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Original poster

MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

161 replies

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 10:10

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 30/12/2022 12:01

I don't expect help at Christmas from 80 year olds, no. Leave her be and look after her.

Shahira78 · 30/12/2022 12:02

If she was 60-70, fair enough, but 80? Surely she can put her feet up over Christmas. I know I would want to!

remembertogetmilk · 30/12/2022 12:02

She is 80? Are you being serious? I would be going out of my way to make sure she had a pleasant relaxing day, not getting irritated by her lack of involvement in the preparation....

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 12:02

How many other 80yos were rushing about helping? Also what are you doing that means you need 80yos to help, when there must be younger members of the family who can help?

SnarkyBag · 30/12/2022 12:03

Interesting I think you would feel differently is this was your DH 80year old granny. My grandmother is 80 no way I’d want her to do anything other than sit back and enjoy being hosted. She worked well into her 70’s so it’s not a fit an able thing either.

trampoline123 · 30/12/2022 12:03

Are you serious? Get over it! She's 80 and yeah, probably spent many Christmas's doing everything with NO help. Luckily there are others helping you out.

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/12/2022 12:03

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

So the problem is less that there's something useful she could be doing and more that you're frustrated by people sitting around when you're busy?

YorkieTheRabbit · 30/12/2022 12:04

80 🤦‍♀️

RewildingAmbridge · 30/12/2022 12:04

My gran is this age, I say no to help even if she offers, she's a guest, and certainly when we were young she was always busy dashing around at Christmas and wherever people visited. She deserves to put her feet up now. She's my only living grandparent so it's not a gender bias.

DarkKarmaIlama · 30/12/2022 12:04

Goodness she’s 80 and you can’t just plate her a dinner up. You know you don’t have to cook people a dinner right?

I am with your MIL, she’s done her time. Just get on with it and stop complaining or just don’t do it, simple.

Lostinasupermarket · 30/12/2022 12:05

You’re being completely unreasonable. She’s 80. She’s done it on many occasions and now she’s earnt a rest and allowed to stay sitting.

God I can’t think of anything more depressing than people expecting me to still be running around after others at the age of 80 and while in someone else’s home.

3peassuit · 30/12/2022 12:05

She’s 80. She’s had years of running around after everyone at Christmas. She deserves a free pass.

Quitelikeit · 30/12/2022 12:06

Gosh 80 years and you want to job her off!

yabu

HoldingTheDoor · 30/12/2022 12:06

I'd expect an 80 year old to sit around. I'd be embarrassed to have them doing anything else. You're being ridiculous.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/12/2022 12:07

Oh dear OP. You are unbelievable

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 12:08

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

If every single adult in your house is pulling their weight, why wouldn't you be happy for an 80 year old to take it easy?

DarkKarmaIlama · 30/12/2022 12:09

OP is an absolute martyr. Feeling wound up because her 80 year old MIL does too much sitting whilst she’s busy.

Shocking!!…..

GlitchStitch · 30/12/2022 12:11

Fucking hell, imagine being wound up by an 80 year old sitting around. I'd be embarrassed to even post this.

Awrite · 30/12/2022 12:17

My Dad's job at Christmas (and any family gathering) is to keep mil out of the kitchen.

I get flustered with people other than my DH trying to help out.

Kids set the table and do drinks.

I would hate the thought of an 80 year old feeling like they have to pitch in.

Greatly · 30/12/2022 12:17

GlitchStitch · 30/12/2022 12:11

Fucking hell, imagine being wound up by an 80 year old sitting around. I'd be embarrassed to even post this.

Sorry OP, but I agree.

Ivyonafence · 30/12/2022 12:18

She's 80. My goodness OP.

Maybe scale back your plans if it's too much, but you can't honestly expect an 80 year old to be rushing around.

CovertImage · 30/12/2022 12:20

I can;t believe that you're so desperate for attention that you'd post compaining about an 80-year old ("MIL", of course) not helping out at christmas when you don't need her help anyway and you admit that she'd be doing her share if she was hosting at her place so presumably isn't naturally lazy

Greatly · 30/12/2022 12:21

If all the guests in your house are rushing about madly and you are resentful of your 80 year old MIL taking it easy, you are doing Christmas wrong.

SongforWhoever · 30/12/2022 12:22

Why shouldn't your MIL have a rest at the age of 80 having "done her time". I've
done Christmas every year for 43 years and think I've "done my time" but no signs yet of anyone else taking over.

Pr1mr0se · 30/12/2022 12:23

My MIL is just like this in my house so I have stopped helping in hers. As a guest I wouldn't really expect her to do anything other than enjoy the hospitality anyway.