our family who are struggling are not expected to contribute. It's always about enjoying Christmas as a family and you give according to your ability and receive according to your need. The most important thing for us is to be together at Christmas.

Trimbleton · 08/12/2024 06:39

I agree, we have a friend who hosts every year. I would never dream of offering a contribution but, equally, I wouldn’t be at all upset if they requested a contribution

weatherisjustmist · 08/12/2024 08:15

Of course it's not outrageous to ask, since nobody else seems to take a turn. I think it's outrageous that the others haven't thought of the cost before.

Linux20 · 08/12/2024 08:27

If she’s the only one that ever hosts, totallly reasonable to ask. If you take it in turns and visit different houses at different times it’s a bit cheeky.
Why should one friend bear the cost of the entire group? We always do a restaurant or a takeaway for just this reason when it’s a large group. When someone has hosted, we always take a dish of food.

ZenNudist · 08/12/2024 08:29

Absolutely fine to ask. Can't believe you've let them host every year. Do you all repay in kind usually?

AquaShark · 08/12/2024 09:42

Last night was my annual mums group Xmas gathering at a friend's. We all contributed £10 towards food and all took a bottle. That seemed really reasonable and I'd never be offended if asked for a contribution of cash or food.

I think your outraged friend is incredibly rude.

coupebaby · 08/12/2024 10:43

AluckyEllie · 06/12/2024 08:24

Good on the friend for asking, she’s probably been fuming for years! I wonder if there’s a related mumsnet threat ….😅

I’d reply back ‘will it be you hosting it next year then Steve or shall we go to a restaurant instead to give Sarah a break after so many years of doing all the work.’ Entitled shit. They could have just not donated, they didn’t need to publicly try and make her feel bad.

Exactly!!! I actually can’t believe everyone else was so selfish all these years to not automatically contribute. They should have all asked her to do up her list split the cost between them and not have the host pay at all seeing as she was using her home and electric to do it all 😂

coupebaby · 08/12/2024 10:49

Trimbleton · 08/12/2024 06:39

I agree, we have a friend who hosts every year. I would never dream of offering a contribution but, equally, I wouldn’t be at all upset if they requested a contribution

You all let one friend host a gathering for all of you every year and none of you ever offer to solo the cost between the rest of you? It’s not the hosts birthday or personal occasion, they’re hosting it in their home for you all, would you do it and be out all that cost yourself aswell as the hassle of it all and the cleaning and everything else that needs to be done? I genuinely can’t believe people are happy to let one person take the brunt of it all every year and sit back and do nothing when you’re all equally benefiting from it. That’s like going to a restaurant as a group and the same person is out of pocket every year paying for everyone, except that way they wouldn’t have to prepare beforehand or clean up after you all afterwards 🤣

arethereanyleftatall · 08/12/2024 12:04

I bet the outraged friend has never hosted 16 people for dinner.

No one who has who begrudge this.

My dd just had a big 16th. We did go all out, but 40 people, cost was near on £500, took 3 of us all day to get ready and an entire day to clean up the aftermath.

Either take it in turns or pay up.

Lurkingonmn · 08/12/2024 13:24

Perfectly reasonable to ask, or suggest alternating hosting, or that people bring a contribution. I think the person who says it's outrageous is out of line and should be told so- suggest they host/foot the whole bill this year then.

Minihero · 08/12/2024 13:25

We're 8 friends and 8 DC and do similar - the location does vary but we always split the cost.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 08/12/2024 14:10

Totally fair I think, and £40 is a fair donation (you wouldn't need to then take a bottle etc). Perhaps just say to the other person it's not unreasonably at all, and that they don't have to go.

I think it's good they've asked. Too many people get into debt this time of year trying to pull things off.

Hollyhollyberry · 08/12/2024 15:29

DowntonFlabbie · 07/12/2024 19:26

For years they've spent their cash to feed you, but when they've finally asked you to contribute, it "feels off" for you to give them a bit of the cash back they've spent?

Can you explain, because I don't get it.

Show quote history

@DowntonFlabbie Granted I wouldn’t have let it go on for years, we would rotate round with friends. So I guess I’m just thinking of my friendship group. We rotate, and bring food and drinks. Asking for cash in our group would feel off which isn’t the same situation reading back the OP. We wouldn’t have let it go on for so many years with just one host

lto2019 · 08/12/2024 15:32

The person who thinks it is outrageous to ask is a cheeky twat. Buying for prepping and feeding and clearing up after 16 adults is expensive and hard work and they have done it year after year with no asking for a contribution - the one time they do and an entitled twat spits the dummy.

I would reply to them and say actually it is outrageous none of us have offered to share the financial burden before. Even if you all take it in turn hosting on different occasions - which it doesn't sound like you do - they are explaining this year it is a pinch.

They could have just cancelled and said we can't afford to host this year and then the outraged one would be forced to pay if they wanted to meet up.
It's not like they have asked for everyone to split the cost - just a contribution - they are likely to still be bearing most of the cost and doing all the work.