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Original poster

MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

161 replies

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 10:10

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 10:11

Surely her ds does her share of the pitching in then?

SnowOwlWise · 30/12/2022 10:11

What about your fil does he help out and chip in ?

OrigamiOwls · 30/12/2022 10:12

Everyone needs to pitch in - have you tried specifically giving her tasks to do?

NoCatsToday · 30/12/2022 10:22

Is your FIL equally as unhelpful? What about your DH?

FWIW I feel very uncomfortable helping in other peoples homes unless given specific tasks because inevitably you end up doing something wrong. Did you ask him or her for help?

Abigail69 · 30/12/2022 10:24

I'm confused. Is that MiL's place or your place?
I'm surprised others just jumped in not knowing what is going on

Newuser82 · 30/12/2022 10:42

Either way at Christmas I think people should help a little. We invited 6 people round for Christmas lunch, not one person lifted a finger. And when I asked one to serve up the dessert they shoved a spoon in my hand and said "you do it!" There won't be a repeat next year!

Greatly · 30/12/2022 10:48

My MIL did absolutely nothing on Xmas Day and that was fine by me, she's over 80 and recently widowed. Dh cooked lunch with prior prep done by me. There were 8 of us. Why on earth do you even need everyone to be rushing around madly??

JudgeJ · 30/12/2022 11:00

Abigail69 · 30/12/2022 10:24

I'm confused. Is that MiL's place or your place?
I'm surprised others just jumped in not knowing what is going on

Most of those who jumped in were singing from the 'lazy men' hymn sheet!

Maybe MIL is on MN and knows that her very breathing annoys her DIL so she keeps out of the way. When I am a guest in my daughter's home, and anyone else's, I will ask if I can do something but then keep out of the way. When we were doing the Christmas and/or Boxing Day meals the last thing I wanted was someone trying to involve themselves when I had it organised.

unclebuck · 30/12/2022 11:18

Is she a guest? Who is there and who is doing what?

fluffi · 30/12/2022 11:20

YABU. If you already have DH and children (so I'm assuming at least 2) helping out, how much more is there to do? Its nice for people to offer to help (although I politely tell them everything is under control) and its nice if people stack plates or take the odd plate back to the kitchen but I don't want anyone doing anymore than that when visiting over Christmas!

I want my MIL (and any visitors) to relax and chill, especially at Christmas, thats why they've been invited!

Maybe consider doing less when you visit MIL, does she give you specific things to do when you visit or do you offer to help or get involved without asking?

Remaker · 30/12/2022 11:30

How many people were you feeding? We had 13 and DH and I managed everything between us with just a bit of help with carving/serving from a sibling or teenage child. I don’t see the appeal of wanting everyone rushing around looking busy just to appease the host.

Anewhoo · 30/12/2022 11:38

My husband and I tend to do everything. It’s really not much bother, better than people putting things in the wrong place etc. when I go to parents they like to do everything for us too. I enjoy hosting and don’t find it stressful though.

Bananarama21 · 30/12/2022 11:42

Surely she's a guest,just because she's female doesn't mean she should be helping Where's your dh? My dh helped me on Christmas whilst we hosted his parents didn't think to ask them to help us.

Chooksnroses · 30/12/2022 11:43

How old is she?

MincepiesforRudolph · 30/12/2022 11:44

Whilst she has "done her time" i'd still expect her to ask if there's a specific task you'd like her to do. AND FIL should ask if he comes too!
Maybe she can see you were superstressed and they wanted to keep out of your way?

SheWoreYellow · 30/12/2022 11:44

Out parents are like this. We invite them knowing the deal and make the stay shorter.

cosmiccosmos · 30/12/2022 11:52

So many posts slagging off MILs and SILs or women because they don't step up and help. What about the MEN - DHs/DPs and FILs or are they all exempt from doing 'women's' work?

Women need to change their attitudes, I hope none of you have boys and are raising them to think women are just there to serve them.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2022 11:54

Depends what the all round deal is. When I go to my sisters, I completely relax and she hosts; and then we reverse it when she comes to mine.it's nice to be hosted sometimes.
I think I would quite like to be hosted completely by my dc when I'm older, I will thoroughly deserve it by then!

Original poster
Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2022 11:58

I think if everyone else is contributing, there can't be that much left to do, and I would love to treat my mum to some time off personally when she gets older, she totally deserves it.

ValancyRedfern · 30/12/2022 11:58

I wouldn't expect an 80 year old to help out. FiL aged 59 does nothing but sit on his arse all Christmas and that winds me up, but an 80 year old? I think she's done her time.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 11:58

How often did she host Christmas? If she is 80 then yes she probably has done her fair share over the years

angstridden2 · 30/12/2022 11:59

Some MILs can’t win can they....,

KangarooKenny · 30/12/2022 12:00

I wouldn’t ‘expect’ a guest to help out, especially not an 80 year old one.

YorkieTheRabbit · 30/12/2022 12:01

To be honest, if I invite people, I don’t expect them to be doing stuff.
If your mil is staying for a few days, her offering to make a drink etc is normal but I wouldn’t expect her to be washing up, cooking or cleaning. She surely can’t be making that much extra work.