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Original poster

Donation for friends Christmas dinner…

236 replies

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

OP posts:
flyinghen · 07/12/2024 22:13

I think they are being fair in asking and the rest of you are being unfair in letting the responsibility to host fall to them every year. Why doesn't anyone else host?

Perhaps you could ask your whingey friend if they'd rather pay for a meal out as a group at a restaurant, or host themselves and see the costs mount up?

Therira · 07/12/2024 22:18

I think your friend is right to ask, and I can’t believe nobody has thought to chip in before being asked.

Our house is the best for hosting in our group too, however after 5 years of hosting for 15 people and some not bringing as much as a bottle of wine. I decided to stop it and we now meet at a local pub. Saves me a fortune (I was over £300 in food and drinks for everyone), time with cleaning house top to bottom, and prepping all the food then the mammoth clear up after.

It’s a lot. And while I enjoy hosting, I can’t afford that every year especially at this time of year. I wouldn’t have stopped if people had chipped in a bit or brought dessert etc!!

Nolegusta · 07/12/2024 22:18

CyanSnake · 06/12/2024 07:38

Received an invitation last night.

Theres a group of us 8 friends, plus partners, who meet up for Christmas dinner and drinks every year just before the big day.

Every year it is always the same friend who hosts, provides the food and cooks. We’re never asked to bring anything, although I usually take a few bottles of wine.

This year, the invite (which was sent digitally) had a note at the bottom saying they hate to ask but food and drink gets more expensive every year, so if we could donate anything toward the cost they’d be very grateful, but we’re of course welcome either way

I thought fair enough, everything is expensive now so Ive sent them through £40 with my rspv.

But I’ve been I’ve received a text this morning where another one of the group has posted saying it’s outrageous to even ask…

So what do we think?

It's not outrageous to ask, especially as they've been hosting regularly. As well as the cost of all the food there's the energy to cook it all too. I think the amount you sent will be well received, and your other friend perhaps need to consider sending a similar amount.

MillyVannily · 07/12/2024 22:21

It's not a donation when you are eating the food bought with the money. 😂😂😂 it's absolutely normal to either bring some food or leave them money. Noone is obliged to feed 16 people unless they are their very close family and even then depending on financial circumstances they may need some contribution.

Blogswife · 07/12/2024 22:23

I can’t believe that they had to ask .
Surely the group would offer to share the cost or contribute something towards the meal , especially if it’s become an annual event with the same couple hosting
£40 seems very fair . Your friend is a freeloading CF

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/12/2024 22:30

DH and I host far more than our friends. Partly because we like hosting and partly because we have young children so it easier to host than be a guest in someone else’s unbabyproofed home.

I would never ask for cash contributions. Dinner would be cancelled before that happened! Might ask those who offer to bring a dish but depends on if it is a casual dinner (ok) or formal, planned dinner like Christmas (please don’t).

Most of our friends offer to bring something. Some with more persistence than others.

We have an annual Christmas dinner for about 10. So smaller than your friendship group. OP. And nobody is a heavy drinker, those that do drink always bring at least one bottle.

In that group:
one couple will bring wine and flowers by default and will usually bring a very fancy shop bought dessert when we have smaller dinners (not at Christmas)
one couple will insist on bringing her signature dessert that doesn’t match the menu even when I have told them not to
one couple will ask repeatedly what to bring and will be most put out when I say nothing because I don’t want them to mess up my menu plan
one couple (non drinkers) usually bring their own soft drinks and occasionally ask
one couple will probably not ask and probably not bring anything (except presents for the children)

For those that do ask what they can bring, I have stolen an idea from a posh but control freak friend. I ask them to bring cheese. They stop pestering me and I don’t have to worry about a cheeseboard at the end of the meal.

renoleno · 07/12/2024 22:32

Asking for money is fine but you paid £40 and also bring wine?? A roast at Hawksmoor costs £28 so unless your friends are producing Michelin level cooking, why £40?

Tbh I think asking for a contribution without specifying an amount is awkward. Because how the hell is anyone supposed to know how much it's costing them - are they getting meat from Ginger Pig or Lidl? Are they going to end up in profit? If someone asked for £15 from everyone and wine, that would be reasonable.

I personally much prefer pubs being booked for large dinner events because i hate the sense of obligation and awkwardness when someone insists on hosting every year, and then complains about the cost. It's an uncomfortable dynamic for the simple reason no one needs them to do it - pubs and restaurants exist. The solution is to either host smaller groups that are affordable, or just stop hosting or give friends the choice between paying for a meal at your home or one at the pub. In our friends group - a couple who do all the hosting put this to everyone and pubs unanimously won. Took away all the awkwardness for people as there's a power dynamic in all hosted events where you're never truly equal. The hosting couple were pretty miffed as it turned out people just wanted to catch up fuss free, and their home cooking wasn't the draw they thought it was.

