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Original poster

MIL doesn’t chip in/help out

161 replies

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 10:10

AIBU to expect my MIL to help out over Xmas. She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet. It’s also contributed to by her feeling she is a guest (and to be fair she wd do more if we were on her turf)… I end up feeling angry, as if I am a bit of a servant but am also aware she is elderly (though very fit/capable), that I have children that can (and do) help and that maybe I am being unfair… I do find it falling though to see her floating around when everyone else is hands on deck…

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 13:18

What do you want her to do?

TheKitchenWitch · 30/12/2022 13:19

What exactly do you want your 80yo guest to be doing?
FFS yes she definitely deserves to put her feet up. Can't really believe you're getting annoyed about this tbh.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 30/12/2022 13:19

remembertogetmilk · 30/12/2022 12:02

She is 80? Are you being serious? I would be going out of my way to make sure she had a pleasant relaxing day, not getting irritated by her lack of involvement in the preparation....

Exactly, 80 years old and the OP is moaning

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2022 13:20

What isn't she doing that you think she should be?

7eleven · 30/12/2022 13:23

Don’t be so mean, OP. 80! She’s earnt the right to sit on her bum all day.

WillowintheUK · 30/12/2022 13:25

This is a pretty mean spirited post. Imagine needing the help of an 80 year old woman in all this mad rushing around that’s getting done. How many people were doing the rushing madly about anyway? Were you particularly disorganised?

ApolloandDaphne · 30/12/2022 13:36

My DM is 82 and we didn't expect her to lift a finger over Christmas. She has put in many years of hosting Christmas and now it's her time to sit back, relax and enjoy just being with her family.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 13:42

Why is everyone constantly busy doing chores over Christmas? Sounds very dull.
Of course she doesn't need to do chores. Let her chill, she's earned it.

Madamecastafiore · 30/12/2022 13:43

Jesus she's 80 give her a fucking break!

Greatly · 30/12/2022 13:47

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 12:28

Why? Confused

Show quote history

Because I'll never have a moaning DIL!

Fairyliz · 30/12/2022 13:55

Not enough information are we talking Christmas Day or the whole week?
How many are you cooking for 6 or 30?
How old are your children, if Mil is 80 I assume children aren’t toddlers who need constant watching.
I cooked Christmas Dinner for 6 from scratch on the day and it was easy; it’s only a roast dinner with a few extra bits after all.
Tbh I wouldn’t have wanted an 80 year old woman under my feet in the kitchen.

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 14:01

Greatly · 30/12/2022 13:47

Because I'll never have a moaning DIL!

Show quote history

Thankfully women like the OP are fairly few and far between, well in my circle they are.

cosmiccosmos · 30/12/2022 14:02

Mmmm not convinced personally and think OP is getting a hard time. Of course no-one expects an 80 year old to be slogging it out in the kitchen however we may be talking not even getting up to make a cup of tea, expecting her lunch to be served to her etc. I've seen this and frankly it's infuriating (if person is fit and well obvs) sometimes older people seem to play on the 'I've done my time' as if we should all be ever grateful.

America12 · 30/12/2022 14:04

GlitchStitch · 30/12/2022 12:11

Fucking hell, imagine being wound up by an 80 year old sitting around. I'd be embarrassed to even post this.

Absolutely

InsomniacVampire · 30/12/2022 14:05

cosmiccosmos · 30/12/2022 11:52

So many posts slagging off MILs and SILs or women because they don't step up and help. What about the MEN - DHs/DPs and FILs or are they all exempt from doing 'women's' work?

Women need to change their attitudes, I hope none of you have boys and are raising them to think women are just there to serve them.

OP said 'we are doing' stuff, which means her and husband presumably?

Menomenon · 30/12/2022 14:06

Come on, OP. You do not have everyone pulling their weight. Where is your DH in all of this.

DuplicateUserName · 30/12/2022 14:08

If her husband and kids were pulling their weight, the OP wouldn't be giving this 80 year old woman a second thought.

HoldingTheDoor · 30/12/2022 14:08

Of course no-one expects an 80 year old to be slogging it out in the kitchen however we may be talking not even getting up to make a cup of tea, expecting her lunch to be served to her etc.

I'd automatically do that for an elderly guest. It's basic courtesy and hardly strenuous.

cosmiccosmos · 30/12/2022 14:09

Yea I saw that after my post. More info def needed, although looks like OP has left. I would bet money that there is more to this from the MIL - eg one of these that just expects other women to do it all ir who comments immediately when something isn't to their standard eg plates not warm enough. Anyway each family works differently and there is normally much more at play than getting annoyed MIL is sitting down all day.

jannier · 30/12/2022 14:13

Koalapb · 30/12/2022 11:55

Thank you so much for your replies/thoughts
She is 80 so elderly but very fit and able
It isn’t a gender thing, everyone else is helping out (male and female) except her… If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy… It just winds me up… I think I maybe need to accept that’s how it is and maybe, as someone suggested, keep stays short…

I'd be happy if I had an 80 year old still alive for them to sit around and be waited on. Their lives at work ....and for women of that generation have been much harder physically so I'd be sit and talk to us mum/mil

AcrossthePond55 · 30/12/2022 14:20

She has decided that she has “done her time” and now it’s over to us so does nothing while we are run off our feet

Well, if she's anything like my wonderful mum and my darling MiL (both deceased) then I'd agree with her!!!

Both our mums (DH's and mine) spent DECADES making the best Xmases for all their children and as well as for other family members. Yes, we 'pitched in' but by and large it was 'all them', and they considered it a labour of love.

I considered it a privilege when I was able to say 'No Mum/MiL, you relax. We've got this'. Of course they still did little bits and bobs, but by and large they were able to sit back and enjoy the day and their grandchildren.

I get that it might be harder to see a MiL do this, simply because you don't have a whole lifelong of memories of her making Xmas for you. But your DH does and HE should be happily picking up her 'slack'.

Crazycrazylady · 30/12/2022 14:24

Ah seriously .. run of yere feet.
It's one meal and it everyone else is already pitching in surely you don't need a 80 year woman's help as well..
If I make it to 80, I'd hope my family will cut me some slack

ThePear · 30/12/2022 14:32

‘If I’m honest it isn’t so much that I need her help but more the fact that she sits around when everyone else busy’

Are you not absolutely ashamed of yourself, posting this shite about an eighty year old?

hiredandsqueak · 30/12/2022 14:32

How much running about is everybody doing? Christmas dinner is a glorified roast so hardly an arduous task that takes multiple people's input. She's 80 years old and a guest she has earned the right to sit and enjoy being hosted IMO

dottiedodah · 30/12/2022 14:33

I think at 80 shes done her time really. She may well be fit and able ,but older people often get very tired and have aches and pains .Unless you are doing it all single handed ,then I feel YABU here TBH.Let her rest and relax!