SmudgeButt · 07/12/2024 22:39

pay this year and suggest that next year someone else hosts or you do "pot luck" so the cost is spread across the participants.

lanthanum · 07/12/2024 22:42

It sounds like some of you see it as "the group get-together", but maybe the one complaining sees it as "Jill invites some friends for dinner". If you choose to invite people round, you would normally pay for all the food. If you offer to be the host when a group has agreed to get together, you might expect everyone to chip in. If it's been going on for years, perhaps everyone's memory of how it started is different.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/12/2024 22:43

I think it's rude to expect them to buy and cook for all those people every year. Christmas dinner can be expensive.

Should take it in turns. I bet those complaining will swiftly decide they no longer want to partake.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 07/12/2024 22:43

I don’t think it’s outrageous to ask. They sound like wonderful hosts and everyone should be contributing.

mcmooberry · 07/12/2024 22:52

I think they asked in a very reasonable way and not outrageous at all, more outrageous to not all be chipping in towards the food year after year. I would probably be happy paying £40 plus one bottle of booze.

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 07/12/2024 22:53

I too cannot understand why it's come to this - why have people not paid their way years ago...? And FWIW, £40 for two of you is nothing. £40 each would be cheap. A decent meal in a Harvester will set you back a good £25 each, and they've got the economies of scale. Your friends don't.

Samandytimlucypeterolivia · 07/12/2024 23:09

I’ll always be that person that offers something whether or not I’ve been asked. It’s just the way I was brought up. It’s defo not outrageous, if they host most of the time then I think whomever said it was outrageous is a CF. Everyone knows how much more stuff costs these days so it’s defo not unreasonable to ask for a voluntary contribution.
I had a party for dd and her year 6 friends, 15 girls I had at my house, we paid for everything, some parents asked if I needed anything, I told them no, it was fine. They still brought snacks, drinks etc, one friend even gave DD a voucher. It’s just common courtesy to offer .

TunipTheVegimal24 · 07/12/2024 23:18

Sounds like your hosting friend asked in a nice and unpresumptuous way, and food really has gone up a lot. As such, they were not unreasonable.

StandingSideBySide · 07/12/2024 23:18

I think it’s fine to help with the cost especially as the same friend does it every year.
Either that or maybe your friend who’s being a Scrooge hosts it themselves.
Hosting for 16 people must be hugely expensive.

Im surprised you don’t all take turns with hosting tbh.

Cacaococo · 07/12/2024 23:27

I think it’s pretty horrible of you all not to offer the host payment years ago. You have put her in a position of having to asking you because of your tightfistedness

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2024 23:28

BeMintBee · 06/12/2024 07:40

Hosting for 16 people of very expensive so I think it’s fair to ask. People who think it’s outrageous should perhaps host and then they might understand the costs!

This

ConsuelaHammock · 07/12/2024 23:32

I think the one complaining should offer to host every year from now on. Suggest it to them to see their reaction?

ConsuelaHammock · 07/12/2024 23:33

And it will not have been easy to do for contributions. I’d send more than £40 with a huge thanks for all the previous years they’ve hosted me

ConsuelaHammock · 07/12/2024 23:34

*to ask

Moveornot2 · 07/12/2024 23:45

You have never previously contributed or considered the cost and effort that they now have to ask ? Or returned the favour in any way ?? That’s awful
Do you offer to make or take dishes historically ?
ask your friend to host

Christwosheds · 07/12/2024 23:45

Of course they should ask. I think everyone should have chipped in well before now. I once spent a lovely Christmas Day with some friends of a friend who hosted the day, cooked, got all the drinks and food etc, and charged a set amount pp to cover the cost. The food was wonderful, ditto the drinks, it was a lot of fun, and it meant they could host a bigger gathering .

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/12/2024 23:46

If it's cost-prohibitive, the thing to do is to NOT host. Asking guests for a monetary contribution is crass, tacky and uncouth.

They can ORGANIZE a potluck if they feel moved to. Either mandatory monetary contributions or contributions of food and drink. But in that case they are not the hosts, they are the organizers of a cooperative event.

Better to serve tea, bread and butter than to dun guests for money. My toes curl with horror at the thought.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/12/2024 23:47

Christwosheds · 07/12/2024 23:45

Of course they should ask. I think everyone should have chipped in well before now. I once spent a lovely Christmas Day with some friends of a friend who hosted the day, cooked, got all the drinks and food etc, and charged a set amount pp to cover the cost. The food was wonderful, ditto the drinks, it was a lot of fun, and it meant they could host a bigger gathering .

That is in blood-curdlingly bad taste. Charging guests???